PTAs: I don't want to donate money to facilitate adults socializing with their friends

[Anonymous]

I'm very invested in the PTA as a way to support the school, the students, and the teachers. Money that goes to classrooms or enrichment events for students (and, if appropriate, their families) is great and I'm happy to donate to that. Community events that are linked to academics or social-emotional learning at the school, and focused on the kids, are great --we will participate and donate time and money for those.

PTA events that are primarily about adults socializing with one another away from the school should not be PTA events unless they are fundRAISING events. PTA money should not be spent on those activities.

If you want to socialize with other parents at the school, that's great, do so. But it shouldn't be PTA sponsored. No one should be donating money to a PTA to facilitate adults social events. Especially when these events have little to do with building community, and more to do with ensuring people who are already friends can get free food or entertainment, paid for by the PTA, while they hang out.

[Anonymous]

Do you think you're paying for a PTA happy hour? What type of event do you think you're supporting? How do yo know it's not self funded?

[Anonymous]

Donate for what you want and let others decide how they want to spend their money and energies. Who’s holding a gun to your head?

[Anonymous]

What are you talking about? We raise about $30k a year and it all goes to classroom needs, kid focused weekend events, like $500 a year goes to pizza for pta meetings (open to all of the PTA members and kids), activity busses etc.

[Anonymous]

You sure they are just “hanging out” and it’s not for the purpose of facilitating future parent participation/volunteers or events? Because I often coordinate and solicit volunteers — it’s a lot of work. I haven’t used pta funds for that but wouldn’t be opposed to it.

What I always see in every one of my kids’ schools are the parents who NEVER volunteer and justify it by denigrating the parents who DO volunteer, saying things like how we are just in it for our social lives and to get attention. It’s trite and old and often sexist. Don’t volunteer if you don’t want to but back off of the people who do.

[Anonymous]

Did you communicate that to your PTA, instead of whining on here? I've been on 6 PTAs and none ever used PTA funds to have social events except a couple of rich PTAs who held celebratory events at the end of the year - and they had more money than they knew what to do with (after year-round pantry and clothes donations to the few kids in need of them, free tutoring at school, fun fairs and performances for the children, cultural residencies in school, etc).

Criticism is poorly received if you do not attend meetings and speak up. If you want to become part of the executive board, you will have a voice in how funds are raised, managed and distributed, and THEN you'll REALLY understand what your PTA does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm very invested in the PTA as a way to support the school, the students, and the teachers. Money that goes to classrooms or enrichment events for students (and, if appropriate, their families) is great and I'm happy to donate to that. Community events that are linked to academics or social-emotional learning at the school, and focused on the kids, are great --we will participate and donate time and money for those.

PTA events that are primarily about adults socializing with one another away from the school should not be PTA events unless they are fundRAISING events. PTA money should not be spent on those activities.

If you want to socialize with other parents at the school, that's great, do so. But it shouldn't be PTA sponsored. No one should be donating money to a PTA to facilitate adults social events. Especially when these events have little to do with building community, and more to do with ensuring people who are already friends can get free food or entertainment, paid for by the PTA, while they hang out.

You sound jealous OP. They are already friends because they are working hard together volunteering for their kids’ school. Not because they are a clique and you weren’t invited. Give it a try and you might make some friends too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very invested in the PTA as a way to support the school, the students, and the teachers. Money that goes to classrooms or enrichment events for students (and, if appropriate, their families) is great and I'm happy to donate to that. Community events that are linked to academics or social-emotional learning at the school, and focused on the kids, are great --we will participate and donate time and money for those.

PTA events that are primarily about adults socializing with one another away from the school should not be PTA events unless they are fundRAISING events. PTA money should not be spent on those activities.

If you want to socialize with other parents at the school, that's great, do so. But it shouldn't be PTA sponsored. No one should be donating money to a PTA to facilitate adults social events. Especially when these events have little to do with building community, and more to do with ensuring people who are already friends can get free food or entertainment, paid for by the PTA, while they hang out.

You sound jealous OP. They are already friends because they are working hard together volunteering for their kids’ school. Not because they are a clique and you weren’t invited. Give it a try and you might make some friends too.

At the first elementary school PTA I volunteered for, I had the distinct impression there was a clique of old friends who were set in their ways and not incredibly welcoming of new faces. Then their kids graduated, the atmosphere changed, a bunch of new people came in who didn't know each other, and it became a warm and friendly place! I never attended the end of year happy hour, which is perhaps what OP is talking about, but I can tell you we worked hard for that school, and became friendly from working together, as PP explained. Most people in all the PTAs I've volunteered for are full-time working parents and don't have time to socialize or chit-chat too long. I have often been the only stay-at-home parent on the board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very invested in the PTA as a way to support the school, the students, and the teachers. Money that goes to classrooms or enrichment events for students (and, if appropriate, their families) is great and I'm happy to donate to that. Community events that are linked to academics or social-emotional learning at the school, and focused on the kids, are great --we will participate and donate time and money for those.

PTA events that are primarily about adults socializing with one another away from the school should not be PTA events unless they are fundRAISING events. PTA money should not be spent on those activities.

If you want to socialize with other parents at the school, that's great, do so. But it shouldn't be PTA sponsored. No one should be donating money to a PTA to facilitate adults social events. Especially when these events have little to do with building community, and more to do with ensuring people who are already friends can get free food or entertainment, paid for by the PTA, while they hang out.

You sound jealous OP. They are already friends because they are working hard together volunteering for their kids’ school. Not because they are a clique and you weren’t invited. Give it a try and you might make some friends too.

At the first elementary school PTA I volunteered for, I had the distinct impression there was a clique of old friends who were set in their ways and not incredibly welcoming of new faces. Then their kids graduated, the atmosphere changed, a bunch of new people came in who didn't know each other, and it became a warm and friendly place! I never attended the end of year happy hour, which is perhaps what OP is talking about, but I can tell you we worked hard for that school, and became friendly from working together, as PP explained. Most people in all the PTAs I've volunteered for are full-time working parents and don't have time to socialize or chit-chat too long. I have often been the only stay-at-home parent on the board.

Honestly it sounds like you were friends with the new crew and not the old crew, since you were part of it. And I can guarantee you outsiders to your clique felt the same way you once did. They aren't stupid and can see that the group is "friendly" and they just naturally talk to each other not the new faces as much.

[Anonymous]

Donate your time and money directly to classrooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very invested in the PTA as a way to support the school, the students, and the teachers. Money that goes to classrooms or enrichment events for students (and, if appropriate, their families) is great and I'm happy to donate to that. Community events that are linked to academics or social-emotional learning at the school, and focused on the kids, are great --we will participate and donate time and money for those.

PTA events that are primarily about adults socializing with one another away from the school should not be PTA events unless they are fundRAISING events. PTA money should not be spent on those activities.

If you want to socialize with other parents at the school, that's great, do so. But it shouldn't be PTA sponsored. No one should be donating money to a PTA to facilitate adults social events. Especially when these events have little to do with building community, and more to do with ensuring people who are already friends can get free food or entertainment, paid for by the PTA, while they hang out.

You sound jealous OP. They are already friends because they are working hard together volunteering for their kids’ school. Not because they are a clique and you weren’t invited. Give it a try and you might make some friends too.

Sometimes PTAs are a clique of existing friends with same-age kids, and no amount of volunteering will enable you to become friends with them (you might make friends with others as you bond over being excluded by the PTA board who just want to hang out with each other).

I've been on two PTAs like this. It happens when there are a group of parents who live close and get to know each other when their kids are in daycare or preschool, and then transition that friendship to the local elementary. I have tired to gently explain to people why it's important to be open and welcoming to others on the PTA, and to ensure other parents feel like they can participate regardless of whether they are friends with the clique. These suggestions have been rebuffed in both cases, and then there is a lot of complaining about how no one ever wants to volunteer and they have to do everything. It's fake martyrdom -- they are exclusive and unwelcoming, so new parents who join the PTA get frustrated and stop volunteering, and then the clique has to do everything and gets resentful.

I doubt all PTAs are like this but some definitely are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very invested in the PTA as a way to support the school, the students, and the teachers. Money that goes to classrooms or enrichment events for students (and, if appropriate, their families) is great and I'm happy to donate to that. Community events that are linked to academics or social-emotional learning at the school, and focused on the kids, are great --we will participate and donate time and money for those.

PTA events that are primarily about adults socializing with one another away from the school should not be PTA events unless they are fundRAISING events. PTA money should not be spent on those activities.

If you want to socialize with other parents at the school, that's great, do so. But it shouldn't be PTA sponsored. No one should be donating money to a PTA to facilitate adults social events. Especially when these events have little to do with building community, and more to do with ensuring people who are already friends can get free food or entertainment, paid for by the PTA, while they hang out.

You sound jealous OP. They are already friends because they are working hard together volunteering for their kids’ school. Not because they are a clique and you weren’t invited. Give it a try and you might make some friends too.

At the first elementary school PTA I volunteered for, I had the distinct impression there was a clique of old friends who were set in their ways and not incredibly welcoming of new faces. Then their kids graduated, the atmosphere changed, a bunch of new people came in who didn't know each other, and it became a warm and friendly place! I never attended the end of year happy hour, which is perhaps what OP is talking about, but I can tell you we worked hard for that school, and became friendly from working together, as PP explained. Most people in all the PTAs I've volunteered for are full-time working parents and don't have time to socialize or chit-chat too long. I have often been the only stay-at-home parent on the board.

Honestly it sounds like you were friends with the new crew and not the old crew, since you were part of it. And I can guarantee you outsiders to your clique felt the same way you once did. They aren't stupid and can see that the group is "friendly" and they just naturally talk to each other not the new faces as much.

This dynamic will always exist. Parents of the older kids who have been volunteering longer are all friends because of the time they have spent together. To newer parents, this could seem cliquey, especially if you are insecure and think that way. But they won’t bite and I have gotten close with folks like that many times. And then the parents moving up and volunteering over the years become closer, and this just keeps repeating itself. Just volunteer and be open to making friends. It’s not about you and they aren’t excluding you unless you’re being a jerk. I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very invested in the PTA as a way to support the school, the students, and the teachers. Money that goes to classrooms or enrichment events for students (and, if appropriate, their families) is great and I'm happy to donate to that. Community events that are linked to academics or social-emotional learning at the school, and focused on the kids, are great --we will participate and donate time and money for those.

PTA events that are primarily about adults socializing with one another away from the school should not be PTA events unless they are fundRAISING events. PTA money should not be spent on those activities.

If you want to socialize with other parents at the school, that's great, do so. But it shouldn't be PTA sponsored. No one should be donating money to a PTA to facilitate adults social events. Especially when these events have little to do with building community, and more to do with ensuring people who are already friends can get free food or entertainment, paid for by the PTA, while they hang out.

You sound jealous OP. They are already friends because they are working hard together volunteering for their kids’ school. Not because they are a clique and you weren’t invited. Give it a try and you might make some friends too.

At the first elementary school PTA I volunteered for, I had the distinct impression there was a clique of old friends who were set in their ways and not incredibly welcoming of new faces. Then their kids graduated, the atmosphere changed, a bunch of new people came in who didn't know each other, and it became a warm and friendly place! I never attended the end of year happy hour, which is perhaps what OP is talking about, but I can tell you we worked hard for that school, and became friendly from working together, as PP explained. Most people in all the PTAs I've volunteered for are full-time working parents and don't have time to socialize or chit-chat too long. I have often been the only stay-at-home parent on the board.

Honestly it sounds like you were friends with the new crew and not the old crew, since you were part of it. And I can guarantee you outsiders to your clique felt the same way you once did. They aren't stupid and can see that the group is "friendly" and they just naturally talk to each other not the new faces as much.

PP you replied to. No. I thought long and hard about why I had not felt welcomed by the old guard and what I could do to make it nicer for new people. We instituted a lot of changes and no one ever complained that our PTA was cliquey (which they had done before). I spent many years on that PTA and some of the people I remain in touch with are actually ones I brought on during my last year. Indeed, a lot of our work was communication to get new parents on board. Maybe exactly the sort of stuff that OP thinks we shouldn't have done! But it's necessary, otherwise we get people like you who think the PTA is a clique.

Two lessons from this story:
1. Don't assume the worst all the time.
2. PTAs know they can't please all of the parents, teachers and students all the time. Someone is bound to misinterpret their actions, see 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very invested in the PTA as a way to support the school, the students, and the teachers. Money that goes to classrooms or enrichment events for students (and, if appropriate, their families) is great and I'm happy to donate to that. Community events that are linked to academics or social-emotional learning at the school, and focused on the kids, are great --we will participate and donate time and money for those.

PTA events that are primarily about adults socializing with one another away from the school should not be PTA events unless they are fundRAISING events. PTA money should not be spent on those activities.

If you want to socialize with other parents at the school, that's great, do so. But it shouldn't be PTA sponsored. No one should be donating money to a PTA to facilitate adults social events. Especially when these events have little to do with building community, and more to do with ensuring people who are already friends can get free food or entertainment, paid for by the PTA, while they hang out.

You sound jealous OP. They are already friends because they are working hard together volunteering for their kids’ school. Not because they are a clique and you weren’t invited. Give it a try and you might make some friends too.

At the first elementary school PTA I volunteered for, I had the distinct impression there was a clique of old friends who were set in their ways and not incredibly welcoming of new faces. Then their kids graduated, the atmosphere changed, a bunch of new people came in who didn't know each other, and it became a warm and friendly place! I never attended the end of year happy hour, which is perhaps what OP is talking about, but I can tell you we worked hard for that school, and became friendly from working together, as PP explained. Most people in all the PTAs I've volunteered for are full-time working parents and don't have time to socialize or chit-chat too long. I have often been the only stay-at-home parent on the board.

Honestly it sounds like you were friends with the new crew and not the old crew, since you were part of it. And I can guarantee you outsiders to your clique felt the same way you once did. They aren't stupid and can see that the group is "friendly" and they just naturally talk to each other not the new faces as much.

DP but I disagree. At our old school, there was a huge shift in the tone of the PTA when a new president came in who wasn't part of the existing PTA clique. The old clique was still there and some still served on the board, but the new president was an outsider to their clique and didn't have an existing group of parent friends at the school. She was someone who was well known to people because she volunteered a lot but she didn't socialize with other parents.

It was amazing what a difference it made. The old PTA always seemed to expect people to just know when volunteers or other help were needed for things, and volunteer requests were always sent very late (like the night before an event) and in a tone of annoyance. They thought because they all knew what needed to happen, that everyone else did too, but it didn't occur to them that most people are not privy to conversations at the board-only meetings and also that parents of younger kids often have no idea what is needed because this is their oldest kid and they are just learning how schools work.

The new PTA president understood this implicitly. She always announced volunteer opportunities well in advance, at the main body PTA meetings and in the newsletter, and she encouraged non-board members to join committees for events and get involved early on. The difference was night and day, and it had nothing to do with the new prez being friends with other people. It had to to with her understanding that one of the main jobs of the PTA and PTA president is communication, and that the communication can't happen via casual conversations with your buddies on the board but via formal comms to the entire PTA community at meetings and via email blasts. It's crazy the old PTA presidents didn't get this because it's obvious, but they were more focused on hanging with their friends and complaining than on actually organizing parent support for the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very invested in the PTA as a way to support the school, the students, and the teachers. Money that goes to classrooms or enrichment events for students (and, if appropriate, their families) is great and I'm happy to donate to that. Community events that are linked to academics or social-emotional learning at the school, and focused on the kids, are great --we will participate and donate time and money for those.

PTA events that are primarily about adults socializing with one another away from the school should not be PTA events unless they are fundRAISING events. PTA money should not be spent on those activities.

If you want to socialize with other parents at the school, that's great, do so. But it shouldn't be PTA sponsored. No one should be donating money to a PTA to facilitate adults social events. Especially when these events have little to do with building community, and more to do with ensuring people who are already friends can get free food or entertainment, paid for by the PTA, while they hang out.

You sound jealous OP. They are already friends because they are working hard together volunteering for their kids’ school. Not because they are a clique and you weren’t invited. Give it a try and you might make some friends too.

At the first elementary school PTA I volunteered for, I had the distinct impression there was a clique of old friends who were set in their ways and not incredibly welcoming of new faces. Then their kids graduated, the atmosphere changed, a bunch of new people came in who didn't know each other, and it became a warm and friendly place! I never attended the end of year happy hour, which is perhaps what OP is talking about, but I can tell you we worked hard for that school, and became friendly from working together, as PP explained. Most people in all the PTAs I've volunteered for are full-time working parents and don't have time to socialize or chit-chat too long. I have often been the only stay-at-home parent on the board.

Honestly it sounds like you were friends with the new crew and not the old crew, since you were part of it. And I can guarantee you outsiders to your clique felt the same way you once did. They aren't stupid and can see that the group is "friendly" and they just naturally talk to each other not the new faces as much.

This dynamic will always exist. Parents of the older kids who have been volunteering longer are all friends because of the time they have spent together. To newer parents, this could seem cliquey, especially if you are insecure and think that way. But they won’t bite and I have gotten close with folks like that many times. And then the parents moving up and volunteering over the years become closer, and this just keeps repeating itself. Just volunteer and be open to making friends. It’s not about you and they aren’t excluding you unless you’re being a jerk. I promise.

Sometimes people are cliquey. I am a parent of an older child and have been volunteering consistently for five years. Most of the PTA clique people still don't know my name. Some of them have children in class with my eldest and they also don't seem to know this, which is wild to me.

Sometimes people suck.