Leaving a narcissist
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Did anyone leave a narcissist/BPD/ someone with anger issues and even though it was hard and you loved them and had kids with them, you are better off now?
My marriage just isn’t getting any better and my DH isn’t willing to do any work on himself or us to help it. I feel like I deserve better. He is a man with a lot of past trauma and while I feel for that; I can’t be his punching bag anymore. |
Anonymous
| My sister did. No kids though. Much, much happier. Her ex is still miserable. It’s like she was set free. |
Anonymous
|
I have read several studies on NPD. Takeaway: It cannot be cured even if the person with the NPD wants to change.
OP, you just need to get out for your own psychological & physical welfare. Research the different types of narcissism as malignant narcissism is a serious personality disorder which cannot be moderated/cured and it is dangerous to be around an individual with this type of NPD. Run ! |
Anonymous
|
My friend left a spouse diagnosed with BPD. It is better but you have to reset your expectations of what it can be because this is still a parent to your children.
My friend has chosen to date but not introduce partners to the kids because that would trigger the abandonment issues inherent in the BPD disorder and my friend doesn’t want the kids to suffer the consequences. But new romantic relationships for my friend still trigger a new round of custody challenges (either legal or bad behavior about sharing, etc). The last partner ultimately left my friend because of not understanding the NPD dynamic between my friend and the ex. It’s so much better for my friend but I’m not going to lie, it’s super hard and sad and it seems that you never get to leave the dynamic entirely. |
Anonymous
|
Staying was hard.The minute I separated, I could breathe. I have no idea why people like my ex even get into relationships. They behave for awhile and then completely fall apart.
Mine must have bed-sores by now from laying around. We are taught to appreciated the differences, and I can take a lot of crap and dysfunction. It just got worse, but I also built up tolerance for his behavior. Don't even know where the line was at the end. The line may have been when he cheated on me, but took my phone and smashed it as if I had done it. I was about to leave him. Sounds like a line to me now. I have no problem telling him now that he sucks and should stay away from all people including 'friends' he mistreats. What a lunatic. While he is allowed to live I guess, why not far away from everyone he mistreats. Op, the sooner you leave, the sooner you can starts your own life. You cannot fix broken. They will break you. |
Anonymous
|
I ended my marriage. It got pretty bad at the end. He did some pretty awful things to the kids when they were alone in his care post separation, such that the police became involved.
That and a long history and him not even being able to act decent at supervised visits led to the kids not wanting to see him. He remarried quickly. Due to extreme abuse courts ordered no contact unless ex does xyz (some of the list included alcohol addiction program, anger management, parenting classes, therapy on seeing women as people) and we just never heard from him again. Kids and I have trauma and I can't afford a lot of therapy. Things are mostly good. Our home is peaceful, calm and predictable which is very valuable, more than happiness. Kids are fairly well overall. Ex and i had separated earlier then reunited and I wished I had divorced then. Its been a lot of learning to not be self-sacrificing or guilty and focused on his needs (abuse) over my own. And guilt at the things my kids remember him doing to them. We are mostly happy, but the trauma of the relationship & the divorce and having to talk about everything he did before, during and after the marriage has been a lot to recover from. |
Anonymous
| OP here - can anyone talk about what is abuse to kids? Is just anger and yelling abuse or is that normal for a DH/dad? I feel like I have normalized things over the past many many years so I am unsure if I’m being dramatic or if it’s abuse. |
Anonymous
Op, I’m in the process of it. I’ve asked myself that so many times. I would say that some of the specific incidents that occurred in our family were way outside the bounds of a dad losing his temper, and what distinguished them from normal was the lack of responsibility or apology afterwards and even DH blaming the children for DH’s behavior. Let me warn you that the legal process is perfectly constructed to give people with NPD the kind of feedback they crave. My still-DH is really enjoying it and has made this a high conflict divorce. We are not in a state that mandates separation and I think that would have quieted some of his behavior. He found an attorney that he has charmed and has thrown the works at me- temporary orders of all kinds, hearings, parenting evaluations, etc. It’s really scary but if you are like me, you reached a point where the unknown of this changed and whatever consequences might come are better than what’s happening by staying. |
Anonymous
I posted at 8:57. My therapist was very helpful about this. Anger and yelling yes, but more than that. Shaming and unnatural consequences. Unpredictability - she said that everyone gets mad at their kids, but what i am mad about it predictable. When they do x, my kids know that will make me mad, and when I get mad, my kids know what will happen. With their dad, there was no predictably. The reactions were mood and need to abuse based and could be nothing or severe and terrifying anger. He would look at them in ways designed to intimidate them. Other things he did common to npd abusers: - interfered with my relationship with the kids by trying to destroy the bond we had, if I was with them coming into the room arms glaring, constant criticism of my mothering - threatened kids with instability (he'll quit his job if they don't do x) - severe punishment - ridiculing them and laughing at them for things like misusing a word - interference with the development of their own unique value system - age inappropriate disclosure - neglect of parenting responsibility (would take them to the park but not feed them regular meals, only feeding foods that made it really hard for them to regulate their emotions) - destroying the sibling relationship (he always had to be in the center, they couldn't choose to play just with each other), pitting them against each other - denying that the kids needed supports (son needed ed psych and ex refused) - was happy and gleeful about unusual things like kids "learning their lesson" losing a valuable item - unusual religious practices - dangerous driving with them in the vehicle "because he's mad and blowing off steam" - more but thats what comes to mind right now Understand that abusers adjust what they do to abuse on a person by person basis. |
Anonymous
| ^ also not ever taking any responsibility. It was always always always somebody else fault or supposedly in someone elses control. One of the psychologists who assessed him said she had never met anyone so unwilling to take amy responsibility for anything that happened during the family years/marriage or after. |
Anonymous
90% of time neglect and ignore kids, then explode Push and pull dynamic with them. Kids are starved for attention so then become pawns. He’d buy them whatever they wanted, dole out screens, candy, cake if he was “with it.” Never parenting, no discipline Parentified the children - they’d have to clean up after him. He’d have them make all parenting decisions. Decide what to do. |
Anonymous
|
Dangerous driver
Age inappropriate activities, scary movies. Terrible judgment and lack of judgement. Gave them money to get lost. Really just ignored them most of the weekends or days. Hide on couch or home office “working.” |
Anonymous
It is hard, but the road ends in a peace and quiet you can't really imagine. |
Anonymous
|
To add some -
- wanted to be with the kids alone without me in the room bc he is intimidated by my bond with the kids - abused alcohol around them - dangerous driver esp when mad - bosses them around (go get me this, clean up my mess) - fun dad at times. Buying them stuff and giving them whatever they want |
Anonymous
Can add this to my list too - he even wrote in his court materials how daughter was a "good girl" because she "even makes him his coffee" and cleans up the kitchen wiping down the counters and remembering what groceries they need. He also wrote about taking them to an activity he knew she didn’t like, "but that she pretended to like it to make [him] happy and show an interest in something he liked, she is such a good girl". She was 9. He also praised "maturity" to serve his interests and compliments were more like orders "I'm so proud of you, you always take care of your little brother" making her the mother/responsible parent. |