Tell the work?

[Anonymous]

Angry me still hasn’t confronted (and might not) about husbands affair with a coworker . He still needs to pay college so need his job but a part of me is so bitter and wants the AP out (I won’t get back), that I do want his work to find out. Tell me please I am being irrational.or should I just let them have their happy dance and subject my kids to fewer resources? Both are freshmen in college and HS, respectively.

[Anonymous]

I just told him to move to the guestroom.

Then I just lived my life to tell you the truth and he was like wait what are we doing? Are we going to therapy? Are we divorcing?

So I was like OK let’s go to therapy and I did that for like two years. Then I was like, yeah we’re divorcing. AP out of the picture and I got one kid through college and one into college and he agreed to pay half but I paid half..

[Anonymous]

Oh yeah, but no, don’t tell his work. That’s weird.

[Anonymous]

No, his job will think you're crazy. When we've had ex husbands call HR to tell about their wives we all think they are crazy jerks. And yes, if he actually does lose his job that would hurt your kids.

[Anonymous]

Coworker here.
We already know.

[Anonymous]

This is really weird.

[Anonymous]

Why blow up your life even further? Why punish your kids?

[Anonymous]

It is entirely possible that his work wouldn’t penalize your husband’s affair partner over this.

Your anger is 1000% understandable.
Being cheated on never is a good thing to experience and you are going through a ton right now.

But try to keep some dignity for yourself - - and learn to let go of all your anger over this.
That is if you are willing to work on your marriage right now.

[Anonymous]

If you get divorced and he’s unemployed, you could be on the hook to pay him child support and alimony. Many judges, esp in Virginia, don’t care about adultery at all.

Think about your decision to keep his work out of it as a financial decision that benefits you and your kids, not as any sort of loss of an opportunity for revenge.

Besides, you could have all sorts of fun tormenting them in other ways….

[Anonymous]

ICK!
Ma’am the problem is with that man you’re married to.
Leave the AP alone and deal with that cheating husband of yours.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t tell his work. I wanted him to understand that if he wanted to keep that job (which let’s be honest per the above I doubt anything would happen) he needed to keep my interests aligned with his, monetarily. And yes I needed him to keep making money for the kids.

Take a deep breath and play the long game. You can blow up his spot years later by casually dropping it in conversation as a joke you were in on the whole time.

[Anonymous]

Unless his work had a morality or no-fraternization clause it’s unlikely anyone is getting fired. Stay calm, get your kids’ college funds secured and start separating yourself quietly in your marriage. The saying about revenge being best served cold isn’t for nothing.
Be prepared though. You can’t control it if he suddenly decides to file and ride off with the AP, so don’t get caught flat-footed.

[Anonymous]

I get it, unfortunately I do. But you need to tell yourself over and over and over that you love your kids more than you hate them. Even moreso because their other parent didn't, your job is to put your kids' best interest first in every decision you make even when it's not as satisfying to you. I'm in the same boat, but 4 years out. I feel good about myself and how I gracefully disentangled my side of a sh-t show. My kids are younger, but I can tell they subconsciously know i am the steady, safe, reliable, one. I'm their calm and that's all I can ever ask for. Stay the course OP, their relaitonship is rooted in fantasy, secrecy, and betrayal. When the lights flip on and they're out of the dark corners they've been hiding in, they won't even know each other and it will all crumble and you can take satisfaction in that. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

If it were me, I would make all decisions with my children's best interests in mind. As a result, I doubt telling his work would be conducive to his continuing to earn at the same rate, so I wouldn't do it. It's just vengeful, and I get that, I would also probably want revenge if I were cheated on, but I don't think it's a good long-term solution. Hurting someone else rarely does anything but also hurt you.

[Anonymous]

Depending on their roles and the company rules your hubby might be the one fired. Chew on that.