DH putting interests and activities first

[Anonymous]

Over the last few years, DH has become increasingly selfish and even says things that basically declare that his needs and interests come first. I did detect a little bit of a selfish streak when we were dating but almost 20 years later but I saw it as one fault in a good man who treated me with love. But yikes, that mild streak has bloomed into a shameless trait he doesn't even try to suppress. We have kids and it's become obvious that he's numero uno even in the way he deals with them and their needs. He needs to be asked all the time to take them to their activities (with very, very carefully worded instructions) or if I tell him, hey, could you take Larlo to his XYZ activity and hang out there, there will be other fathers there you know, he'll actually counter along the lines of, "I don't like XYZ activity, not my thing." Um, guess what, here's a PSA: This activity isn't about YOU, mister. No one asked nor cares if YOU like baseball or Boy Scouts or hanging out at your daughter's ballet studio. He's even tried to insist that the kids want to see certain movies that I know he actually wants to see, so he'll pretend they want to see the film.

Honestly, if he were into something like hunting and fishing at least he'd be bringing back something we could cook together and eat. Or if he were into some sort of lucrative hobby that generated extra income, ok, I could live with that as well. But none of these things help us or bring us together as a family in anyway. It's all for HIM. He's literally picked up a bunch of new solo, non-income generating hobbies over the past few years.

Anyone deal with a spouse like this? How did it work out in the long run? Mid-life crisis, or someone just showing their true colors?

[Anonymous]

Yeah living this. It's helping to make it about fairness, like talking about our goals for family life. How many dinners/evenings a week do we each feel okay missing?

We settled on we each get one standard night to do whatever we like away from the house. He can do his hobby, I can do mine or go out with friends or solo or whatever. That leaves five nights where we're both expected to be home or need to ask the other spouse how they feel about being home alone with the kids. Not him at the least minute springing that he'll be gone multiple nights in a given week and I'm default always home.

[Anonymous]

I'd just have the fight.

As a PP said, make it about fairness. And be totally blunt - "Larlo, Boy Scouts isn't about you or your enjoyment. It's a parental duty." And don't try to sweeten the pot with things like him knowing other dads there like it's some bargaining chip

And don't let him weasel out by saying he didn't want the kids to do all these activities anyway. That discussion can be tabled until this fall's activities are over.

I think you just have to stop tiptoeing around this and have the come to Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the last few years, DH has become increasingly selfish and even says things that basically declare that his needs and interests come first. I did detect a little bit of a selfish streak when we were dating but almost 20 years later but I saw it as one fault in a good man who treated me with love. But yikes, that mild streak has bloomed into a shameless trait he doesn't even try to suppress. We have kids and it's become obvious that he's numero uno even in the way he deals with them and their needs. He needs to be asked all the time to take them to their activities (with very, very carefully worded instructions) or if I tell him, hey, could you take Larlo to his XYZ activity and hang out there, there will be other fathers there you know, he'll actually counter along the lines of, "I don't like XYZ activity, not my thing." Um, guess what, here's a PSA: This activity isn't about YOU, mister. No one asked nor cares if YOU like baseball or Boy Scouts or hanging out at your daughter's ballet studio. He's even tried to insist that the kids want to see certain movies that I know he actually wants to see, so he'll pretend they want to see the film.

Honestly, if he were into something like hunting and fishing at least he'd be bringing back something we could cook together and eat. Or if he were into some sort of lucrative hobby that generated extra income, ok, I could live with that as well. But none of these things help us or bring us together as a family in anyway. It's all for HIM. He's literally picked up a bunch of new solo, non-income generating hobbies over the past few years.

Anyone deal with a spouse like this? How did it work out in the long run? Mid-life crisis, or someone just showing their true colors?

If this is actually how you talk to him, it's annoying.

[Anonymous]

No.
However, Mr Husband is not gonna’ change.
He’s got away with not assuring for so long

Prepare to be the sole parent for everything
Hire help maybe to assit
Deal or
Divorce

[Anonymous]

Assisting *

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd just have the fight.

As a PP said, make it about fairness. And be totally blunt - "Larlo, Boy Scouts isn't about you or your enjoyment. It's a parental duty." And don't try to sweeten the pot with things like him knowing other dads there like it's some bargaining chip

And don't let him weasel out by saying he didn't want the kids to do all these activities anyway. That discussion can be tabled until this fall's activities are over.

I think you just have to stop tiptoeing around this and have the come to Jesus.

It’s only a parental duty of both parents jointly agreed on the activity or if they agreed that activities were something they would give their child and they would split the duties when it came to making it happen.

I don’t think it’s fair to unilaterally decide on how many and which activities are going to happen and then expect the other parent to split the duties of making them happen.

[Anonymous]

What are his hobbies?

[Anonymous]

Yes I have a DH like this. It is actually why we separated for a year - he got better but a year after reconciliation he is slowly regressing back into old ways. DH fishes but does catch and release so we do not even benefit. Always puts himself, his needs first over everyone. But he is like that with his moods too. If he feels like having a bad attitude or tantrum over something he doesn’t care who is around or who he affects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd just have the fight.

As a PP said, make it about fairness. And be totally blunt - "Larlo, Boy Scouts isn't about you or your enjoyment. It's a parental duty." And don't try to sweeten the pot with things like him knowing other dads there like it's some bargaining chip

And don't let him weasel out by saying he didn't want the kids to do all these activities anyway. That discussion can be tabled until this fall's activities are over.

I think you just have to stop tiptoeing around this and have the come to Jesus.

It’s only a parental duty of both parents jointly agreed on the activity or if they agreed that activities were something they would give their child and they would split the duties when it came to making it happen.

I don’t think it’s fair to unilaterally decide on how many and which activities are going to happen and then expect the other parent to split the duties of making them happen.

This.
And it sounds like op has very strong opinions on the kinds of activities one should do.

So I'm leaning towards her being more of the problem than her husband.

[Anonymous]

Activities should be something you both agree on as to how many and how often the kids go and how transportation is going to work.you don't unilaterally decide this.

As for hobbies it's okay for you and your husband to have hobbies that don't center around the family.. it's good for you as individuals and for your kids to see.

Not all family activities have to be 100% kid focused it can be something geared towards the whole family it can even be something that mom or dad likes I loved going to antique car shows with my dad even though cars weren't exactly my thing. Sometimes an adult interest can spark something I learned to knit thanks to my mom . Wanted to learn guitar because dad listened to LED Zeppelin instead of preschool tunes all day and we did plenty of kid centric stuff to.

Also remember my parents having time just them or time they went with other couples or to solo activities.

Be flexible.

Also it's not okay for you to disparage your husband's interests.

[Anonymous]

I'm kind of like this...i would never refuse to take my kid to an activity but I've absolutely dragged them to movies et al that only I wanted to see. And I spend time away doing different hobbies.
I'd be happy if my family joined me in the hobbies. What is your husband doing?

[Anonymous]

With my husband I always felt like the family and me were competing with tv and the couch. Like if he was taking someone to cub scouts this would require him to cheat on his relationship with the couch. Like the default is he should be lying in the couch. So perhaps the question is not “how many activities for the kids is reasonable” but “how much couch time for you is reasonable”? And the answer shouldn’t be “all of the hours” or all weekend.

OTOH with all the AI and stuff I think most people today hate their jobs so the TV is an escape. Ideally we wouldn’t limit the kids extra curricular activities but would try to figure out how to make less unpleasant overall so everyone didn’t want to escape from it.

[Anonymous]

Mine was like this and just filed for divorce and I truly think it’s because I pushed back about his selfishness plus a touch of mid-life crisis. Mine went from what you’re describing (crabby and selective about which family things he’d deign to participate in) to controlling (forced us to go on vacations he chose or not at all, bullied me into the purchase of a house I didn’t want).

It’s a slippery slope and I think you are doing a good job by recognizing it now. I did see signs here and there when we were dating but nothing was obvious until I looked back at a long pattern of this behavior. It didn’t help that he played Mr. Nice Guy to everyone but me so I thought that maybe I was always seeing things incorrectly.

After watching other dads step up and enjoy the most tedious aspects of family life and kids’ activities for the past decade, and making tons of compromises myself, I’m devastated by the choices my ex DH made and how it impacted the kids.

Even during divorce proceedings he was skipping visitation time to go on trips for his hobby but couldn’t show up for their activities because “traffic will be bad” or “there’s nothing to see from the waiting area.” There was a time when I worried that my (male, also a dad) attorney was going slap him out of sheer frustration at his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Since my husband prioritizes himself, I now only sign my kids up for activities I know I can take them to myself. My husband always says he’ll help drive them or come with us, but he flakes out at the last minute.