S/O - when is it appropriate to confront a rude/entitled/misbehaving person?

[Anonymous]

I am fascinated by the societal norms that go into this sort of decisionmaking. Those of us that follow rules (maybe to a fault?) are so nervous to confront those that break them. There must be a psychological/sociological reason for this, right?

Here's my example from this morning: on a very crowded metro, and a person boards, choosing to play very loud, very inappropriate music without headphones. You could literally feel the anxiety of people as they (me included) tried to avoid making direct eye contact with the offender. Yes, in the grand scheme, I guess it doesn't matter, but why do a group of people allow one person to dictate terms like that?

[Anonymous]

If they seemed safe, I would tap them and say "Hi would you mind turning that down? I can't hear my music over yours," and point to my ears.

[Anonymous]

People are nuts. I have zero interest in correcting someone's behavior unless it's a safety concern or will have some negative consequence (like cutting in line when the place in line actually matters).

[Anonymous]

I encounter this a lot, OP. I commute on the MARC train and always sit on the quiet car. If I see a couple, or even a parent with a child get on there and just talk I dont say anything. I assume they do not know the rules and are not trying to break them intentionally. However, if I see a regular commuter who normally sits on the quiet car with me every day, get on their phone and have a long conversation, I absolutely say something. They know better and are just being rude.

I don't know if I would have said anything to the person you describe. Lots of crazy people on the metro and someone like that is usually lookng for a fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they seemed safe, I would tap them and say "Hi would you mind turning that down? I can't hear my music over yours," and point to my ears.

But, would you make the same decision if the person were a visible minority ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they seemed safe, I would tap them and say "Hi would you mind turning that down? I can't hear my music over yours," and point to my ears.

But, would you make the same decision if the person were a visible minority ?

I would not, personally because I’d be concerned about being labeled a racist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they seemed safe, I would tap them and say "Hi would you mind turning that down? I can't hear my music over yours," and point to my ears.

But, would you make the same decision if the person were a visible minority ?

Of course. Being a minority doesn't make someone inherently unsafe.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s my business to “correct” strangers. Why would I bother? Nor is it my job to police who is “entitled” or “misbehaving.” I do have the right to speak up when someone’s actions are affecting me, but in my mind it is not about judging them, it is about my own comfort.

[Anonymous]

When you're at the end of your rope yourself and can't help yourself. Otherwise don't. That's not the kind of culture we live in, like it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s my business to “correct” strangers. Why would I bother? Nor is it my job to police who is “entitled” or “misbehaving.” I do have the right to speak up when someone’s actions are affecting me, but in my mind it is not about judging them, it is about my own comfort.

Well that's exactly what we are discussing here. If someone else's behavior is affecting us in a negative way, it's ok to speak up.

[Anonymous]

I was just in Tysons HomeGoods and this young guy in on speaker FaceTiming a friend who has apparently never been there. I should not know that or that her name is Asia and she was in Rockville, but alas, since he was loud and giving her a tour of the entire store I could not avoid it.

[Anonymous]

I tend to not do this but one time I was in a store being helped by the manager who was taking my return. A man walked in and the other clerk at the desk started helping this guy. He soon started yelling loudly and demanding to speak to the manager. I told him off. He asked me why I cared and I said because you're interrupting my transaction and it affects me. He actually shut up then.

[Anonymous]

Never. Too many people looking for a fight.
This applies to being in my car, too.

[Anonymous]

If someone is playing loud music out loud on a train, I'd assume they are so crazy and rude it's best not to engage with them

That said, I once sat on an Amtrak train and put in my earplugs and turned on a movie on my iPad. I did not realize that the earplugs were not plugged into my iPad! The whole train car could hear my movie. I was glad when people asked me to plug in my headphones and I apologized.

[Anonymous]

When it is a clueless Boomer in a doctor's office, they are probably just self-absorbed and used to watching their phone on top volume at home. When it is someone playing inappropriate music loudly on a train, it is likely an intentional act of civil disobedience and/or a cry for negative attention--they are hoping to disturb people and/or provoke a confrontation. Roll your eyes inwardly or at a fellow passenger and move on.