How do highly sensitive boys turn out?

[Anonymous]

I have a 7 year old son who has always been highly sensitive and I guess sentimental. Some examples:
- Recently at bedtime, to be cute, I put one of his stuffed animal on my hand (it was a stuff puppet) and pretended to talk to my son as this puppet and said how I (the puppet) was his oldest "friend" because I was the first stuffy he got and how I've been with him ever since and that I wanted to get to go on some adventures with him (son gets to choose 2 stuffed animals whenever we vacation and he has never chosen this particular stuffy). Just what I consider normal cute interaction at bedtime. The next morning he told me to never tell him that story again because it made him sad thinking about his babyhood and about his stuffy. (He also vowed to take this stuffy with him next time).
- We were at an event once where there was a controlled collision between two cars (going at pretty low speed) and then they showcase first responders responding to the scene. My son's reaction was like something struck him. He was upset, sobbing a bit, saying "poor car" and how sad he felt for the car. Lots of other kids there. I didn't see any visible reactions from them or my other son.
- once when he was pretty young, like 12 months old, he saw a video of a bunch of giraffes and there was a scene where a baby giraffe was walking along a road and sort of loses balance and falls over (it was meant to be funny; giraffe was not hurt and got up). He burst out crying.
- He doesn't want to stand up for himself or tell a bully off because he doesn't want to hurt the other kid's feelings.

Just some examples that jumped out; there are many others. I think his sensitivity comes from me so it's not exactly foreign to me and it has certainly had its advantages and disadvantages on my life, but I had a certain "don't tread on me" attitude that went along with my sensitivity that my son does not have. I am also a woman where I think that sensitivity is more accepted and even appreciated among my peers and society. I guess I am wondering if anyone has experience with a highly sensitive son or husband (or if you are a highly sensitive man yourself). How do these boys/men turn out? What are the pitfalls? Will he be able to find his place in this loud and angry world?

[Anonymous]

I have a highly sensitive DS. He is 14. He did not do well in a large public elementary school with large classes and lots of ostentatious behavior. He has done much better in a small private school with small classes. It also took trial and error to find sports/ extra curriculars that clicked for him given his personality. In some sports he could play well, but his sensitivities made it a hard sell. Band / strings can be a good fit for kids like this. And individual sports like swimming and running, maybe tennis/ golf. He's doing well by all measures. The sensitive nature is an asset, it just takes a bit more work helping him navigate the loud "look at me" culture we live in and finding his place. FWIW, adults who meet DS for the first time think he's awesome and comment on him being a better listener, more respectful/mature, etc. than your average HS boy.

[Anonymous]

I (a man) was a pretty sensitive kid and I still am as an adult, (your first story made ME sad for instance).

I think I turned out okay. There's a lot of ways that people (especially men) relate to each other that don't work for me, things like friendly insults. I gravitate towards people who are calmer and more overtly kind. It's meant my closer friends are often women, though not exclusively.

Various times as a kid were hard. I cried pretty easily, and that's not cool when you're in sixth grade. I think kids today ARE nicer though, in a lot of ways. I grew up somewhere where there weren't a lot of options for activities, so I never found people like me that way, but I found people who I liked in school most of the time.

None of it mattered after I started college though. It's still who I am, but it's not something I think about most of the time.

[Anonymous]

DD ends up with anxiety, social anxiety

[Anonymous]

My 10 year old is highly sensitive. He feels really big emotions and is in tune to people around him. I have had to shield him from news, media, and things that aren't "fair" or "nice" because he gets upset and wants to know why and worries about it. He has diagnosed anxiety and takes medicine. He has gotten in trouble at school for standing up for what he believes to be right, and has a very hard time letting things go. He doesn't take teasing well at all (of him or his peers). He wants to share and make things equal.

But he is also a physically large/strong kid with an interest and talent in sports. Part of the above mention of him getting is trouble is something like a kid picks on another kid and he inserts himself and pushes them away. Because he is bigger, he then is viewed as the problem. It's been a real struggle to teach him that he a) 100% has to keep his hands to himself and b) he isn't given sympathy because he presents like a large strong confident kid and c) he doesn't have to get involved in every injustice.

Day to day, we work a lot on emotional regulation. He has fewer friendships than maybe others do, but is still well liked and has a good group of kids he spends tims with. He just takes awhile to find those people.

I actually don't think "sensitive boy" is as rare or uncommon as you may believe. Just let him be himself, focus on his strengths and interests and don’t put him in a box.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a highly sensitive DS. He is 14. He did not do well in a large public elementary school with large classes and lots of ostentatious behavior. He has done much better in a small private school with small classes. It also took trial and error to find sports/ extra curriculars that clicked for him given his personality. In some sports he could play well, but his sensitivities made it a hard sell. Band / strings can be a good fit for kids like this. And individual sports like swimming and running, maybe tennis/ golf. He's doing well by all measures. The sensitive nature is an asset, it just takes a bit more work helping him navigate the loud "look at me" culture we live in and finding his place. FWIW, adults who meet DS for the first time think he's awesome and comment on him being a better listener, more respectful/mature, etc. than your average HS boy.

Wow. Crazy for me to read this. I have a 16 year old boy and I would say same things. He has never been a large group of boys type of kid. He will be friends in small groups or one-on-one with boys and is also friends with girls. Never liked rough sports and does an individual sport. He does an EC that is in the arts also. He is an amazing human and adults regularly tell him and me so. He is a great listener, super polite, a good friend, and very mature. I often say to people he is kind of an old soul.

It is totally an asset OP, as this poster said. You worry for them sometimes as the world doesn't necessarily outwardly value these types of men all the time. In elementary school in particular it can feel like they maybe won't find their place or will struggle. But it is an asset.

[Anonymous]

What you're describing sounds a lot like my 7 year old son. I don't know if it's neurological or something else. He is more introverted, plays with stuffies like they are real, and is sensitive to violence and loud noises. Last year we went to the Indiana Jones stunt show in Disney HS. He was so worried about the actor's wellbeing that he started crying, despite my assuring him the show was just pretend. He will also start crying and hold his ears if we go somewhere that is very loud. However, he also has friends and is doing well in school. He wanted to do soccer because his older brother plays, and it's been great for his confidence. He is almost too well-behaved and needs some encouragement to advocate for himself, go after the ball, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I (a man) was a pretty sensitive kid and I still am as an adult, (your first story made ME sad for instance).

I think I turned out okay. There's a lot of ways that people (especially men) relate to each other that don't work for me, things like friendly insults. I gravitate towards people who are calmer and more overtly kind. It's meant my closer friends are often women, though not exclusively.

Various times as a kid were hard. I cried pretty easily, and that's not cool when you're in sixth grade. I think kids today ARE nicer though, in a lot of ways. I grew up somewhere where there weren't a lot of options for activities, so I never found people like me that way, but I found people who I liked in school most of the time.

None of it mattered after I started college though. It's still who I am, but it's not something I think about most of the time.

Thanks for sharing. Could you elaborate on what you mean that none of it mattered once you started college?

[Anonymous]

I have an 18 year old who has always been sensitive (not sure i would describe him as highly sensitive, but its a matter of degree). I think he's a great kid. He has friends, he loves sports, he does well in school, and he's pretty drama free so he gets along well with most people. He also cries when he's sad (e.g. when his main sport ended after his HS team lost their final game, thinking about missing his friends after graduation, college drop off). I've always told him its ok to feel these feelings and express them. I don't want him to bottle up his emotions and be stoic just because that's what the world expects from a man. I'm proud that he can express his emotions and I think its healthy to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you're describing sounds a lot like my 7 year old son. I don't know if it's neurological or something else. He is more introverted, plays with stuffies like they are real, and is sensitive to violence and loud noises. Last year we went to the Indiana Jones stunt show in Disney HS. He was so worried about the actor's wellbeing that he started crying, despite my assuring him the show was just pretend. He will also start crying and hold his ears if we go somewhere that is very loud. However, he also has friends and is doing well in school. He wanted to do soccer because his older brother plays, and it's been great for his confidence. He is almost too well-behaved and needs some encouragement to advocate for himself, go after the ball, etc.

DP but I want to note that sensitivity to loud noises and environments could be indicative of something else, like autism. It's not always the same as emotionally sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a highly sensitive DS. He is 14. He did not do well in a large public elementary school with large classes and lots of ostentatious behavior. He has done much better in a small private school with small classes. It also took trial and error to find sports/ extra curriculars that clicked for him given his personality. In some sports he could play well, but his sensitivities made it a hard sell. Band / strings can be a good fit for kids like this. And individual sports like swimming and running, maybe tennis/ golf. He's doing well by all measures. The sensitive nature is an asset, it just takes a bit more work helping him navigate the loud "look at me" culture we live in and finding his place. FWIW, adults who meet DS for the first time think he's awesome and comment on him being a better listener, more respectful/mature, etc. than your average HS boy.

Yes this sounds like how my son is leaning. He is in a small private school and is doing well. His classmates are kind and no bullies there but I do worry he might not find his people since it is a small school vs a larger public. He has no interest in team sports but enjoys all the individual sports, and is doing well with his music lessons, though his perfectionism gets in the way often. Glad to hear your son is doing well at 14!

I know these type of kids will impress adults, but I know kids don't care much about that and care more about their peers. Is your son able to have good friends while not having to hide or suppress himself?

[Anonymous]

Is he in any sports? Mine was highly sensitive at 2-7 and putting him in soccer and flag football in K and 1st grade helped him relate more to other kids and to be able to get over small things. He can also deal better with noisy places, crazy places like arcades, and stand up for himself.

[Anonymous]

OP since you also mention perfectionism I would advise you to consider if your so has an anxiety disorder. It's fairly common, and perfectionist tendencies is a strong indicator.

There is nothing at all wrong with being a sensitive child/boy/man, so I'm not trying to say that! Just sharing from my experience with an anxious kid so you can seek the right support if needed.

[Anonymous]

I have a boy that is a lot like yours sounds. He is now a pretty competitive wrestler. He does usually cry after (and sometimes during) matches, but he is also tough as nails and never gets pinned. Don’t assume that Hank g a sensitive nature is definitely a no go for tough sports. He also loves pottery and still needs me to snuggle him before bed. Kids come in all stripes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he in any sports? Mine was highly sensitive at 2-7 and putting him in soccer and flag football in K and 1st grade helped him relate more to other kids and to be able to get over small things. He can also deal better with noisy places, crazy places like arcades, and stand up for himself.

I don't disagree with you, but do find it interesting that you advocate masculine sports as a "fix" to a sensitive kid. I'm glad it seemed to be a fit for your son. I am the poster who said I don't think it's all that uncommon to have sensitive boys. But I also think it's really common to try to change them, so those who don't or can't change might stand out more.