For those of you who don't allow your teen to have a smart phone

[Anonymous]

My teen has had an iPhone since they were 11, necessitated by sports practice and travel as much as anything. They have social media, but I make them share their logins, texts, calls, and web activity with me so that I can see all activity on Snapchat, TikTok, Instagram, etc. They probably have a private browsing situation, but I see most of what happens on their phone. Our deal was that you can have the iPhone, but you can’t have privacy until you are at least 16, and only if you’ve proven you’re ready for it. They are in their mid-teens now and have some friends whose parents still don’t let them have phones. Well, I’m here to tell you that many of your kids are still accessing social media accounts (I can’t tell you how, maybe they have web access somewhere, or an iPad, or even a secret phone), and they are the worst offenders with the things they DM my kid. Not just other boys, but also teen girls who are sending photos that would likely give their parents heart attacks. I'm not here with an answer because I think smartphones and social media are the most significant problems of this generation; just as a comment that withholding a smartphone from a teen isn’t the panacea that some people believe it to be.

[Anonymous]

Meh. I don't know why you would "need" to give an 11 year old an iphone due to sports practice or travel. There's plenty of basic flip phones and kids' phones that do the trick.

This "Wait Until 8th grade" website has a lot of good resources for parents who want to hold off on smart phone use.
https://www.waituntil8th.org/
And while it's hard to block your kid from social media completely, your logic that "kids without phones are the worst offenders on DM" is odd. You seem to have a lot of confidence in your own beliefs based on a few observations.

[Anonymous]

I stopped at "my teen has had an I-phone since age 11."

That's on you, OP. No child of that age "needs" an i-phone.

[Anonymous]

Whatever makes you feel better about giving your child the keys to the wild west at such a young age.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Anecdotally, my kid has four particular 13-14-year-old friends without a smart kid, and they are DMing my kid messages that include racial slurs, violence against girls, and pornography, sometimes after midnight (my kid has no access to a phone, iPad, or computer after 8 pm). Sometimes these messages come on a gaming platform. I’m sure none of your kids would do that, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Anecdotally, my kid has four particular 13-14-year-old friends without a smart kid, and they are DMing my kid messages that include racial slurs, violence against girls, and pornography, sometimes after midnight (my kid has no access to a phone, iPad, or computer after 8 pm). Sometimes these messages come on a gaming platform. I’m sure none of your kids would do that, though.

No one is saying our kids behave like angels, but making the giant leap to "Iphones are great for all 11 year olds, because my kid doesn't send unsafe/racist DMs" shows your logic could do some work. It sounds like your kid has some really problematic friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Anecdotally, my kid has four particular 13-14-year-old friends without a smart kid, and they are DMing my kid messages that include racial slurs, violence against girls, and pornography, sometimes after midnight (my kid has no access to a phone, iPad, or computer after 8 pm). Sometimes these messages come on a gaming platform. I’m sure none of your kids would do that, though.

Look, if my kid were receiving messages like that I would take away devices from my kid so he isn’t exposed to that. I would block those kids.

[Anonymous]

I love all kinds of screens and my kids have had everything since elementary, so I have no criticism for you there, OP.

But I'm wondering, why don't you reach out to the parents if their kids are sending your kids inappropriate things? Aside from protecting your kid, if I were their parent and I thought my kid didn't have access to SM, I would want to know.

[Anonymous]

I agree with this and have also seen it. Kids who don't have access get no guidance and oversight via their parents and find other outlets to participate. Burner phones, friends' phones, school devices.

People don't want to believe this though or they are in denial. So not surprised that people are turning this into a slam on OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Anecdotally, my kid has four particular 13-14-year-old friends without a smart kid, and they are DMing my kid messages that include racial slurs, violence against girls, and pornography, sometimes after midnight (my kid has no access to a phone, iPad, or computer after 8 pm). Sometimes these messages come on a gaming platform. I’m sure none of your kids would do that, though.

No one is saying our kids behave like angels, but making the giant leap to "Iphones are great for all 11 year olds, because my kid doesn't send unsafe/racist DMs" shows your logic could do some work. It sounds like your kid has some really problematic friends.

I'm not saying iPhones are great for anyone; we got one reluctantly for our kid and have regular talks about the risks. The kids I'm mad about come from good, intact homes, and their parents think that they've done their job because they don't have a smartphone, when some of their kids are the worst offenders online (including they are sharing their location with strangers and you don't realize it); however, they are getting there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love all kinds of screens and my kids have had everything since elementary, so I have no criticism for you there, OP.

But I'm wondering, why don't you reach out to the parents if their kids are sending your kids inappropriate things? Aside from protecting your kid, if I were their parent and I thought my kid didn't have access to SM, I would want to know.

I am not OP but I just responded saying I have seen this. I'll answer why I have never reached out to a parent. It's a violation of my kid's trust, which I place higher than helping out parents I barely know. The exception would be life threatening situations. Also, in general a lot of these types of parents are sanctimonious types who aren't going to believe you anyway and it will just be an awkward conversation that goes nowhere.

[Anonymous]

pinwheel phone are locked down but you can add apps to them as needed. It will not allow you to add certain apps, like snapchat or tiktok even with parent approval. But a lot of the team type apps work.

My teens will never be on a smart phone with unfettered access to the internet nor will they be online at home in non public spaces. They have adhd and are more at danger of impulsive and addictive behavior that smart phones and sm engenders. Their brains need to develop as much as possible before they have unfettered access. I don't believe there is any protective mechanism of getting it early when parents can help guide them. It is more powerful than us and I've talked to many parents IRL who watched their kids make potentially life altering mistakes despite their being involved in guiding them, including a sextortion scam victim (he was fine but only because he reached out immediately when it happened to an adult though not his parent). My kids will learn through other kids' mistakes, even ones in the news, rather than their own is my hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love all kinds of screens and my kids have had everything since elementary, so I have no criticism for you there, OP.

But I'm wondering, why don't you reach out to the parents if their kids are sending your kids inappropriate things? Aside from protecting your kid, if I were their parent and I thought my kid didn't have access to SM, I would want to know.

I've thought about it, but my spouse believes the other parents will shoot the messenger, and it'll come back on our kid. So we're focusing on our kid and how they should respond.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You need to understand that it depends on the kid.

My son and daughter are 20 and 15, have had smart phones and other devices since middle school, don't have social media accounts (apart from LinkedIn for the adult) and have never been the type to post pics of themselves, soft porn or not, on the internet.

I have seen some teen girls' social media accounts (classmates of my daughter), and they're basically soft porn.

It depends on your kid's character. If they really want to, they will find a way, and if the phone is handed to them late, they will do it, just later.

But some kids will never be interested regardless of when they get a device.

So stop tying the age of getting a device to the propensity for risky behavior. There's a lot more to it than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love all kinds of screens and my kids have had everything since elementary, so I have no criticism for you there, OP.

But I'm wondering, why don't you reach out to the parents if their kids are sending your kids inappropriate things? Aside from protecting your kid, if I were their parent and I thought my kid didn't have access to SM, I would want to know.

I've thought about it, but my spouse believes the other parents will shoot the messenger, and it'll come back on our kid. So we're focusing on our kid and how they should respond.

I'm surprised your kid still calls these kids "friends". Not sure why you're trying to give parenting advice (and bad advice at that), when you should be trying to teach your kid some values.