Girlfriends favorite sister hates me

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

I (34F) am a single mom by choice to a 4-year-old daughter. I have stable employment, own my home outright, carry no debt, and run two successful careers (financial advisor + wedding photographer). That context matters because it ties into the issue.

My background: I spent my early years in an orphanage, was adopted into an abusive family, and got kicked out at 14 for being gay. Thankfully, my caseworker took me in, and I now call her “mom.” Life has been tough, but I worked hard to build stability and independence for myself and my child.

My girlfriend (44F) is a highly regarded doctor. She grew up in poverty as one of eight siblings and has supported her parents/siblings most of her life. Out of the eight, only two really “made it,” and she’s the second oldest. She’s closest to one particular sister (30F) — and that sister absolutely hates me.

Some context:
- my girlfriend mostly raised her three youngest siblings (F30, F28, M26)
- closest with F30 sister who hates me
-F30 sister is in an abusive marriage with a 14-year-old son. Doesn’t want to divorce till he’s 18 and out of house.
- depends heavily on my girlfriend for financial, emotional support
- thinks I’m just with my girlfriend for money


For full transparency: yes, my girlfriend makes about $90k more than me annually. But she pays hefty alimony to her ex-husband and still has med school loans. Our net worth is actually pretty similar. I’ve never needed anyone financially — in fact, I take deep pride in my independence. If anything, my trauma makes me more hesitant to rely on others.

The truth is, I’ve never loved anyone like I love my girlfriend. She’s incredible, and I’m all-in. We’ve taken things slow because of my child, but this sister made up her mind about me before even meeting me.

I don’t think it’s truly about me. I suspect it’s codependency — she sees me as a threat to her bond with my girlfriend. But it still hurts. As someone without much family, I’d never want to get between my girlfriend and hers, but I also won’t accept being treated like garbage.

Here’s the kicker: we live across the country from her sister, but she’s openly saying she plans to divorce her husband (who is abusive/cheating) and move in with my girlfriend once her son graduates high school in 3 years.

So my questions:
• Has anyone else dealt with a partner’s sibling hating them?
• Is there any way to change her mind about me?
• Or do I just need to accept she’ll always dislike me and focus on boundaries?

She’s the only sibling with an issue — but because she’s the “favorite,” it weighs heavily on me.

[Anonymous]

There is no way to sugarcoat this. My initial thought is that your girlfriend is out of your league and her sister doesn’t want her to date down.

Are you out of her league?

[Anonymous]

I also won't sugar coat this. If your girlfriend doesn't come to your defense about the gold digging accusations, she's not worth it. If she doesn't defend you against outright rude or disrespectful behavior, she's not worth it. She's allowed to dislike you, she shouldn't be rude or nasty about it.

That said, I'd be careful you're not coming off as judgemental or a little bit "you shouldn't be so codependent on my girlfriend".

[Anonymous]

Other than accusing you of being in it for the money, what exactly is she doing? She doesn't have to like you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way to sugarcoat this. My initial thought is that your girlfriend is out of your league and her sister doesn’t want her to date down.

Are you out of her league?

My girlfriend cannot get enough of me. Does that answer your question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other than accusing you of being in it for the money, what exactly is she doing? She doesn't have to like you

Shit talking me to their entire family. Her two other sisters tell me all about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also won't sugar coat this. If your girlfriend doesn't come to your defense about the gold digging accusations, she's not worth it. If she doesn't defend you against outright rude or disrespectful behavior, she's not worth it. She's allowed to dislike you, she shouldn't be rude or nasty about it.

That said, I'd be careful you're not coming off as judgemental or a little bit "you shouldn't be so codependent on my girlfriend".

I honestly have said very little to her. These are my internal dialogues.

I will not do the “it’s me or you” thing to my girlfriend. As someone without family I I’ll not get between siblings but also it’s so frustrating I finally found someone “perfect” for me and the one thing standing in our way is her family. So ironic as someone without it.

[Anonymous]

IME many accusations are actually confessions. She's getting a bunch of money from your girlfriend and she's afraid that will stop. Perhaps she's homophobic and she would rather your gf be with a man again?

Whether it's for one of those reasons or she actually is trying to protect her sister from a perceived gold digger I couldn't say but you need to talk to your gf about it. If she doesn't defend you, it might be time to move on. I know that hurts and I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

What's your girlfriend's reaction to all this? If she's not defending you and shutting it down, she's not perfect for you. She can still have a relationship with her sister without tolerating the disrespect towards you.

[Anonymous]

I'd be more concerned about the other two sisters who are feeding you this information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IME many accusations are actually confessions. She's getting a bunch of money from your girlfriend and she's afraid that will stop. Perhaps she's homophobic and she would rather your gf be with a man again?

Whether it's for one of those reasons or she actually is trying to protect her sister from a perceived gold digger I couldn't say but you need to talk to your gf about it. If she doesn't defend you, it might be time to move on. I know that hurts and I'm sorry.

The oldest sister (48) is homophobic and very religious but treats me ok. She’s not thrilled but she a still kinder than the 30 year old.

I don’t even know how to approach my GF about it. She loves her siblings. I’m afraid if I say anything it will be a me vs. them scenario.

The sister in question told the sister I’m closest too that I’m a bad person because I grew up without any family and all my adoptive families left me so something must be “wrong” with me. So that should tell you a lot about her as a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be more concerned about the other two sisters who are feeding you this information.

Why? They’re nice to me. Why would they be the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IME many accusations are actually confessions. She's getting a bunch of money from your girlfriend and she's afraid that will stop. Perhaps she's homophobic and she would rather your gf be with a man again?

Whether it's for one of those reasons or she actually is trying to protect her sister from a perceived gold digger I couldn't say but you need to talk to your gf about it. If she doesn't defend you, it might be time to move on. I know that hurts and I'm sorry.

The oldest sister (48) is homophobic and very religious but treats me ok. She’s not thrilled but she a still kinder than the 30 year old.

I don’t even know how to approach my GF about it. She loves her siblings. I’m afraid if I say anything it will be a me vs. them scenario.

The sister in question told the sister I’m closest too that I’m a bad person because I grew up without any family and all my adoptive families left me so something must be “wrong” with me. So that should tell you a lot about her as a person.

What I read is you have found someone you really like but who has MANY messed family members. The 2 feeding you hurtful gossip are no innocents and enjoying building big drama bonfire in hopes they can watch it all burn. If you can’t be open with your GF about what diff sisters saying to you and about you now, future is bad. You also should be able to ask will you live with your sisters in 3 years. If you are not asking or if you are not getting answers, enjoy the fling but then cut bait and move to someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IME many accusations are actually confessions. She's getting a bunch of money from your girlfriend and she's afraid that will stop. Perhaps she's homophobic and she would rather your gf be with a man again?

Whether it's for one of those reasons or she actually is trying to protect her sister from a perceived gold digger I couldn't say but you need to talk to your gf about it. If she doesn't defend you, it might be time to move on. I know that hurts and I'm sorry.

The oldest sister (48) is homophobic and very religious but treats me ok. She’s not thrilled but she a still kinder than the 30 year old.

I don’t even know how to approach my GF about it. She loves her siblings. I’m afraid if I say anything it will be a me vs. them scenario.

The sister in question told the sister I’m closest too that I’m a bad person because I grew up without any family and all my adoptive families left me so something must be “wrong” with me. So that should tell you a lot about her as a person.

You need to grow up and figure out how to approach this right now. Relationships take work. Relationships involve conflict. You have to learn how to deal with the conflict. Your fear about dealing with this situation is fine to feel but you can not let it stop you from dealing with this. You need to discuss this with your girlfriend like an adult and you need to look out for yourself first. It sounds like your self esteem may be so damaged, you tolerate behavior you should not tolerate.

[Anonymous]

Just be yourself and have a good energy and vibe and let things unfold organically.
Don’t participate and be part of the drama.