Spouse cannot accept child’s issues

[Anonymous]

My child has been diagnosed with learning disabilities and mental health issues. Child is officially receiving support and treatment from health care providers, therapist and the school. Spouse built identity and prestige on academic excellency and comes from a family in which it is considered dull not to get a doctoral degree. Spouse never accepted our child issues and now our child is growing and more aware of the shame and rejection from my spouse. Moreover spouse keeps blaming our child issues (according to the dr mostly genetic) to my ‘bad parenting’ (spouse was never much involved in the daily parenting tasks). I feel at loss and very sad for my child who already expressed me the feeling of being a failure in the eyes of my spouse. Anybody in a similar situation? Does it get better?

[Anonymous]

How old is your kid?

[Anonymous]

Pre-teen

[Anonymous]

Divorce.

[Anonymous]

The kid's doctors and therapists need to tell spouse to re-set expectations and his/her lack of support is negating any progress.

Also present promising options for the future. Kid might not be a doctor , but instead an AI programmer which is arguably "better" than an MD.

If you tell us the issues we can help you give a realistic expectation.
Are we talking about adhd quirky kid? Or more extreme like non verbal autism ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kid's doctors and therapists need to tell spouse to re-set expectations and his/her lack of support is negating any progress.

Also present promising options for the future. Kid might not be a doctor , but instead an AI programmer which is arguably "better" than an MD.

If you tell us the issues we can help you give a realistic expectation.
Are we talking about adhd quirky kid? Or more extreme like non verbal autism ?

Thank you so much for this reply. Child needs are somehow in between the two extremes you mentioned. Fully agree that spouse has unrealistic expectations and lack of support is negating any progress. It was very hard to get an evaluation because spouse for a long time refused to even recognize there was a need for it until the school put pressure on us. I think spouse is in denial, as early as yesterday was angrily comparing DC to an acquaintance’s child that is applying to Harvard!!!

[Anonymous]

Honestly this sounds fake. But there's a special needs forum you might be able to get specific tips for your child's diagnosis as well as dealing with your spouse.
Also you should always defend your child and remind them the issue is your husband not them. Remind them of how proud you are if their accomplishments. And you may want to mention it to their therapist

[Anonymous]

Is it his genes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds fake. But there's a special needs forum you might be able to get specific tips for your child's diagnosis as well as dealing with your spouse.
Also you should always defend your child and remind them the issue is your husband not them. Remind them of how proud you are if their accomplishments. And you may want to mention it to their therapist

I wish it was fake but is not. Therapist is aware of the situation at home. Spouse is very successful in their field but likely has undiagnosed ASD so interpersonal interactions are often tough. I am trying to encourage my child daily and be there for them unconditionally

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it his genes?

Possibly. In spouse’s family of origin there are at least two other people with similar struggles but they are rarely mentioned unless is to pity them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds fake. But there's a special needs forum you might be able to get specific tips for your child's diagnosis as well as dealing with your spouse.
Also you should always defend your child and remind them the issue is your husband not them. Remind them of how proud you are if their accomplishments. And you may want to mention it to their therapist

It doesn't sound fake at all. But I agree with the recommendation to post in the forum. This comes up all the time -- unfortunately, it often takes fathers more time to come to terms with their child's diagnosis. In the meantime, make sure to find a support system for yourself, since you can't rely on your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds fake. But there's a special needs forum you might be able to get specific tips for your child's diagnosis as well as dealing with your spouse.
Also you should always defend your child and remind them the issue is your husband not them. Remind them of how proud you are if their accomplishments. And you may want to mention it to their therapist

It doesn't sound fake at all. But I agree with the recommendation to post in the forum. This comes up all the time -- unfortunately, it often takes fathers more time to come to terms with their child's diagnosis. In the meantime, make sure to find a support system for yourself, since you can't rely on your spouse.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

He needs a come to jesus talk about whether he wants a relationship with this child longterm or not. If he doesn't, great - continue on the same way and his kid will grow up to hate him and want nothing to do with him ever. If that's the case then you know how to help your child deal with their father's shortcomings.

If he does want a relationship, he needs to change immediately. But he needs to decide what he wants his future relationship to be and act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Asian household? He might have doctorate degree but he's not educated.
It's understandable for older generation (his parents) to think like that because they don't know any better, but for him, it's just sad.

You cannot change his mind, so do your best to protect your kid's mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds fake. But there's a special needs forum you might be able to get specific tips for your child's diagnosis as well as dealing with your spouse.
Also you should always defend your child and remind them the issue is your husband not them. Remind them of how proud you are if their accomplishments. And you may want to mention it to their therapist

It sounds extremely on point Asian to me. These are very real dysfunctional Asian family dynamics OP is trying to work through. OP, I strongly suggest a family therapist for you and your child, one who is experienced with these kinds of intense families. Your child unfortunately will pick up on your spouse's feelings. You are not alone tho.