When to call it?

[Anonymous]

I thought I had a great relationship with DH, but after 3 years of infertility, we finally had a baby and he checked right out of our marriage as soon as soon as the birth happened. He is still physically present, but little more than that.

We have been going to marriage counseling for a couple of years, but once again, he shows up to the counseling sessions physically, but that’s about it. I have tried everything to work on our relationship, but when only one person is making an effort, obviously it is not going to work. I told him recently that I don't even feel like he’s my friend or has my back.

If we did not have kids, I’d be long gone with all he has now showed me about who he truly is. Unfortunately, our child has significant special needs and requires therapies and supports that I cannot afford on my own. Plus, DH refuses to educate himself about our child’s needs and is ill-suited to care for him on his own, as DH is impatient and cannot regulate himself. Basically, I saw one version of DH for the 8 years before we had kids, and now I experience a very different version. I’ve told him that I feel like he disappeared when our child was born and just never came back.

Anyway, I really don’t know what to do and feel like I pretty much have no option. I can’t afford to live in the DMV on my salary, much less in a school district that has services my child needs, and definitely can’t pay for the therapies and interventions our child needs. Plus, it would be bad news for our child if I was not around to make sure DH keeps his cool and behaves appropriately.

So, yeah. Anyone been through this?

[Anonymous]

All too many of us have been through this. Some men just cannot cope with parenthood, especially if special needs are involved.

I recommend that you, alone, meet with a financial planner with special needs expertise. Whatever you decide, make it an informed decision.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like the kind of person who would want 50/50 for appearances or to spite you, but then not want to actually do it.

Reconsider your ideas about school districts. Your child has the right to services in any district and a less expensive district may not be as bad as you think.

Your DH may leave you so I suggest starting to save money and squirrel away.

[Anonymous]

How old is your baby?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he’s depressed. Which doesn’t excuse his behavior. I’m sorry, I don’t have any good advice.

[Anonymous]

I would think he feels he didn't sign up for this kind of parenting. Like he didn't understand that you get the kid you get.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to him about what you want/what he wants. Would he really want custody in this situation if he is not engaged with your child? He would be obligated to provide support. Do you have family nearby? Is your child of school age? Any public school district would be obligated to provide services to him, but some are better than others.

[Anonymous]

To me, it sounds like the the years of infertility culminating in a child with significant special needs left him traumatized and depressed. More than couples therapy, I think he needs individual therapy. You said he feels like an entirely different person than the one you knew for 8 years.
Only you can decide if you're better off in this marriage or out of it, or if you think the situation cannot improve in the future. Before separating, make sure that you know everything about your financial situation, and that you have both a short-term and long-term plan for taking care of yourself and your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought I had a great relationship with DH, but after 3 years of infertility, we finally had a baby and he checked right out of our marriage as soon as soon as the birth happened. He is still physically present, but little more than that.

We have been going to marriage counseling for a couple of years, but once again, he shows up to the counseling sessions physically, but that’s about it. I have tried everything to work on our relationship, but when only one person is making an effort, obviously it is not going to work. I told him recently that I don't even feel like he’s my friend or has my back.

If we did not have kids, I’d be long gone with all he has now showed me about who he truly is. Unfortunately, our child has significant special needs and requires therapies and supports that I cannot afford on my own. Plus, DH refuses to educate himself about our child’s needs and is ill-suited to care for him on his own, as DH is impatient and cannot regulate himself. Basically, I saw one version of DH for the 8 years before we had kids, and now I experience a very different version. I’ve told him that I feel like he disappeared when our child was born and just never came back.

Anyway, I really don’t know what to do and feel like I pretty much have no option. I can’t afford to live in the DMV on my salary, much less in a school district that has services my child needs, and definitely can’t pay for the therapies and interventions our child needs. Plus, it would be bad news for our child if I was not around to make sure DH keeps his cool and behaves appropriately.

So, yeah. Anyone been through this?

You have your answer, in bold. You cannot divorce him. Find a way to deal with the situation you're in and stop fantasizing about divorce. You're stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me, it sounds like the the years of infertility culminating in a child with significant special needs left him traumatized and depressed. More than couples therapy, I think he needs individual therapy. You said he feels like an entirely different person than the one you knew for 8 years.
Only you can decide if you're better off in this marriage or out of it, or if you think the situation cannot improve in the future. Before separating, make sure that you know everything about your financial situation, and that you have both a short-term and long-term plan for taking care of yourself and your son.

+1 "Checking out" is probably his way of surviving such a huge blow. Maybe be extra kind and loving and understanding.

Fable by Charles Yu is a really good short story you might like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All too many of us have been through this. Some men just cannot cope with parenthood, especially if special needs are involved.

I recommend that you, alone, meet with a financial planner with special needs expertise. Whatever you decide, make it an informed decision.

This is really good advice, be as informed as possible. Be gentle on yourself. sending you strength.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me, it sounds like the the years of infertility culminating in a child with significant special needs left him traumatized and depressed. More than couples therapy, I think he needs individual therapy. You said he feels like an entirely different person than the one you knew for 8 years.
Only you can decide if you're better off in this marriage or out of it, or if you think the situation cannot improve in the future. Before separating, make sure that you know everything about your financial situation, and that you have both a short-term and long-term plan for taking care of yourself and your son.

+1 "Checking out" is probably his way of surviving such a huge blow. Maybe be extra kind and loving and understanding.

Fable by Charles Yu is a really good short story you might like.

Not the OP, but this was a good read. Appreciate the recommendation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I had a great relationship with DH, but after 3 years of infertility, we finally had a baby and he checked right out of our marriage as soon as soon as the birth happened. He is still physically present, but little more than that.

We have been going to marriage counseling for a couple of years, but once again, he shows up to the counseling sessions physically, but that’s about it. I have tried everything to work on our relationship, but when only one person is making an effort, obviously it is not going to work. I told him recently that I don't even feel like he’s my friend or has my back.

If we did not have kids, I’d be long gone with all he has now showed me about who he truly is. Unfortunately, our child has significant special needs and requires therapies and supports that I cannot afford on my own. Plus, DH refuses to educate himself about our child’s needs and is ill-suited to care for him on his own, as DH is impatient and cannot regulate himself. Basically, I saw one version of DH for the 8 years before we had kids, and now I experience a very different version. I’ve told him that I feel like he disappeared when our child was born and just never came back.

Anyway, I really don’t know what to do and feel like I pretty much have no option. I can’t afford to live in the DMV on my salary, much less in a school district that has services my child needs, and definitely can’t pay for the therapies and interventions our child needs. Plus, it would be bad news for our child if I was not around to make sure DH keeps his cool and behaves appropriately.

So, yeah. Anyone been through this?

You have your answer, in bold. You cannot divorce him. Find a way to deal with the situation you're in and stop fantasizing about divorce. You're stuck.

Precisely.
Suffer in silence or Divorce

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you should have divorced like yesterday.