Possibly autisitc 13 year old DD says she doesn't realize when she's being rude

[Anonymous]

I know teenagers can be rude and sparky. My 13 year old is no exception.

But the other night she was visibly upset when I said she was being rude, and seemed honestly confused, and was crying, about why I would say that. (I don't remember exactly, but I'm guessing she was disrespectful and talked back when I told her to do something.)

I've recently been thinking more that it's possible shes autistic. Maybe she doesn't realize when she's being rude? She seemed very sincere, so I don't want to discount.

Any thoughts about how to approach with her? Or books that might help her?

[Anonymous]

What did she say?

[Anonymous]

We have to know what she did to be able to judge.

[Anonymous]

My son is like that. He doesn't WANT to be rude, so I'm very clear: I know you weren't trying to be rude, but (for example) when you're talking to someone you shouldn't suddenly say goodbye and walk away before they have a chance to react, because many people feel that is rude. It's a slow learning process. Some kids read naturally and others need detailed instruction and a lot more practice. Social skills are similar.

[Anonymous]

Yes, she is very likely honestly not understanding that by societal norms, she is being impolite. She feels she’s doing ok and when someone says she isn’t, it hurts. And she doesn’t know what to do about it. It’s not fun for her.

I have no idea if she’s on the spectrum; no one here does. But you are right, OP, to ask for recommendations on how to help her.

[Anonymous]

To your specific example: sometimes what we see as rudely pushing back autistic people intend to be asking clarifying questions. What we think were very clear and explicit instructions that don't need clarification were, in fact, unclear, even if they aren't asking for help in the most polite way.

[Anonymous]

My kid is not autistic and yet needs to be clearly told what is and isn’t rude. This is just part of raising a child.

Don’t yell at her when she’s rude. Just tell her “that was rude. I felt bad when you closed the door in my face/ignored me/were curt/ etc”.

In other words, first hit’s free - first time earns an explanation. Second time earns verbal discipline.

In fairness, I think sometimes he suspects on some level that he’s being rude.. but to me the important part is to not a) let it pass and b) have it happen again.

[Anonymous]

Whether or not she's autistic doesn't really matter. You have to guide and teach her and explain how her words and actions can be interpreted to be rude, despite her intentions.

[Anonymous]

It could be autism sometimes its adhd. You can look for social stories, the PEERs program might be a good fit if they can put her with other high functioning kids but she would need a diagnosis first.
Most of all, thank you for recognizing her frustration and trying to help. That's so key in helping autistic kids. Most people would just write it off as smart- ass or talking back

[Anonymous]

I have an 2e autistic 10 year old and a 2e 12 year old.

We always approach rudeness like this. Was it intentional or unintentional? Almost always, it is unintentional. If so, we coach it. 9/10 they just don’t realize the issue.

“Sue, that was a rude thing to say. It isn’t appropriate to comment on someone’s physical appearance, except to give a nice complement. For example, I like your new hair cut. I know you meant well, but next time….”

If they are clearly trying to be rude—think fighting with a sibling—then we discpline it.

[Anonymous]

Even if she had ASD she’s capable of learning what’s rude, get some resources to help her learn this.

[Anonymous]

My middle child does this, and absolutely does not have ASD (has ADHD and anxiety but very large social network).

You just need to coach them. I was venting about something similar (I certainly didn’t need any coaching when I was a kid nor did my siblings ) to an older coworker, she she told me that when she was raising her daughters and they would say that, she would tell them - “it’s my job as your parent to teach you what is rude.” That was really helpful in understanding my kids and not getting offended/upset. Now I explain the first time, and then after that there are consequences.

[Anonymous]

This seems like a relatively simple intervention. How nice that your child pointed out this area of weakness.

My kid's therapist recommended watching Young Sheldon and pointing out when the character's behavior was "unexpected." (We don't use phrases like "good" or "bad").

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an 2e autistic 10 year old and a 2e 12 year old.

We always approach rudeness like this. Was it intentional or unintentional? Almost always, it is unintentional. If so, we coach it. 9/10 they just don’t realize the issue.

“Sue, that was a rude thing to say. It isn’t appropriate to comment on someone’s physical appearance, except to give a nice complement. For example, I like your new hair cut. I know you meant well, but next time….”

If they are clearly trying to be rude—think fighting with a sibling—then we discpline it.

great approach, thank you (DP). My 2E 11 year old is very mich like this.

[Anonymous]

You have to be very clear and teach without judgements. Telling her specificly what was rude, why, and a better alternative. My adhd kid is like this. I feel like im always picking at him, but try to do it in a caring way as much as possible.