One-sided exclusivity
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Anonymous
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Inspired by the topic "how many dates to commit". I wonder if it's just my experience, but men on OLD seem to be sleeping around themselves, but hate it when the woman is doing the same. I am pretty, like sex and have no issues sleeping with 2 men at the same time, while I decide. But it happened several times that when men asked if I was seeing others and I confirmed, they evaporated very quickly. For example, I started dating a guy and told him that my preference would be monogamy from the start. He was not ready for exclusivity, so I went ahead and continued seeing others, and found one more lover a few weeks after. Once the guy #1 realized I was seeing someone else, he seemed pretty confused, unhappy and became suspicious of where I was some evenings. I just told him it's my private life and I felt free to see others if he was sleeping with others. The relationship with #1 eventually fizzled, because we never developed the needed trust to continue, and I stayed and still see the guy #2.
How do other women approach exclusivity? In my view, open relationships should be open both ways. But men don't like when others f...k their women, even if he has a stable of chicks, he wants all of them only sleep with him. Ladies -do you hide/lie about your other lovers? |
Anonymous
| Men are so fragile, most of them. If they could handle the truth, you could be honest. They had integrity themselves, you could be honest. But you can’t, because obviously they want to pretend you’re a virgin while they go whoring around. |
Anonymous
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That’s been my experience. I dated a man recently I was head over heels for, but he said he wasn’t ready for anything serious. I took him at his word, started dating other men, and he tried to be cool about it before eventually sending me a stream of angry texts and blocking me on all social media.
But, I don’t lie or hide anything. I believe lies of omission are awful, men I dated have often left out that they had a girlfriend or multiple partners, then justified it with “you didn’t ask!” Well, duh, if we’re dating, I shouldn’t have to ask if you have a girlfriend. While I’m not poly, I do have friends who are and communication is the number one thing. I think that applies here too - it’s okay as long as everyone is honest, open, and communicating about what they’re doing. |
Anonymous
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So what do I do? Just pretend I'm exclusive with him? Tell I don't sleep with another guy and it's just a platonic friend who doesn't men much? I lost several men that way.
I dated one actual poly man, and my experience was in fact much better than all these OLD guys. He was very open about his partners, into safety, didn't sleep around or rushed sex, was always checking in and maintained emotional closeness and passion really well. Being poly is totally different from OLD whoring aroud |
Anonymous
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Totally agree with you on the double standard. I am also happy to continue dating other people until we agree explicitly to exclusivity. I’m no expert but I think the trick is to be a little more coy. Like with the guy who said he wasnt ready for exclusivity and then asked if you were seeing other people, I would just say ‘we agreed we are not exclusive, so it’s not really your business where I was last night. Should we revisit that conversation? because I would like to be exclusive with you.’.
more generally, if I’m not exclusive with someone, I treat them like a friend I see when it works. I dont tell them everything about my day/week, and I treat them like they have a right to that information. I keep them slightly at a distance, I guess - if they want to get closer, they need to commit to exclusivity. |
Anonymous
| like they DONT have a right to that information… |
Anonymous
Are you sexually non exclusive or just go out with other men ? Because to me, it’s hard to be sexually very attracted if I think of a man as if he’s just a friend |
Anonymous
If you are having sex outside of marriage then you are whoring around. Doesn’t matter if it’s with one person or more than one. Sex outside marriage is a huge sin |
Anonymous
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I find it so (so) rare to find a man that I’m dying to sleep with that I don’t keep looking once I find one.
As a very fit, pretty woman who is aging well and financially set who isn’t looking for a husband- I take lovers and take them fully meaning I stop looking when I find one I want to spend time with. So I haven’t experienced the double standard as the men I’ve dated have wanted to be wxclusive and so have I. We test and ditch condoms. |
Anonymous
I’ve met at least 5 men I wanted to sleep with in mere 6 months. Slept with 4. It depends on the dating pool size and where you live. In large cities like NYC there are hundreds of attractive singles available to date every new day In DC it’s a desert for eligible singles And testing doesn’t protect you from many deceases |
Anonymous
I’m sexually non-exclusive. It’s rare that I’m actually sleeping with 2 men, but I’m OK with sleeping with someone I like and am attracted to but not exclusive with. And then I keep dating and maybe I’ll find someone better. But more importantly for the OP, I dont treat #1 like a boyfriend. I dont respond to texts 24/7 or let him know where i am all the time - like I might just say ‘out with a friend.’. If he acts like he deserves more info, I would point out that we are not exclusive. I haven’t ever had to really do that, though - I think keeping them a little at arms length sends a clear signal - if they want to lock me down, they have to agree to same. |
Anonymous
| I have not have been with DH for a decade, his choice. So it's one-sided exclusivity. As for my dalliances I am very disvreet and it's DADT. |
Anonymous
Good for you. I experienced that men continued seeing others even AFTER asking for exclusivity. They would just do it to ditch condoms and get their d..k wet. I therefore ask for condoms for at least first month AND for STD test |
Anonymous
More than Stds, you need to worry about consequences of hereafter |
Anonymous
Not really if we are talking about late 40s women. But UTIs, HPV, herpes, ureaplasma etc can be still transmitted months after. Ditching condoms for someone you just met is very risky for women health |