When marriage includes being a step-parent

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a super toxic home, and often feel like I have no reference point for what's "normal" or healthy. I'm remarried after my first husband died and have a 9 year old daughter. My husband loves my daughter and is very hands on with her. An area that causes me concern, however is that when he gets mad at me in an argument he yells. I hate to have my daughter around this. Our home was very quiet and peaceful when it was just the two of us, and my first husband never yelled, so she has no early memories of such. How bad is yelling? I have talked with my husband about this and it still happens. He grew up with a lot of yelling, and thinks its less of a deal than I do.

[Anonymous]

My dad yelled all the time. Not ideal, but I adored him anyway. We all have our picadillos. But, that said, the best way to deal with that kind of temperament or habit is to NOT respond in kind. Calm voice. Insistence that you’ll address the issue later when everyone is calm.

[Anonymous]

The yelling is an issue.
Your husband should be able to use his words and express himself without yelling.

He needs to seek therapy for that ASAP

If not you’re raising your child in a hostile environment. Not fair. Especially since you came from a family as such.

[Anonymous]

Do the two of you yell towards resolution? I mean, Italian Americans yell at each other to communicate - I saw it all the time growing up in Brooklyn. They weren't really angry, just passionate and it was their form of communication.

If you're yelling and your daughter is seeing the two of you resolve issues, then no big deal. If he's yelling "you're stupid" or "you never do anything right" or worse, then he needs to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the two of you yell towards resolution? I mean, Italian Americans yell at each other to communicate - I saw it all the time growing up in Brooklyn. They weren't really angry, just passionate and it was their form of communication.

If you're yelling and your daughter is seeing the two of you resolve issues, then no big deal. If he's yelling "you're stupid" or "you never do anything right" or worse, then he needs to change.

OP here. My husband definitely yells when angry/irritated. We resolve issues a lot more quickly than my first marriage. We’ve never gone more than a day without resolution, and often resolve within an hour. In part because I hate arguing and any yelling.

[Anonymous]

Did he not yell while you two were engaged / dating?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know. I guess it depends on what he is saying while yelling.

My dad would yell insults. Very hurtful. Sometimes he was violent while yelling. Neither of those is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the two of you yell towards resolution? I mean, Italian Americans yell at each other to communicate - I saw it all the time growing up in Brooklyn. They weren't really angry, just passionate and it was their form of communication.

If you're yelling and your daughter is seeing the two of you resolve issues, then no big deal. If he's yelling "you're stupid" or "you never do anything right" or worse, then he needs to change.

While this is generally true, children pick up on feelings too. In households were both parents yell at each other and they are not concerned with the yelling from the other spouse, it's fine. But OP seems to be uncomfortable and her daughter will pick up on it and see it as abusive.

OP's DH needs to stop hearing. He is not in the kind of household where yelling is part of the culture.

[Anonymous]

You have to get this dynamic straightened out or go ahead and get divorced. In some cases, kids can be resilient to yelling — I think these are fairly limited cases, but it can happen. But this scenario is a million times worse because this is a stepparent.

Here is the more likely scenario — You are in for a nightmare as your daughter hits her tweens/teens and she naturally rebels in some ways. When she sees this yelling, she is going to be even more angry because this isn’t her actual dad. Her dad will be remembered as a saint, and she will look at you as either a victim of your husband or as the perpetrator who brought this terrible person into your lives. And if he starts yelling at her because she isn’t so “cute” anymore, it will be even more terrible.

I would be telling him that he either goes to anger management or you separate with the intent to divorce. Even if there wasn’t a kid in the mix, I wouldn’t live my life with anyone who kept yelling at me all the time.

[Anonymous]

It’s all about context. I yell sometimes, but I also shower my kids with love, am very attentive, fun, ask lots of questions and we all have good relationships. You can also have an environment where everyone is always tense and anxious lest they upset the abuser - that is not the dynamic in our home. I know the yelling isn’t great but my kids feel safe with me, are open, can (and do) disagree and we have an overall happy home. That said, I really dislike yelling and apologize afterward, and yell less now than I used to. I know it doesn’t help anything.

However, if it’s something that you really dislike or find upsetting, it’s something you should talk with your husband about. Families evolve and bad behaviors can be phased out if the will and awareness are there.

[Anonymous]

The content matters a lot more than the volume. But if you or your daughter finds the volume scary or hurtful, he should at least try to modulate it (but just don't paint him as some monster just because he raises his voice).

[Anonymous]

This is a huge issue, and it’s majorly concerning that pos are brushing it off.

You brought abuse and anger into your daughter’s life. Why, so you could get laid on the reg? You even say how peaceful your life was before. Too bad you couldn’t put her needs ahead of your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the two of you yell towards resolution? I mean, Italian Americans yell at each other to communicate - I saw it all the time growing up in Brooklyn. They weren't really angry, just passionate and it was their form of communication.

If you're yelling and your daughter is seeing the two of you resolve issues, then no big deal. If he's yelling "you're stupid" or "you never do anything right" or worse, then he needs to change.

OP here. My husband definitely yells when angry/irritated. We resolve issues a lot more quickly than my first marriage. We’ve never gone more than a day without resolution, and often resolve within an hour. In part because I hate arguing and any yelling.

So because you hate yelling you just acquiesce to whatever he wants, so he will stop. He’s manipulating you by yelling at you.

Have you gone to therapy? It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved trauma, both from childhood and your previous marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, unless he (and you) undergo serious therapy this isn't going to go away all on its own. it's very telling that you're looking for ways to work with this/normalize this behavior.

I'd give ending the marriage some serious thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a super toxic home, and often feel like I have no reference point for what's "normal" or healthy. I'm remarried after my first husband died and have a 9 year old daughter. My husband loves my daughter and is very hands on with her. An area that causes me concern, however is that when he gets mad at me in an argument he yells. I hate to have my daughter around this. Our home was very quiet and peaceful when it was just the two of us, and my first husband never yelled, so she has no early memories of such. How bad is yelling? I have talked with my husband about this and it still happens. He grew up with a lot of yelling, and thinks its less of a deal than I do.

So you’ve told him this bothers you, and he does what? Continues to yell at you and your child? wtf?