More overlap on mom friendships and kid friendships

[Anonymous]

I'm concerned about my elementary school-aged kids making friends beyond each other. As a mom, I've tried setting up meetups and connecting with other moms in the neighborhood, but it hasn't led to consistent friendships. It has led to fun playdates, and maybe a few get-togethers. Younger kid does have a couple of friends who are sticking for now. Oldest doesn’t. As the school years end, it’s like me + the moms sense they won’t be in each others’ class, and we let go.

My rising 5th grader is feeling lonely this summer (except little bro and cousins), and it got me thinking about how I can be more intentional about building connections with other parents when school starts in a month. The friends I thought he had (my friends’ kids)… are not his friends. Not in a bad way, but he didn’t list them out when it came to birthday party invites.

I'd like to be more inviting and friendly to potentially create overlap between our kids' friendships and our own friendships as moms. For *me* to make new, additional friends this school year.

For now, I think it is on me. And if we don’t click, we dont, but I want to do my part to make things click. Advice?

I have one more older child who has managed her own social life since middle school, I know we’ll get there. But in 5th grade, for him, it’s my last-ish chance to help my kid out.

My mom is friendly and kind, but I take after her. She is not connective nor long-term friends with people. It’s sad, and there’s something I want to change about me to be a better friend, a more “connective” person. I want to leave people better off than I found them. It takes an immense energy that I don’t have on top of eveything I carry now. But what can I do to change this? Anxiety meds? Lol.

[Anonymous]

IME friendships among 5th graders have nothing to do with the moms. Especially for boys.

[Anonymous]

You missed the boat. By 5th grade kids are making their own friends. You're just the driver and provider of snacks.

[Anonymous]

Plan something. Going to the zoo. Something. That's your role. A plan and having an expectation that your kid invite a friend. They start calling.

[Anonymous]

Well according to DCUM you have to host BBQs, brunches and have people over to your pool to make friends for you and your kids. What do you mean you don't have a pool? Let's hope your husband is a bro too because if he seems weird you can forget about anyone in your family ever making a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well according to DCUM you have to host BBQs, brunches and have people over to your pool to make friends for you and your kids. What do you mean you don't have a pool? Let's hope your husband is a bro too because if he seems weird you can forget about anyone in your family ever making a friend.

You sound poor and divorced.

[Anonymous]

What about for a kid who is a nerd and a family who values physical activity (in sports, out of sports). The kid plays sports too, but less than mom and dad.

What if I’m just seeking nerd friends for my kid, but who won’t fully give up to video games as a lifestyle? If this is you, op, wish we could be friends. But maybe I’m too specific.

Seems like sports = friends, and everyone else is on their own.
-NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about for a kid who is a nerd and a family who values physical activity (in sports, out of sports). The kid plays sports too, but less than mom and dad.

What if I’m just seeking nerd friends for my kid, but who won’t fully give up to video games as a lifestyle? If this is you, op, wish we could be friends. But maybe I’m too specific.

Seems like sports = friends, and everyone else is on their own.
-NP

Lean into his nerdiness. Have friends over to play Dungeons & Dragons.

[Anonymous]

I want to leave people better off than I found them.

This sounds too intense, too self-important

[Anonymous]

I am not proactive about things but my younger daughter has a friend whose mom is VERY proactive. She sets up playdates for her kids every weekend, sometimes twice a weekend. She invites friends to join her children for activities when her family is going (e.g. we're going to mini golf, does Sarah want to come?). Therefore her daughter has a TON of friends.

I'm not as good about this, so my kids have a smaller group of friends and the only one that has had playdates this summer has had them with the friend whose mom I just described. I wish I could be more like her!

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this is for you to worry about, your kid needs to make friends himself. You can set up outings or times to hang out but he should be asking his friends to come. One of my kids just finished 5th grade and I have kids in their teens. By about 3rd grade all my kids were making their own plans and handing out my phone number and vice versa. I talk to their parents after to make sure it’s ok but haven’t become friends with any of their parents. Most of my kids friends come from school. They are friendly with teammates from sports but they are not their friends that they’d want to invite over. My rising 2nd grader is the only one I talk to parents about play dates anymore and that is still kid led with the kids asking the parents and then we reach out. My kids also aren’t friends with any of my friends kids.

[Anonymous]

NP and my DD is a rising 5th grader and these past couple of weeks have been sort of surprising as I realize how much friendships shifted this school year, especially this spring. Her bff spends the summer in another state at a family house and she was the link who held my DD close to a few other girls. Some other girls are switching schools, moving, or focusing on new activities or family trips. My DD feels untethered but doesn't have the vocabulary to tell me that explicitly.

I think that a lot of kids are relying on sports for friendships, especially boys. I saw a big fracture in our grade's boy friendships this year that started with Little League tryouts and got really messy by the time school was out. My own DD just switched teams for her sport and we didn't realize how much she realized on the convenience of teammates for socializing until she wasn't seeing them daily.

If you don't see any major red flags, consider it a rebuilding year and know you're not the only one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about for a kid who is a nerd and a family who values physical activity (in sports, out of sports). The kid plays sports too, but less than mom and dad.

What if I’m just seeking nerd friends for my kid, but who won’t fully give up to video games as a lifestyle? If this is you, op, wish we could be friends. But maybe I’m too specific.

Seems like sports = friends, and everyone else is on their own.
-NP

This is not true at all. Neither of my children play sports, yet they have friends. If you are trying to make parent friends, then sports is a convenient way to do that. I'm not trying to make parent friends, I just want my kids to have friends.

[Anonymous]

Your goal makes no sense OP. You should have your friendships and let your kid have their own friendships. Clearly they have some friends of their own, since they had a bday party. It just so happens that their friends are away or busy for the summer. It’s good that they still have sibs and cousins to hang out with, so lean into that.

[Anonymous]

5th grade is a little late to try engineer DCs' friendships, but I would encourage you to try to make some connections of your own. I did this through volunteering and surprised myself by finding some lifelong friends along the way. Those friendships aren't anchored by my DCs' relationships with their DCs, and that's not a bad thing.