Suggestions for first-gen kids to integrate well

[catacttag]

Asking as an immigrant Asian parent- what should we do so our children feel at home here? I have two kids under age 7 and they attend public schools. Sometimes, we initiate play dates with non-Asian kids and we are part of the community swim team. I ask this because as parents we naturally gravitate towards other Asians as we have a lot more in common and the conversations are more spontaneous. Children don't seem to have an issue mingling well with everyone. But we don't want our self-segregating behavior to rub off on them. Please let me know how you helped your kids or if you are first-gen yourself, please share what you did to blend well.

[Anonymous]

Please keep talking to them in your primary language. Being bilingual is such a gift.

[Anonymous]

Americans don’t care about race, if you make out about race they’ll exclude you because you act weird towards them. Treat everyone the same and respect them equally until they give you a reason not to. Also don’t judge people by what car they drive, how they talk, how they dress, etc. A millionaire might drive a 20 year old car and dress like a bum and a financially struggling couple might live in a mansion and drive a Ferrari. If you try judging your interactions before they even happen just by how Asian someone looks or does not look then you won’t get far. If someone doesn’t have Asian friends that doesn’t mean they’re racist towards Asians they just don’t have Asian friends. Find common ground and go from there, they don’t really care that you’re first gen Asian, but you can talk about kids or activities first. Over time you can tell them about cultural things and vice versa but that’s not really a conversation starter. I’m generalizing of course, some people may be interested. In general you can ask things like hey I’m new to the area do you have any favorite restaurants? We started swimming this year what activities does your kid do? If you go in with we’re first gen from Asia, it’s an instant division because most people in the us never need to travel outside the us. Also for the kids don’t be afraid to Americanize their lunches, even if it’s just 1 thing per day. Kids in elementary school here are big on lunch, send your kid with kimchi and seaweed everyday just makes them stand out. You can agree or disagree with this but it’ll happen. Kids that have super healthy American foods get made fun of too. Try to embrace the culture here, don’t make huge comparisons, speak good English, and don’t judge others.

[Anonymous]

Public school and the local swim team will be enough.

Good job!

[Anonymous]

There is a stereotype that (non-mixed) Asian families don't do playdates, so I think the best thing to do is initiate this sort of social interaction rather than waiting for invitations, because people might assume the same is true for your family.

Be aware of what is a cultural norm even if it seems intuitive to you (taking off shoes). Don't assume your kids' friends are rude for not knowing those norms, even if they seem like something a toddler would know in your family.

At the same time, feel free to share your kids' culture with other families. If their school has a culture night, feel free to bring in food or share a tradition.

[Anonymous]

catacttag wrote:Asking as an immigrant Asian parent- what should we do so our children feel at home here? I have two kids under age 7 and they attend public schools. Sometimes, we initiate play dates with non-Asian kids and we are part of the community swim team. I ask this because as parents we naturally gravitate towards other Asians as we have a lot more in common and the conversations are more spontaneous. Children don't seem to have an issue mingling well with everyone. But we don't want our self-segregating behavior to rub off on them. Please let me know how you helped your kids or if you are first-gen yourself, please share what you did to blend well.

Follow the example your children have set. They don’t have issues mingling with everyone because they are neither judging them nor themselves. Everyone is a person even if they look different and have grown up with different experiences. If you keep an open mind and are kind, you will have no issues blending in.

[Anonymous]

Allow them the same activities as their friends have. Don't be so strict that they're excluded from sleepovers or sleepaway camp.

Be really really careful about seeming racist, even inadvertently. My step brother is 1st gen and his mother caused a lot of problems for him by not concealing her racism. To her it was only common sense, and I had to have several talks with her to get her to understand that her son was actually losing face massively due to her behavior.

[catacttag]

Thanks to all of you for good suggestions, it seems we are on the right track. Having children in public school and doing swim team has given us something in common to connect with other parents, previously it was mostly just hello and weather talk. We will keep building on from here.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're doing all the right things (and very similar to what my own immigrant parents did, including swim team), and I like to think I turned out great and well assimilated!

[Anonymous]

DH and I are the children of Asian immigrants. We grew up in predominantly white neighborhoods where there were very few Asians. We are well assimilated.

Our Asian American children have a mix of friends.

DH and I have friends from all different backgrounds, but our closest friends are Asian American. We don’t necessarily click with the Asians from Asia. I think it is natural to gravitate and get along with people who are like yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a stereotype that (non-mixed) Asian families don't do playdates, so I think the best thing to do is initiate this sort of social interaction rather than waiting for invitations, because people might assume the same is true for your family.

Be aware of what is a cultural norm even if it seems intuitive to you (taking off shoes). Don't assume your kids' friends are rude for not knowing those norms, even if they seem like something a toddler would know in your family.

At the same time, feel free to share your kids' culture with other families. If their school has a culture night, feel free to bring in food or share a tradition.

I agree with the above poster.

I was a white kid growing up in a 90%+ white "engineering suburb" in PA in the 1980s. My best friend was a Korean American who had relocated from California for 8th grade. And I had another friend who was Japanese and one who was German. All of these kids were passing through for just a couple years. (Their dads were on expat assignments.)

I was so excited to be their friend. My mom raised me to be interested in other people and other countries. I had my first seaweed sheet at my Japanese friend's house and I liked it. By the time I had my own kid, all the grocery stores near me had seaweed snacks for sale. It's not even a specialty thing. I also learned from the Asian families about taking shoes off when you get home...and now I do that too.

What I remember most is that these friends' parents were interested in talking to me and my parents during our brief opportunities to connect. They did do driving to kid stuff where we carpooled. And occasionally if I was over, they would let me try some of their homemade food as a snack. And they were pretty open about it being okay whether I liked it or didn't like it.

I have great memories. I lost touch with two of the kids but my Korean-American friend and I stayed in touch when her family moved back to California. I have visited her a couple times over the years. Her dad at one point had an employer in common with my dad, so he made some small talk about that with me and my dad.

I think you should follow your kids' lead and see who they befriend and go from there. You might be able to host a simple birthday party (mini-golf or laser tag) if you want to have a playdate type experience outside your house.

[Anonymous]

catacttag wrote:Asking as an immigrant Asian parent- what should we do so our children feel at home here? I have two kids under age 7 and they attend public schools. Sometimes, we initiate play dates with non-Asian kids and we are part of the community swim team. I ask this because as parents we naturally gravitate towards other Asians as we have a lot more in common and the conversations are more spontaneous. Children don't seem to have an issue mingling well with everyone. But we don't want our self-segregating behavior to rub off on them. Please let me know how you helped your kids or if you are first-gen yourself, please share what you did to blend well.

My parents, first of all, didn't refer to us as different. So maybe stop thinking of them as "asian" or calling them that.

Second of all "cultural immersion". We started growing up speaking parent's native tongue, but quickly had that nipped in the bud and told to only speak English so we wouldn't have an obvious accent.

It worked, many people are always surprised when they find out I am a child of immigrants.

[Anonymous]

Do you speak English as well as you write? If so, you're fine. If not, you'll have to work extra hard to communicate with people, and write to them, and encourage your kids to talk to adults you know.

[Anonymous]

Know that if you are verbally, physically, and/or academically harsh with your kids, other parents will stay away from you. They will label you Tiger Mom and not want to be around you. Americans think emotional wellbeing is important for kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would not categorize you hanging out more with other Asians as self segregating. That is just called wanting to hang out with people you have more in common with. Children do this too, they don't get along with everyone equally, but those who are similar. It's just that the lines are usually not drawn along racial/cultural lines for children yet.

But one day your children, who have been raised with your Asian culture, will probably also gravitate towards other Asians. That is fine too. I grew up 1.5 gen Asian and there the message of blending in/assimilating was very much a strong force growing up. But I can tell you among my Asian American friends, they mostly still are closest to other Asian Americans.