My gf screens all emails from my ex (divorced)

[Anonymous]

I didn’t want to completely block my ex because we share grown children, but so many of her missives are boundary-crossing or just nasty and unnecessary and unhelpful. So now for months everything goes to a new email address that I don’t access, and my gf reads them before sharing them with me if there is something important or helpful. I provide responses when needed.

It’s a big relief, and also reassures my gf that I’m not carrying on with my ex behind her back, but I feel a little guilty about this arrangement.

Is there a better way to handle this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t want to completely block my ex because we share grown children, but so many of her missives are boundary-crossing or just nasty and unnecessary and unhelpful. So now for months everything goes to a new email address that I don’t access, and my gf reads them before sharing them with me if there is something important or helpful. I provide responses when needed.

It’s a big relief, and also reassures my gf that I’m not carrying on with my ex behind her back, but I feel a little guilty about this arrangement.

Is there a better way to handle this?[/quote]
You have boundary issues. The best way to handle things is by acting like an adult, handle your own interactions and date a woman who also acts like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Zero reason to "feel guilty about this arrangement."

It works for you, it's fine.

Personally I'd go NC if my children were grown and I were getting "nasty and unnecessary" emails from an ex. But you seem to have worked this out. I say stick with it.

[Anonymous]

If your ex's correspondence is genuinely nasty and boundary-crossing, then this seems like an OK arrangement as long as it works for your GF, since she is taking on the labor of reading the e-mails and absorbing the nastiness.

I agree that people generally have a right to know if a third party is reading their correspondence, which goes back to making sure these emails are genuinely inappropriate. If they are, then worrying about her right to privacy is probably unnecessary. If you want to clear your conscience, then maybe I'd reply to a really inappropriate one with a short message that you are going to be screening her emails from then on. Let her guess what "screening" means.

[Anonymous]

GF isn't exactly a neutral party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:GF isn't exactly a neutral party.

Yeah, but how is OP going to find a neutral party who wants to take on this task? We're going for the least bad option here.

[Anonymous]

I would think that if your kids are adults you can just send your ex's emails to a fully unmonitored account and keep in touch with your kids on your own. If something serious happens your kids can tell you.

I think it's not great that you're 1) tasking your girlfriend with this, which makes the relationships between you and ex and she and ex and you and her more enmeshed and tangled than they need to be, and 2) saying this gives your gf peace of mind about you not stepping out on her - why does she need that?

[Anonymous]

This whole thing sounds ridiculous. Block your ex if her messages are triggering; you have adult children why do you need to communicate? And get a new gf that doesent need reassuring that your not messing with your ex.

[Anonymous]

I think it would work better if you had an executive assistant do your dirty work instead of your girlfriend. I also use AI to respond to emails from a difficult person in my life. It has helped quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

So your girlfriend’s your secretary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think that if your kids are adults you can just send your ex's emails to a fully unmonitored account and keep in touch with your kids on your own. If something serious happens your kids can tell you.

I think it's not great that you're 1) tasking your girlfriend with this, which makes the relationships between you and ex and she and ex and you and her more enmeshed and tangled than they need to be, and 2) saying this gives your gf peace of mind about you not stepping out on her - why does she need that?

+1. A lot of good points here.

Are your children in college or graduated and/or have jobs? What exactly is the content of the emails that your ex is sending you? If your children are college age then I think you ignoring the emails depends on what the content is. If they are out of college or working and supporting themselves then yes, I would ignore her emails.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are my ex. I’ve never sent inappropriate messages, though.
We always got along. His gf won’t let him read messages or talk on phone with me or his own children. Or see any of us.
It’s spelled the end of his relationship with his kids, but I guess that’s her aim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:GF isn't exactly a neutral party.

Yeah, but how is OP going to find a neutral party who wants to take on this task? We're going for the least bad option here.

I'd be happy to do it. The entertainment value would be priceless.

[Anonymous]

What are you and your ex still talking about?

[Anonymous]

Why can’t you just tell her that you don’t want to continue any relationship with her now that the kids are older and please only contact you if there’s an emergency that concerns your kids. That you won’t be reading or responding to any other messages.