can't move on with life.

[Anonymous]

Repeated failures are only making me distance myself from my friends and family, blame my husband and hate all pregnant women I see that joyfully recount how easy it all was. I literally feel like I can't move on with my life until this works....and it seems that it never will. how do people cope?

[Anonymous]

I've posted this before, but this article spoke to me when I was where you are: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/06/fashion/06love.html

This paragraph spoke to me in particular: "Conventional wisdom tells us that hope is a good thing. Hope is what gets us through difficulty. But over these years I’ve come to realize that hope is sometimes slow torture. When hope keeps you anxious and bitter and stuck in some fantasy of the perfect nuclear family, then maybe hope isn’t what you need anymore. Maybe the most hopeful action one could take would be to abandon hope altogether."

I had to come to a place of acceptance about the reality of my situation and accept that my DH and I already were a family. I found a lot of grace and happiness in that place. We did have later success with IVF (3rd try), but don't know if that will happen for us again.

[Anonymous]

I will be the first to admit I don't understand those who keep up the TTC battle for 5+ years or longer. At some point, don't you ever stop to think - do I want a baby or do I want to be pregnant? Pregnancy lasts such a short time and while I am sure its a beautiful experience for some its not the end all be all of the world. In the long run, if you really do want a family, then plan to have one - egg donor/sperm donor, donor embryo, surrogacy, adoption - all are viable alternatives. I have never known anyone who choose any of those methods to say they regretted their child.

[Anonymous]

I find that I have to take breaks sometimes from the TTC boards, from friends w/ kids, reading choices, etc. In those periods, I let myself eat/drink whatever I want, do things I couldn't if I had a kid/were pregnant, and use the time to think about other parts of my life (career, updating my house, my garden, etc). This time allows me to see that I have a life and I can be a satisfied person w/o giving birth and that I may have other avenues to parenthood should I choose to pursue them. Hope that helps...the key is to find strategies that work for you. for me, work, garden, cooking, jigsaw puzzles.

[Anonymous]

I am currently struggling with this. After the last failed attempt and days of depression I realized, this cannot go on. And so I am working on acceptance. Accepting that I do not have control over this and trying to find a way to find joy in other areas of my life. This is really really hard.

[Anonymous]

To 12:53, I totally get your intentions here but I think it's really, really hard to say what is right for others (not that you were trying to do this). I happen to feel the same way, but at the same time I also know that there are those who would say the same thing about adopting after you've been trying for 6 months... or not doing IUI... or IVF... so it's hard to say where you draw the line.

Good luck OP. I've been there too; you will get through it eventually...

[Anonymous]

Original poster, please know that we support you. Best of luck on your journey with this.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I've been there. I tried talking to a psychologist about it, but to be honest, it didn't really help much. I hope that you find a way to make peace with where you are, and that you have success soon.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I hope you'll check out other boards like American Fertility Association or INCIID. Also, have you tried to get into a support group? I found that so helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP, can't speak from personal experience but do have a few friends who have struggled with 4+ years of infertility. sending you loads of hugs, best wishes and healing vibes. it is completely normal to feel the way that you do, and to be honest, i haven't yet come across a shred of anything that has helped anyone in your shoes feel one bit better. as one of the PPs said, acceptance of the situation has to come from within, and it is a hard, hard road to get there, and even when you do, a lot of bitter (and deserved) tears are shed.

If you're not ready to throw in the towel, I agree with another PP that sometimes it's good to really, REALLY take a step back. stay off the TTC websites, put down the thermometer, throw away the OPKs, cancel your doctor's appointments, don't schedule sex or buy any more HPTs. drink caipirinhas and give yourself a big fancy present, like a trip that you've always wanted to take, that will take some planning and take your mind off. once you're ready to look at a pregnant woman without wanting to punch her face in, give it 3 months after that, and then you may be emotionally ready to try again.

hugs. it will get better, one way or the other.

[Anonymous]

I believe bodies are not easily fooled - they know when you are obsessed and anxious. As a result, that delicate reproductive mechanism refuses to work. So in order to hope for a child, you have to give up hope and let your body decide. Which I think is a bit like zen meditation - losing oneself to find oneself.
Easier said than done, especially for the modern educated woman who has been taught that drive and willpower are everything.

Many hugs, OP.

[Anonymous]

More hugs to you, OP. It's so, so difficult. One thing to consider is accupuncture, especially if your insurance will cover it. (Call the coverage line to ask.) I found it very, very helpful. I was at a point where I didn't want to talk about it any more (with friends or with a therapist), and it was nice to go straight to my body for a very physical (as opposed to mental/emotional) way to relax. Once a week was great for me, but some people aim for twice a week if they have coverage and/or can afford it.

All the best to you. We all support you here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe bodies are not easily fooled - they know when you are obsessed and anxious. As a result, that delicate reproductive mechanism refuses to work. So in order to hope for a child, you have to give up hope and let your body decide. Which I think is a bit like zen meditation - losing oneself to find oneself.
Easier said than done, especially for the modern educated woman who has been taught that drive and willpower are everything.

Many hugs, OP.

I always hated when people said this to me. You're already stressed. But wait, it's your fault you can't get pregnant because you're so stressed! So stop it already! Not helpful.

And for what it's worth, after struggling with unexplained infertility, I got pregnant during one of the most stressful periods of my life. My husband had just lost his job and about a month later...pregnant. So who knows.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry to hear all that you are going through. Hopefully my stories will inspire you, or at least let you know that you are not alone. My mother tried to conceive for 8 years and was on Chlomid for 6 years. The doctor finally told her he didn't think she was able to conceive. So she went off of Chlomid and stop trying. She then got pregnant a few months later (She was 34)! She had 3 kids, I am the youngest @35 years of age.

When I started trying, I knew I would have problems. We tried for a while and had 1 failed attempt. I too found it very hard to hear about all my friends getting pregnant. I then went straight to the acupuncturist and was able to hold onto this pregnancy (I'm 6 months along now). I believe in my heart that sometimes are bodies aren't meant to have children until later in life. In my and my mother's case, our bodies weren't ready for pregnancy until our mid to late thirties.

I hope you find some outlet for all the stress and depression. Just know that you aren't alone and that we support you. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe bodies are not easily fooled - they know when you are obsessed and anxious. As a result, that delicate reproductive mechanism refuses to work. So in order to hope for a child, you have to give up hope and let your body decide. Which I think is a bit like zen meditation - losing oneself to find oneself.
Easier said than done, especially for the modern educated woman who has been taught that drive and willpower are everything.

Many hugs, OP.

I always hated when people said this to me. You're already stressed. But wait, it's your fault you can't get pregnant because you're so stressed! So stop it already! Not helpful.

And for what it's worth, after struggling with unexplained infertility, I got pregnant during one of the most stressful periods of my life. My husband had just lost his job and about a month later...pregnant. So who knows.

Good luck OP.

Ditto. Stuff like that is a RESOLVE 101 no-no.

I also got pregnant on an IVF cycle when cataclysmic things happened in my family. Give me a break...