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Celebrating milestones & uninvolved sibling
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Anonymous
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There are two milestones to celebrate this year with our parents. An 80th birthday and our parents' 50th anniversary. I have one brother. I posted about him before at Christmas; he and his wife were invited here, I never did get a response.
Since then he has taken stress leave from yet another job. This makes 3 times in 5 years. Everything is tough for him. Nobody understands how hard it is, etc. Even thinking about some events causes him a panic attack apparently. I've had my own issues. I have a disability, my first marriage was a bad one, I deal with depression and anxiety too. I'm always expected to just deal with it. Which I do. It's been a very long time since I've talked to him about any of it. It's just life. How do I approach him about planning for these two things? I don't want to leave him out of it if he would like to be involved. At the same time I need to be prepared for an Eeyore kind of response and bite my tongue. I'm thinking of just saying "hey, we need to do something for this, do you have any ideas?" He has shot me down so many times on various things that I'm hesitant to even bring it up. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like you need to process the fact that he is incapable of handling these things, and readjust your expectations. Let him know you are planning something and ask what role he would like to play in the events. Slot him into what he can commit to. Get some free or hired help to do the rest of the work. |
Anonymous
He doesn't have to be a martyr just because you choose to be. |
Anonymous
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+1 to all of the above.
Only plan what you can handle (financially, time spent, emotionally). Tell brother that you’d like to organize smth for the bday and the anniversary and invite him to share his thoughts. Send him an invite. Do not count on him contributing or attending. |
Anonymous
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OP, considering you have depression and anxiety, it seems like you could show your brother a little grace. As you know, there are different levels of anxiety/depression; it sounds like your brother is debilitating.
The fact that people expect you to deal with it, and you do, has nothing to do with your brother. Maybe deep inside, you wish you were more like him and could set healthy boundaries for yourself and stick to them. As far as approaching him, I'd go to him with my ideas and tell him what sort of things you'll need help with. As if he's interested in helping; if he says "no," that's ok. |
Anonymous
| Stop giving him a hard time. He may not be able to afford it. |
Anonymous
| You don't "need to". You want to, you feel obligated to, you think your parents will be sad or upset if you don't, okay. But you don't "need to". So stop telling him what is needed. |
Anonymous
| He’s made it clear he’s not interested. There’s no issue except you keep missing the message. |
Anonymous
I'm not expecting any more from him than he always has from me. Far less, actually. His usual response to me has been "you're tough, you can handle it." Whether I was dealing with a concussion or another injury from falling, a major upheaval due to family changes, or whatever else. He hasn't shown grace for years. I'm not going to add to whatever is going on with him. I'll plan whatever I can with dh, and if my brother wants to show up, he will. |
Anonymous
Oh for eff sakes, I haven't even said anything to him. Suggested we plan something and left it at that. Him not being able to afford it is a given, I never expect anything from him financially. |
Anonymous
| Do you really think your brother wants to be involved in the birthday or anniversary celebration? Maybe is only willing to show up to these events? A simple conversation should clarify. |
Anonymous
No, you wanted to say "we need to plan something". That's not a suggestion, that's an assertion that he has to do it. Stop telling him what to do. You can say "I am planning something. Would you like to plan it with me?" |
Anonymous
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I mean who are you dictate his attendance of milestone events? Comparing your issues to his is a mute point. Send the invite -- if he attends/responds great.. If not, you know why.. |
Anonymous
| Why does he have to do anything? If you want to do something you should. If he’s not interested, leave it alone. |
Anonymous
He doesn't have to do anything. As I said, I am going to work with dh to plan it, my brother can show up if he wants to. Yesterday, I felt like it would be rude to plan something without his input, even if his input is that he's not interested or can't handle it. According to some here I should just take the hint. Well, I have in a lot of instances but figured he might want to be involved in something for our parents. Maybe even suggesting it is too much though. I WANT to plan something for them, so will do that. |