Rocky Middle School Transition

[Anonymous]

DD is having a hard time adjusting to new middle school. Brother transferred to same school a few years ago and fit right in - loved it from the start. Teachers, curriculum, extras huge improvement from public MS - and she had a fantastic visit last spring. I know academically it is a good fit - but she's cried about her loneliness 2 times this week - nobody to eat with at lunch (or stuck with boys nobody else wants to sit with)- girls nice one minute and then off with their friends another. She's shy - but even still, complains that kids are immature, rude, whiny. She's probably pulling my strings a bit - but even so - I was not expecting this. She was loved and confident at her old school, and loves summer camp, her various sports teams.. Lots of friends, and has never had social problems. Any thoughts - especially from private parents with kids that have attended since pre-K about bringing new kids into the fold. I know how mean kids, especially girls, can be at this age - and I'm afraid getting involved could make things even worse. Thoughts? Thanks

[Anonymous]

Middle school was torture for my daughter. She was bullied at a very prominent school here in town. One girl spread a viscious rumor and she was successful in having everyone shun my daughter at her all-girl's school. Those were tough times for the entire family. HIgh school wasn't much better ... unfortunately she stayed at the school because she was afraid to switch.
Now, she loves college. She says everyone at her Ivy is much nicer than the elite girl's school here.

I would say in hindsight, I would have liked for my daughter to have more fun in her childhood. The private schools here on really tough academically and socially.

[Anonymous]

We have heard from a number of sources at several different privates here that it is normal for there to be a transitional phase of adjustment. All sources say to expect 6m to 1 year for a new child to fit in/be accepted by the other kids.

In the meantime, OP, offer support to your child and maybe facilitate friendships by offering to support get-togethers/sleepovers.

[Anonymous]

After having 3 DDs go through MS I feel for your DD. We’ve always told our girls to include the new girls but not all parents teach kindness. Unfortunately, the girls are only as nice as their parents and a lot of parents really aren’t that nice. I’d find out who the new girls are in her grade and have her reach out to them (sleepovers, shopping). I’d be concerned about her criticism of the girls and talk to her about that. Perhaps her attitude towards them is why she’s excluded but it’s probably just her response to being excluded.

[Anonymous]

Put your kid in Washington Latin Public Charter School or Deal. The kids are really, really nice-go on to great futures- and it's free.

[Anonymous]

Mom of a boy here. Very rough transition to MS. Didn't know anyone. First weeks, HATED IT. Then moved to hate it one day, like it the next. Then moved to love it one day, hate it the next. Finally, LOVED it -- every day. This took two months! He started high school there. Happiest I've seen him ever. His buddy went through a similar transiont the year before at a different school. So, it happens to boys, too. Hang in there! If it makes sense, let the school know?

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thanks for all of the great, honest feedback. MS can be a tough time in many ways - and the points about DD's own attitude were well stated. I'm better prepared to take on the roller coaster now - thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Did they assign her or you a buddy family? I've had 2 DD's make the transition to middle school from public and while one fit in more easily than the other, even the one with more difficulty was treated well and had kids to eat lunch with. When things got a little rocky I spoke with the grade dean and was able to get advice on kids that might be a good fit for me. Good luck - it's so hard to transition to a new school no matter if it's public or private.

[Anonymous]

Good question about school support - since we were already a 'family' (and not a new family) - there was not the same level of attention as when my son started (in terms of buddies, family phone call etc.). There were a few MS events over the summer, but we missed all of them due to hectic camp and travel schedules. Also, since the MS is a different campus, all of the old kids were technically new to the new set up- therefore, nobody was singled out for being new (no buddies per say, although adviser and Head of School very warm and lovely behind the scenes - phone calls and welcome packages prior to first day of school and that sort of thing.)

Since my first post I have spoken with a few families to get the scoop, and while not entirely unexpected, I thought I would share some perspective for families considering their MS search. Basically - if you are looking at a K-12, or even a K-8, with a MS entry, admissions will likely tell you that they want all sorts of kids - which they probably do in theory, but MS reality is that kids are pack creatures - and no matter how progressive and "intellectual" and well regarded the school, Alpha behavior is something to prepare your child for - because the bond that certain kids have, after so many years together, can be intimidating and cold without them even saying a word (or, even worse - unfriendly, exclusive behavior and comments to intentionally make kids uncomfortable and paranoid without saying mean things outright ). Now that I've asked around, the real story is coming out - and I have been told that some grades are less inclusive and friendly then others - and our grade has had problems for the last few years.

I understand the challenges of MS of course, but there was no discussion of ways to manage transition during the admissions process. Even worse (in my opinion) - all of the families- even friends with girls - spoke of the place like a nirvana, when in fact a number of kids have left that grade over the past few years due to bullying issues. I have a few friends with kids in this grade - but nobody said anything about the alpha girls - even knowing how sensitive DD is. One friend, finally told me what "hell" her daughter had a few years ago - with these same girls - for the first 1/2 of an earlier grade (when they transferred in as a new family). She is now well adjusted and has lovely friends, but still - what's the point of the cover up - I know the school is great, love the teachers, love many of the families - so acknowledging the obvious challenges would not have been a deal breaker, but something that would help us to prepare our child for the transition. Anyway - I dropped the ball - but thankfully it is early in the year. Above all, I'm disappointed about the lack of transparency - - ugh.

[jhuber]

Any independent school worth its salt will want to hear your concerns directly, and not let the situation fester. Strong middle school teachers and administrators can keep a "special radar" for the social mix in class and in between class, but only if they know what they're looking for. Sometimes students (and in my experience, more often girls) can seem very happy in the school environment, but then go home to share their concerns with their parents. Developing the partnership with the school should help, and certainly can't hurt.

That said, I wish you luck in the transition. There's a bit of alchemy mixed in with the art & science of middle school. I'm also not surprised to hear that one sibling's experiences are different than the other's. It's the "same drawer, different utensil" theory of children. I myself am the father of one fork, one spoon, and one set of salad tongs.

John

[Anonymous]

They won't change -- get out now before your daughter is hurt any more than she has been hurt already. Think about it -- pain is always a sign of trauma. If she is experiencing pain at school in September of her first year it is not a healthy environment for her.

Get out now before she and you are too vested in making it work. The more she tries to be accepted the more pleasure they will take in rejecting her.

You can't reason with unreasonable people.

She'll try harder and harder to be accepted and when it doesn't work you'll all begin to doubt yourselves, your dignity and ultimately your sanity.

Get out now before too much damage has been done. Get out now while you are all healthy. The price she’ll have to pay in order to be accepted is too great. The price of acceptance will be suffering through at least a year or two of isolation and humiliation. Or even worse your daughter may have to abandon her current values and own identity to become a mean girl herself.

The cost is too great.

[Anonymous]

15:33, you will probably hear that you've over-dramatized, and to give it 'till January...I'm with YOU! It took my DC a couple of years to recover from a terrible private school experience, add to that the financial burden...check out the local public!