Spin-off on custody outcomes

[Anonymous]

Was talking to a friend I haven’t had much contact with in a long time due to distance. We are both very nice, idealistic, sensitive types. We both married richer and less kind people who took advantage of us, and got divorced. Both of our partners have weaponized the divorce with abuse of the legal system (trivial and excessive filings, manipulations and lies). We are both parents. Our partners are not abusive to the kids and are responsible enough as parents.

My question is, based on our stories, we are opting for different custody arrangements. Assuming that both of our exes are willing to bankrupt us, we both wanted to settle. She took more time with the kids at the expense of having any house or financial security, she is really struggling now. I am doing the opposite, taking the weekend parent role even though it pains me, because I can’t fight the ex any longer, and I have a decent job and will be financially secure if this ends, and am trying to stipulate that kids get a say at high school age.

I struggle a lot about whether I’m making the right decision. My friend says hell hath no fury between her and her kids. My lawyer and therapist tell me the exact timing together doesn’t matter, it’s how you spend it and the relationship. (My relationship is very strong due to being SAHM for many years).

From being a COD or having the longview on your own divorce, what do you think?

[Anonymous]

Ask the kids what they want. That should be who decides custody arrangements.

Stipulate that it can change in the future, according to the kid's wishes.

[Anonymous]

I’m curious about this too. I’m assuming my STBX request for time during the week is because he thinks that is easier than having them all weekend (just seeing them 1-2 hours a day). Maybe weekend time is more quality time? But I’d want to feel very involved in what is going on with school etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask the kids what they want. That should be who decides custody arrangements.

Stipulate that it can change in the future, according to the kid's wishes.

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask the kids what they want. That should be who decides custody arrangements.

Stipulate that it can change in the future, according to the kid's wishes.

No

Found the deadbeat

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t take less than 50% OP. What basis is he using to try to claim you deserve less than 50%? Maybe you need a new lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask the kids what they want. That should be who decides custody arrangements.

Stipulate that it can change in the future, according to the kid's wishes.

No

Found the deadbeat

How is that a deadbeat? Kids should not be put in the middle as its easy to manipuate them. 50-50.

[Anonymous]

50-50 doesn’t work when during the marriage it was 98-2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask the kids what they want. That should be who decides custody arrangements.

Stipulate that it can change in the future, according to the kid's wishes.

No

Found the deadbeat

How is that a deadbeat? Kids should not be put in the middle as its easy to manipuate them. 50-50.

Kids shouldn’t be told they have to spend 50% of their time with a parent that didn’t parent them before the divorce and now only “wants” them to avoid child support payments. Children over 8 or so see right through this. Their wishes should matter as much as the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t take less than 50% OP. What basis is he using to try to claim you deserve less than 50%? Maybe you need a new lawyer.

I agree with this. The default should be 50/50, and you were a SAHM so that would be the *minimum* I would expect you to get. So why would he be suggesting something else? (I know the answer is that he's a vindictive a-hole, but why would your lawyer tell you to accept this?)

OP, you don't really say what you are getting. Unlike your friend, are you getting more of the assets?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask the kids what they want. That should be who decides custody arrangements.

Stipulate that it can change in the future, according to the kid's wishes.

No

Found the deadbeat

lol this parent isn’t a deadbeat/ this parent knew that children don’t have a say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask the kids what they want. That should be who decides custody arrangements.

Stipulate that it can change in the future, according to the kid's wishes.

No

Found the deadbeat

How is that a deadbeat? Kids should not be put in the middle as its easy to manipuate them. 50-50.

Kids shouldn’t be told they have to spend 50% of their time with a parent that didn’t parent them before the divorce and now only “wants” them to avoid child support payments. Children over 8 or so see right through this. Their wishes should matter as much as the parents.

Have you been in family court? Your response indicates to me that you have not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask the kids what they want. That should be who decides custody arrangements.

Stipulate that it can change in the future, according to the kid's wishes.

No

Found the deadbeat

How is that a deadbeat? Kids should not be put in the middle as its easy to manipuate them. 50-50.

Kids shouldn’t be told they have to spend 50% of their time with a parent that didn’t parent them before the divorce and now only “wants” them to avoid child support payments. Children over 8 or so see right through this. Their wishes should matter as much as the parents.

Of course they should do 50-50. Most families have a set up on who does what. Its easy to sway a child to pick a parent. Usually a parent wants full custody because they want the child support payments.

[Anonymous]

Do not accept less than 50-50. The law is very clear on this point. Your ex won’t be able to fight it unless they have clear proof of extreme physical abuse or neglect.

You will not be able to get out of this situation without some pain. Do not give up time with the kids, that will hurt for years and years and affect your healing.

I am someone who has gone through a similar divorce. Sometimes wish I would have fought harder for more than 50-50. Never ever crossed my mind to take less.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with your perspective in the post. I agree, from experience. Sounds like you are receiving good input too. It’s amazing what you can do with a solid vision of what you want for you and your family.