Why not say "shy"?

[Anonymous]

My next-door neighbors were up in arms when a teacher recently called their 3 year old "shy" in front of them. He didn't feel like saying hello, so the teacher said, "it's okay, he's just shy." This really upset the parents and they were telling me how shocked they were that she used the S-H-Y word.

I didn't fess up, but I didn't realize it was wrong to say shy. If my 2 year old daughter won't say hello to someone, after we have asked her to, and it is socially awkward I say that "we are feeling a little shy today." So, to educate myself, I have 2 questions:

1. Why is it bad to label your child as "feeling shy"? Is it okay to say "feeling shy," as opposed to "IS shy"?
2. How do you handle awkward social situations when a child won't say hello, bye, or thank you without using the word shy?

TIA

[Anonymous]

Because it's 2010, and it's important to be offended by every little thing!

[Anonymous]

No idea OP. I say the same thing you do if my DD doesn't feel like talking to new people, which is often.

[Anonymous]

Because we are all special, special snowflakes and everyone gets a star.

I cannot fathom how shy would be a negative. Some people are SHY its a FACT. You're not crazy, OP - your neighbors are!

[Anonymous]

Right, you can't label the whole person with one trait and let it define him (He is handicapped). Rather you have to pretend that doesn't exist and if absolutely forced, minimize the obvious (He is a person who has a handicap, or better yet, He is a person who is differently abled).

That makes it much more clear.

If you say the neighbor kid is "shy," well, that just ignores the fact that she's also red-headed and a good artist and Jewish. So you can't say 'She is shy.' You really shouldn't threaten her self-esteem at all, but if you simply must say something, make it along the lines of 'She is differently social today.'

[Anonymous]

I didn't like it when people called my child shy rather than introverted, because to me, shyness implies a lack of self confidence. It's something that seems to need fixing (and honestly, labeling a kid in front of him doesn't seem like it will help in that regard). Introverted, to me, is a kid who doesn't like a lot of other people in his space. It's how he's wired.

[Anonymous]

"shy" implies social awkwardness. I dont find it to be a quality. That's just me. And by "shy" i dont mean quiet, not talkative etc. Shy is different than that. Shy means unable to handle social interactions.

[Anonymous]

I think shy and introverted are two different things I was very shy as a child, meaning I wasn't comfortable talking to people I didn't know or drawing attention to myself. But I was an extrovert in that I enjoyed being around other people, and had lots of friends. But call it shy, introverted or whatever, my parents taught me it is basic manners to respond when someone says hello or goodbye.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know why it would be bad to call a kid shy. However, I would rather say, "She is being shy," than, "She is shy." That way you are not labeling the kid's personality in a certain way.

[Anonymous]

OP. I think there may be more to the story than simply calling a child shy. The reaction that these parents are having is typical of parents who suspect that something else may me going on in their child's development. Hopefully the parents will calm down and I certainly hope that the teacher will not be written up for this.

[Anonymous]

I think the parents are overreacting but I do think saying "He's just shy" does apply a label and repeated the child may soon consider himself shy and identify himself as such. It would definitely would have been better if the teacher had said that he was "feeling a little shy.

[Anonymous]

As the parent of a shy, slow to warm up 4 year old boy, we do try to avoid the use of the term "shy" to describe our son and I would be annoyed if a teacher said it. The problem is that it was said in front of the child and it can become sort of a self-perpetuating thing with a shy child. Interestingly, I had just something like this happen the other day, not with a teacher, but with a parent of a child in my son's class and it did bother me.

[Anonymous]

This:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2QB_Ei45U0&feature=related

[Anonymous]

:snort: 16:27

[Anonymous]

As someone who was a "shy" child, and was told or overheard constantly that I was "shy," that really stuck with me and I still hear in my head some days. In this society, being shy isn't a good thing. You're supposed to be the head of the team, a leader, confident in groups, etc. etc. None of that comes to mind when you hear the word shy. Not saying that's right certainly, but that's the way it is. So that's my two cents on why I hate the word shy and try to never use it with my kids.