Ex did not want custody and spends minimal time with DC, DC is feeling bad/neglected

[Anonymous]

How do you address this?

My child feels bad and I do not want it affecting 12yo DC's self-esteem that my ex is too "busy" to bother to make time for them to spend together. He averages one night a week with DC, which is around dinnertime til school the next morning, which when factoring in bedtime, is just a few hours of time together per week. If it's a weekend night, it is the same - DC picked up at dinnertime & dropped off at home by 9/10am. This is only IF he can fit it into his life with new GF and her kids whom he lives with (they are not his kids, he only met them in the past year but is with them every day, and my DC knows this).

I am trying to reassure DC of being absolutely worthy of parental love and not being in any way at fault or deserving of being treated this way by a parent. But it is hard to see DC hurting and wishing for dad to want to spend time together and continually being rejected bc dad is too busy with other priorities, ie a "new family."

[Anonymous]

You divorced for a reason. Paint it as ex’s loss and emphasize the difference in your values.

[Anonymous]

My son went through this for years. He is 16 now and wants very little to do with his dad. There is not much you can do except be the parents your child needs. IT sucks the other parent is a total loser though.

[Anonymous]

There is very little you can do.
Maybe try to keep your DC more busy with fun activities so DC does not dwell on it excessively, but this is a major loss for DC and the grief process must take place.

[Anonymous]

Validate what your DC is seeing because it's true. And then teach them how to accept this reality and steer their attention to what they can control and to the people who genuinely want to spend time with them.

[Anonymous]

Can you try other male bonding like martial arts or sports? That sucks for your DC. People suck.

[Anonymous]

I have twins your age, with a similar loser ex who abandoned us for the mistress and her kids. Pathetic.

Because he's such a loser, he lost all our friends. So, I try and get together with our family friends as much as possible, and show my kids what a real man/dad looks like. Our close male dad friends have stepped up and try to give my kids guidance and extra attention. It helps and shows them they are worthy and good with bright futures.

[Anonymous]

but don't ever cover for the loser dad and say, oh he loves you or oh he's doing the best he can. No. That's not your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:but don't ever cover for the loser dad and say, oh he loves you or oh he's doing the best he can. No. That's not your job.

This. Validate what your kid feels instead of trying to cover for their dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you try other male bonding like martial arts or sports? That sucks for your DC. People suck.

NO!!!! Predators will pick up on this and pounce.

[Anonymous]

This was me growing up and it really helped me when my mom treated it almost like a death. We both really grieved the "dad/husband" we thought Dad would be. She kept it very age appropriate but it really did help me when she would say "I am really upset too, Dad was never like this before, I didn't think our family would split like this. I am sorry." Just know it was kind of...a burden we ALL were carrying, really helped me. My siblings all kind of needed a grieving stage with my mom at different points and she was good at meeting us where we were. I know you don't and can't ever trash talk your ex but it IS ok to accept this as a disappointing loss and acknowledge the hole it leaves. I actually have a pretty decent adult relationship with my dad now but he missed alot and my mom is the only parent privy to that part of me because she healed us through it. You got this.

[Anonymous]

This might be a tad Machiavellian, but after supporting your kid per PP's advice above, you might want to suggest he make the most of a friendship with the gf's kids.

The gf's kids probably aren't 100% happy either, but if they are personable enough to also try, he can learn to do some things with them that are fun, without necessarily embracing them as family or permanent fixtures in his life.

That includes fairly neutral things like watching tv, playing video games, tutoring, baking, etc.

Girlfriend may be nicer if DS is popular with her children.

[Anonymous]

I would encourage my kid to write their dad a letter about how they're feeling. How Dad's actions make Kid feel, how Kid sees their relationship evolving in the future if this continues, what changes they'd like.

Let them pour it all out and give Dad the letter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would encourage my kid to write their dad a letter about how they're feeling. How Dad's actions make Kid feel, how Kid sees their relationship evolving in the future if this continues, what changes they'd like.

Let them pour it all out and give Dad the letter.

DP, I question this. If ex doesn’t care, kid may feel worse having poured out heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might be a tad Machiavellian, but after supporting your kid per PP's advice above, you might want to suggest he make the most of a friendship with the gf's kids.

The gf's kids probably aren't 100% happy either, but if they are personable enough to also try, he can learn to do some things with them that are fun, without necessarily embracing them as family or permanent fixtures in his life.

That includes fairly neutral things like watching tv, playing video games, tutoring, baking, etc.

Girlfriend may be nicer if DS is popular with her children.

This is insane.