Funeral planning coordinator service?

[Anonymous]

I know this is an uncomfortable question. Is there a person you can hire to coordinate and speak to all parties when a mostly pre-planned/pre-paid funeral needs to come together? We have one sibling with likely untreated mental illness who is highly controlling, manipulative, dramatic, etc. We convinced our parent to let us know wishes in advance in writing and we prepaid for most things so that part is carved in stone. Sibling will not take over if we let her have all control, there is just this addictive need to create chaos. Parent is still alive, but fading and we need to plan for this because we will be emotionally exhausted enough when parent passes. We need someone to coordinate all communication who is a neutral party. This person can incorporate siblings reasonable ideas, contact those who need to know about funeral (simple task through email, etc, but sibling will create drama over how it is done). make sure all pre-paid plans are in order, coordinate anyone who wants to speak and be there the day of to keep things running smoothly. We just need a professional neutral party who has experience with dysfunction. Does such a job exist?

[Anonymous]

I think most funeral homes have coordinators who can do much of this.

[Anonymous]

Just tell the funeral director (they have dealt with much worse, believe me), and whenever problem sibling asks something, remind them to call the funeral director.

[Anonymous]

There are attorneys that do this and private people as well.

[Anonymous]

This could also be handled in the will by stating the family member who will be responsible for these tasks. It is very difficult to come to agreement on every little detail, so given so much has been preplanned designating the person who should carry out the plan would be easy. This person could ask for as much support/input as they are comfortable with. This could be someone different than the executor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This could also be handled in the will by stating the family member who will be responsible for these tasks. It is very difficult to come to agreement on every little detail, so given so much has been preplanned designating the person who should carry out the plan would be easy. This person could ask for as much support/input as they are comfortable with. This could be someone different than the executor.

Wills are no place for final instructions. They typically don’t even get looked at until after the funeral.

The dying person, if possible, or their POA, can finalize the plan. You can ask the funeral director for help. You can hire a lawyer and/or mediator to be the intermediary. Given the chaos-driven personality you describe, however, you may need to consider the possibility that (1) the problem person won’t be able to be meaningfully included in the planning; (2) whatever they agree to at any point they will simply change their mind on again and again, just for the chaos; (3) they are more likely than not to make a scene, or multiple scenes; and (4) it may be prudent to hire off duty police to attend and remove the problem person if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Why would the problem person be allowed into the process, OP? You can just pay the funeral director, establish yourself as point person, and tell them to politely ignore that particular family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would the problem person be allowed into the process, OP? You can just pay the funeral director, establish yourself as point person, and tell them to politely ignore that particular family member.

OP here. Thanks for all the ideas. Family dynamics are complex and sadly our parents did a lot of enabling/hiding/denying/gaslighting rather than getting her help. I will brainstorm with funeral director about the situation. To be honest, I don't need a funeral to mourn and prefer to drop everything but am trying to honor parental wishes. I don't think we can tell a funeral director to just ignore anything she says which is why I would be willing to hire someone to try to manage it all and just stay out of it completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would the problem person be allowed into the process, OP? You can just pay the funeral director, establish yourself as point person, and tell them to politely ignore that particular family member.

OP here. Thanks for all the ideas. Family dynamics are complex and sadly our parents did a lot of enabling/hiding/denying/gaslighting rather than getting her help. I will brainstorm with funeral director about the situation. To be honest, I don't need a funeral to mourn and prefer to drop everything but am trying to honor parental wishes. I don't think we can tell a funeral director to just ignore anything she says which is why I would be willing to hire someone to try to manage it all and just stay out of it completely.

OP, please talk to the funeral director before you agonize anymore. Managing difficult family is literally part of their job and they’re usually quite good at it. Hopefully the difficult sibling doesn’t have any authority, and they can just help contain her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would the problem person be allowed into the process, OP? You can just pay the funeral director, establish yourself as point person, and tell them to politely ignore that particular family member.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would the problem person be allowed into the process, OP? You can just pay the funeral director, establish yourself as point person, and tell them to politely ignore that particular family member.

OP here. Thanks for all the ideas. Family dynamics are complex and sadly our parents did a lot of enabling/hiding/denying/gaslighting rather than getting her help. I will brainstorm with funeral director about the situation. To be honest, I don't need a funeral to mourn and prefer to drop everything but am trying to honor parental wishes. I don't think we can tell a funeral director to just ignore anything she says which is why I would be willing to hire someone to try to manage it all and just stay out of it completely.

Oh no, you CAN tell a funeral director that relative X tends to get very emotional and might get in the way of her own good intentions, and that the family's wish is to protect her by keeping her at arms length of the planning. The funeral director will read between the lines and likely has seen it all before.

Don't go looking for complications, OP. Talk to the director first.

[Anonymous]

You're not thinking straight. That is literally the role of the funeral home. What do you think you're paying them for? The actual funeral doesn't cost that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not thinking straight. That is literally the role of the funeral home. What do you think you're paying them for? The actual funeral doesn't cost that much.

OP here. I am running on very little sleep with a parent on hospice. You are right. I cano0t think clearly. Glad this can most likely all be handled by the funeral director. Will call once I can have a coherent conversation. I had no idea this was so common that they deal with it a lot. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Just cal the funeral home, FFS.