I am overwhelmed

[Anonymous]

I am struggling at work and probably need to look for a new job that is a better fit for my skills and my life.
I have an elementary-age kid who seems to be struggling socially and emotionally and may have special needs in these areas.
I am in a financially okay place but need to be doing a lot more for college and financial planning.
I am married but my spouse is very emotionally limited and really seems to struggle with any kind of stress -- avoids hard decisions or claims "everything seems fine" when I try to have constructive conversations about stuff like financial planning or helping our kid.

All of this is combining to create a kind of paralysis -- I spend a lot of time thinking about and working on addressing these issues but I feel like I go in circles and things never get better. I'm really tired and sleeping terribly. I have been exercising almost daily because it's the best form of stress relief I have but it doesn't seem to be cutting it. I saw a therapist for a while (about a year) and at first it was really helpful to have someone to talk to and express my feelings and feel heard. But therapy doesn't move in a forward direction and eventually it started to feel like one more circular and unproductive thing in my life.

I need some forward momentum and to make progress in at least one of these areas. I feel like if I could figure out one of these things it would loosen everything up and it would be easier to address the others. But because it feels like everything all at once (there are other stressors I'm not mentioning her but they are things that aren't really fixable -- just general stressful things I have to deal with) and I feel overwhelmed so it's like I just run around trying to address it all at once and instead get nowhere.

Any advice from someone who has gotten out of something like this?

[Anonymous]

I was feeling kind of how you describe and I got a prescription for Lunesta and while of course sleeping didn't actually solve any of my problems, it did help with the stress level I was at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was feeling kind of how you describe and I got a prescription for Lunesta and while of course sleeping didn't actually solve any of my problems, it did help with the stress level I was at.

Thank you, this is at least something concrete I can do.

[Anonymous]

I think you should start job searching. It seems to be one major stressor that's influencing everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should start job searching. It seems to be one major stressor that's influencing everything else.

I agree with you and I am job hunting but I'm getting hung up because right now I have the "flexible" job and am the primary parent and when I look at other jobs I know there would be an adjustment period where I'd really need to focus on that job for a bit and lean on my spouse to take the lead more at home and with the kids. But I have this one kid who is just really struggling right now and it feels like the worst possible time to do that -- I think she would feel abandoned and it could make things worse. She is going to a new school this fall in an effort to improve this situation and I have a neuropsych lined up for her as well. Every time I look at another job and think about switching I think about all this stuff with her and get really worried and stressed and think "no I should just stay where I am until she's in a better place." But then I also feel frustrated and resentful that I feel like I have to be the one to do this because my spouse is kind of checked out on this front.

I don't mean to make excuses. Perhaps I do just need to get a new job and then figure it out and maybe my spouse will rise to the occasion and maybe I'm worrying too much about my kid and she'll demonstrate more resilience than I give her credit for. Or maybe it will be good for her to see me doing something hard. But these thoughts are what keeps stopping me and why I feel so stuck. Something absolutely has to give but it also feels like a house of cards where if I screw any of these things up too much it will make the others worse. Thus the paralysis.

So I job hunt and I'm networking and exploring opportunities but am afraid to pull the trigger on anything and worry the timing isn't right.

[Anonymous]

I move in and out of the same feelings and I have found therapy very helpful, but part of that has been because therapy gives me momentum and direction. It is not just for venting and validating. For me it is a tool to help me make my life (and myself) better and is a source of accountability. I wonder if a different therapist might help?

I’ve also found medication helpful and work closely with a psychiatrist. It’s given me access to sleep meds, stimulants, and antidepressants which have all helped in different combinations at different times.

I also found these books helpful:

Unwinding Anxiety
How to Keep House While Drowning
When things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron

Overwhelm tends for me to be linked closely to anxiety and perfectionism which manifest for me in ways that look different than I would have expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should start job searching. It seems to be one major stressor that's influencing everything else.

I agree with you and I am job hunting but I'm getting hung up because right now I have the "flexible" job and am the primary parent and when I look at other jobs I know there would be an adjustment period where I'd really need to focus on that job for a bit and lean on my spouse to take the lead more at home and with the kids. But I have this one kid who is just really struggling right now and it feels like the worst possible time to do that -- I think she would feel abandoned and it could make things worse. She is going to a new school this fall in an effort to improve this situation and I have a neuropsych lined up for her as well. Every time I look at another job and think about switching I think about all this stuff with her and get really worried and stressed and think "no I should just stay where I am until she's in a better place." But then I also feel frustrated and resentful that I feel like I have to be the one to do this because my spouse is kind of checked out on this front.

I don't mean to make excuses. Perhaps I do just need to get a new job and then figure it out and maybe my spouse will rise to the occasion and maybe I'm worrying too much about my kid and she'll demonstrate more resilience than I give her credit for. Or maybe it will be good for her to see me doing something hard. But these thoughts are what keeps stopping me and why I feel so stuck. Something absolutely has to give but it also feels like a house of cards where if I screw any of these things up too much it will make the others worse. Thus the paralysis.

So I job hunt and I'm networking and exploring opportunities but am afraid to pull the trigger on anything and worry the timing isn't right.

I am sorry you are struggling. I agree with waiting until fall. That's only a month or two away. For now, update your resume, write some draft cover letters, and quietly network. Ask prior friends/coworkers for job recommendations, but don't post on Linked In, or put that you're "looking for work".

However, if your dream position pops up, take it as a sign and apply.

Good luck OP, I'm sending out positive thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Make a list of things you need to do for work, kid, self, home, etc. Then put the list in order of urgency and start tackling things. It'll relieve so much stress to have everything written down so you'r not worried anything will be forgotten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I move in and out of the same feelings and I have found therapy very helpful, but part of that has been because therapy gives me momentum and direction. It is not just for venting and validating. For me it is a tool to help me make my life (and myself) better and is a source of accountability. I wonder if a different therapist might help?

I’ve also found medication helpful and work closely with a psychiatrist. It’s given me access to sleep meds, stimulants, and antidepressants which have all helped in different combinations at different times.

I also found these books helpful:

Unwinding Anxiety
How to Keep House While Drowning
When things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron

Overwhelm tends for me to be linked closely to anxiety and perfectionism which manifest for me in ways that look different than I would have expected.

OP here. Thanks -- I definitely think my therapist wasn't the right fit. At first I really liked her because it was just nice to have someone who would listen to me as I don't really have that in my life and was feeling insanely isolated. But over time it became clear that's all it was and I got tired of talking about the same stuff over and over.

Will check out those books. Agree anxiety is a huge part of this -- I'm afraid to do things and I'm afraid not to do things. It's not a healthy headspace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make a list of things you need to do for work, kid, self, home, etc. Then put the list in order of urgency and start tackling things. It'll relieve so much stress to have everything written down so you'r not worried anything will be forgotten.

Thank you -- yes to lists.

If anyone has tips on how to sit down and write these lists when you are actively avoiding it because you are afraid to actually face the size of the problems please let me know! I can make a daily to do list and a packing list and a "stuff we have to get done this weekend" list but I have been avoiding making this kind of "all the stuff I've got to get done" list for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should start job searching. It seems to be one major stressor that's influencing everything else.

I agree with you and I am job hunting but I'm getting hung up because right now I have the "flexible" job and am the primary parent and when I look at other jobs I know there would be an adjustment period where I'd really need to focus on that job for a bit and lean on my spouse to take the lead more at home and with the kids. But I have this one kid who is just really struggling right now and it feels like the worst possible time to do that -- I think she would feel abandoned and it could make things worse. She is going to a new school this fall in an effort to improve this situation and I have a neuropsych lined up for her as well. Every time I look at another job and think about switching I think about all this stuff with her and get really worried and stressed and think "no I should just stay where I am until she's in a better place." But then I also feel frustrated and resentful that I feel like I have to be the one to do this because my spouse is kind of checked out on this front.

I don't mean to make excuses. Perhaps I do just need to get a new job and then figure it out and maybe my spouse will rise to the occasion and maybe I'm worrying too much about my kid and she'll demonstrate more resilience than I give her credit for. Or maybe it will be good for her to see me doing something hard. But these thoughts are what keeps stopping me and why I feel so stuck. Something absolutely has to give but it also feels like a house of cards where if I screw any of these things up too much it will make the others worse. Thus the paralysis.

So I job hunt and I'm networking and exploring opportunities but am afraid to pull the trigger on anything and worry the timing isn't right.

I am sorry you are struggling. I agree with waiting until fall. That's only a month or two away. For now, update your resume, write some draft cover letters, and quietly network. Ask prior friends/coworkers for job recommendations, but don't post on Linked In, or put that you're "looking for work".

However, if your dream position pops up, take it as a sign and apply.

Good luck OP, I'm sending out positive thoughts.

Thank you for the good advice and the positive thoughts. Definitely haven't found any dream jobs yet but I'll keep looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was feeling kind of how you describe and I got a prescription for Lunesta and while of course sleeping didn't actually solve any of my problems, it did help with the stress level I was at.

Thank you, this is at least something concrete I can do.

You're welcome. I hope it helps you.

I have also found that taking some time when I can to completely zone out (which I can only do when my whole family is under the same roof, otherwise I feel like I need to have my phone available in case a kid needs something) and do something enjoyable but mindless, like watching a show on Bravo or reading a fun book. Again, it doesn't make any of my problems go away, but sometimes knowing that I have my quiet hour coming up at the end of the day can help me push through.

I truly hope things get easier for you. I totally get how you feel and it is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should start job searching. It seems to be one major stressor that's influencing everything else.

I agree with you and I am job hunting but I'm getting hung up because right now I have the "flexible" job and am the primary parent and when I look at other jobs I know there would be an adjustment period where I'd really need to focus on that job for a bit and lean on my spouse to take the lead more at home and with the kids. But I have this one kid who is just really struggling right now and it feels like the worst possible time to do that -- I think she would feel abandoned and it could make things worse. She is going to a new school this fall in an effort to improve this situation and I have a neuropsych lined up for her as well. Every time I look at another job and think about switching I think about all this stuff with her and get really worried and stressed and think "no I should just stay where I am until she's in a better place." But then I also feel frustrated and resentful that I feel like I have to be the one to do this because my spouse is kind of checked out on this front.

I don't mean to make excuses. Perhaps I do just need to get a new job and then figure it out and maybe my spouse will rise to the occasion and maybe I'm worrying too much about my kid and she'll demonstrate more resilience than I give her credit for. Or maybe it will be good for her to see me doing something hard. But these thoughts are what keeps stopping me and why I feel so stuck. Something absolutely has to give but it also feels like a house of cards where if I screw any of these things up too much it will make the others worse. Thus the paralysis.

So I job hunt and I'm networking and exploring opportunities but am afraid to pull the trigger on anything and worry the timing isn't right.

You're not making excuses. You're doing the best you can. Don't beat yourself up.

[Anonymous]

I would stick with a flexible job because of the issues with your kid. You'll know more what's involved after the evaluation. What I've done in the past is make a spreadsheet with several goals, and plan out what all the steps are. You are basically juggling things that go at different speeds. You can't really focus on only one goal at a time, because some goals would fall behind, and it's like spinning plates. If you stop, a plate will drop and break. Just plan out the steps and try to do the next step of each goal whenever you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make a list of things you need to do for work, kid, self, home, etc. Then put the list in order of urgency and start tackling things. It'll relieve so much stress to have everything written down so you'r not worried anything will be forgotten.

Thank you -- yes to lists.

If anyone has tips on how to sit down and write these lists when you are actively avoiding it because you are afraid to actually face the size of the problems please let me know! I can make a daily to do list and a packing list and a "stuff we have to get done this weekend" list but I have been avoiding making this kind of "all the stuff I've got to get done" list for a while.

Just haul up your metaphorical big girl panties and make the lists. Once you make them, they will feel less overwhelming and you will feel less like avoiding. Also, once you make lists, you can see what you can give others to do. Maybe your kid can do some house stuff. Maybe your husband can do some other house stuff. Find their strengths and use them. Maybe you have a list of stuff around the house that needs to be fixed. Once you have that list, you can hire a handyman and just hand them the list to knock out. Carve out an hour to make phone calls or do internet research for specialists for your kid who take your insurance. Make a list of dinners that all take 20 minutes or less that everyone in the family likes. Then each night you won't feel dread at having to figure out dinner. You see? Lists are our friend. Lists give us structure in a chaotic world.