Rough Chapter

[Anonymous]

I struggling with my marriage right now. My DH is quite aloof and just not emotionally present for me or our 2 children. When he is around, he is critical of everything we do and wears a constant scowl on his face. Our children don’t enjoy spending time with him because he criticizes everything they are doing wrong rather than focusing on what they are doing right. He always “loses track of time” and comes home late. He isn’t having an affair- he just wants to avoid us. I have noticed he frequently leaves the house when we are about a mile away from returning home from an activity. We just had our 14th wedding anniversary and he didn’t put any effort into acknowledging the anniversary - no card, no flowers, no intimacy- just a “I’ll make it up to you” comment.

He does the bare minimum at home. We can’t afford a cleaning lady or lawn service, so the cleaning, laundry, lawn care, etc are all on me if I want things to be acceptable. I’m not looking for perfection, just a house that isn’t filthy and a lawn that is mowed every 2 weeks.

We’re approaching a year without intimacy.

I’m not sure if I have the energy to leave him, but I don’t want to live like this any longer.

I could use some advice to either fix my marriage or get the strength to get out.

[Anonymous]

Therapy for you and therapy together if he's open to it. The problem is that he's perfectly content with what he's created. He doesn't have to be involved with the kids and he doesn't have to help around the house and suffers zero consequences. What is his motivation to make any changes? What happens if you don't do his laundry?

[Anonymous]

Therapy hon. In parallel sharpen your knives and start preparing for divorce. Advise with a lawyer (a good one).

[Anonymous]

Most likely he is cheating

[Anonymous]

Work on your career, OP. Do you work full time? Consult a lawyer.

It is very likely that he is having an affair. You may not be able to control the timing of the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most likely he is cheating

THIS

[Anonymous]

Sit down alone, just you and not him (yet), no kids around to distract you, and think hard:

Was he always a little like this, and it worsened? Has he been growing cooler since the kids were born? Does he seem ill at ease with the kids and all kids generally?

Was he not like this at all, and there was a point (or a series of points) where it seemed to begin, so this is actually a big change?

If this is a change in his behaviors, what else in his life changed at around the time you realize he started acting this way? (The kids got older and started needing more time/attention? He had a job issue, job change, job dissatisfaction that he might be dealing with by retreating from everything? You bought a new house or moved etc. and there were suddenly a lot more expenses? His parents or siblings had health or money or other issues that affect him emotionally, or he's been asked to help them out/give them money? A friend of his died, or left the area, or whatever? Try to think about changes NOT related to you or sex, and realize that sometimes men act out toward their wives/kids/domestic life when they actually are angry or frustrated over other things.)

Don't let this drive you to divorce without first seriously trying to identify what changed and when, then talking to him. He may deny there is any problem or change and may try to say YOU are seeing problems where there are none. But if one person in a couple perceives a problem, there is a problem, period. Have appointments lined up before you talk to him -- individual and couples therapy, possibly not simultaneously. And you need to ID the changes then talk to him as you've "talked" to us here, but be prepared to stay calm if he denies and deflects.

My first instinct if my own DH were having similar issues would be to worry that something was wrong with him that he wasn't sharing with me. I would not assume he hated me or disliked the kids or was having an affair; I'd first think, is he trying to spare me from something going badly at work, or is his family having issues he won't share, or is there a physical issue (low testosterone or thyroid can both create emotional and sexual issues). Approach this as "I'm concerned about you because I love you, and we need to work as a team because this is affecting how I see you and our marriage."

[Anonymous]

Is no one going to state the alarming omission? Your spouse is literally avoiding you. Inventing reasons to be away from you. In your long list of his faults, you haven’t considered how awful it is that the one you supposedly love doesn’t want to be around you? Clearly there is something you can do about this rough stage: imagine your DH happy, cheerful, racing home to be with the woman who makes him feel loved and warm. What would she be like? Do that.

[Anonymous]

Where does he go when he leaves? How old are your kids and are they noisy and/or bratty? Is your husband an introvert?

[Anonymous]

Is it possible for you to hear him out? Not talking, just listen to what is bothering him.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you can track his location, is that how you know he is not having an affair?

Everything else you said makes it sound like he is having an affair. But I'll be the first to admit it could be something else completely.

The worst sign that you have a huge problem is that it appears you can't even talk to him about all this. That is the first thing you have to figure out how to do.

[Anonymous]

Please talk to him. Now. If you haven’t shared with him what you’ve shared with us, there is no need to talk of divorce or misery. You are at step 1. Talk.

[Anonymous]

My DH became nasty and distant and it was not an affair. The answer was to tell him therapy or I’m out. He did couples counseling with me and got better.

[Anonymous]

Mine was like this when he was very stressed at work and feeling depressed. He didn’t have any patience for the kids at all and just wanted to be left alone to veg out. He had no energy for anything beyond work and soothing himself it seemed. Was very self focused.

I’d ask him if anything has been bothering him, you’ve noticed xyz etc, & go from there.

Sometimes it helps- temporarily- to plan fun things that he enjoys (date Night at his favorite place, his favorite low stress family outing etc) to try to strengthen bonds a bit. But obviously that is just a band aid…

[Anonymous]

How do you know for sure he isn't having an affair or contemplating having one?