Spouse can never apologize

[Anonymous]

Any time I am upset about something and tell him (to be clear, this happens infrequently, maybe once a month at most), he reacts with anger and blaming.

It’s so frustrating. I don’t call him names or personalize or do anything like that to him. He has always been like this.

For example I told him how something bothered me. His response was to be defensive and angry and say it didn’t matter when and how he did something because I’m always going to get irritated. Then a litany of all the things that bother him about me.

Just once I would like him to say, oh sorry I didn’t mean for it to sound that way. Any version of apologizing or taking responsibility would be nice.

[Anonymous]

This is not a healthy dynamic, OP. Your partner shouldn't react to your feelings with anger (at least not on a routine basis)

[Anonymous]

I sympathize, OP. Mine is like this too. And though it's a cliche on DCUM, I've diagnosed him with Asperger's. It's the only way I can deal with his social ineptitude, is if I tell myself he truly cannot help it and does not understand these things. But it's still maddening as hell.

[Anonymous]

My ex spouse wouldn't even apologize for something like accidentally hurting me. That's one of the many reasons we're divorced! I don't think I've ever heard the word sorry out of his mouth. It's exhausting, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP here. He is conflict avoidant and doesn’t have an easy time expressing his feelings. I’m totally the opposite, also was raised in a family where people could actually talk about things.

His parents, and also my SIL and her spouse bicker and raise their voices over dumb things constantly and are all defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex spouse wouldn't even apologize for something like accidentally hurting me. That's one of the many reasons we're divorced! I don't think I've ever heard the word sorry out of his mouth. It's exhausting, I'm sorry.

I'm the 11:00 PP. This reminds me of a big part of the issue I've learned. Mine thinks he should only apologize for stuff done INTENTIONALLY. That's so stupid. Like, if I thought he was ever intentionally trying to hurt me, we'd be broken up and an apology would be moot, right? He acts like he has a limited, set number of apologies he can dole out in his lifetime, so he doesn't want to waste them. I tell him all the time that it apology costs nothing. It never sinks in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He is conflict avoidant and doesn’t have an easy time expressing his feelings. I’m totally the opposite, also was raised in a family where people could actually talk about things.

His parents, and also my SIL and her spouse bicker and raise their voices over dumb things constantly and are all defensive.

I'm a PP - it doesn't matter how he was raised. He needs to change now if he wants a healthy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He is conflict avoidant and doesn’t have an easy time expressing his feelings. I’m totally the opposite, also was raised in a family where people could actually talk about things.

His parents, and also my SIL and her spouse bicker and raise their voices over dumb things constantly and are all defensive.

Mine is the same- conflict avoidant, never apologizes. Be careful and get to marital counseling asap.
Mine blindsided me with a divorce, and then I learned of his ongoing affair.

[Anonymous]

Same here OP. If you have kids please teach them what a proper apology sounds like and when to apologize. My kids have never heard their dad say, I am sorry. It is unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of men are not taught about how to care about the feelings of other people AND think that apologizing shows weakness (or some BS like that). My husband always wanted to *explain* why whatever thing that bothered me was no big deal or why I shouldn't really care.

We had explicit conversations about it early in our relationship and, fortunately, he figured it out. He's still not super quick to apologize but we also have a dynamic where I can say "the best resolution to this discussion is for you to accept that I'm upset and apologize for your part in that." And honestly, there are only *grounds for apology* every couple of months because lots is good for us.

OP, I'd definitely suggest counseling. This is an area where your spouse has to be willing to care about how you feel (and adjust their behavior accordingly) but improving that dynamic it can also make SO MUCH difference in how you both address and resolve conflicts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He is conflict avoidant and doesn’t have an easy time expressing his feelings. I’m totally the opposite, also was raised in a family where people could actually talk about things.

His parents, and also my SIL and her spouse bicker and raise their voices over dumb things constantly and are all defensive.

lol. That dude is screwed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex spouse wouldn't even apologize for something like accidentally hurting me. That's one of the many reasons we're divorced! I don't think I've ever heard the word sorry out of his mouth. It's exhausting, I'm sorry.

I'm the 11:00 PP. This reminds me of a big part of the issue I've learned. Mine thinks he should only apologize for stuff done INTENTIONALLY. That's so stupid. Like, if I thought he was ever intentionally trying to hurt me, we'd be broken up and an apology would be moot, right? He acts like he has a limited, set number of apologies he can dole out in his lifetime, so he doesn't want to waste them. I tell him all the time that it apology costs nothing. It never sinks in.

OP again, this sounds so familiar! Mine also thinks on some level that people aren’t allowed to get mad at you (ever) if you are nice and pull your weight. It’s insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He is conflict avoidant and doesn’t have an easy time expressing his feelings. I’m totally the opposite, also was raised in a family where people could actually talk about things.

His parents, and also my SIL and her spouse bicker and raise their voices over dumb things constantly and are all defensive.

Anger is a feeling he seems comfortable expressing. Don't let him off the hook.