Teens who lie

[Anonymous]

How do you deal with a 13yo who lies and then when confronted lies about having lied?

[Anonymous]

What are they lying about? To any extent possible, I remove the opportunities to lie. For example, you don't ask if they've done their homework. You say "Log in and let me see you assignments and what you've completed." etc.

[Anonymous]

Also, this is the SN forum. You should probably say more about their diagnosis and functioning level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, this is the SN forum. You should probably say more about their diagnosis and functioning level.

If they have the ability to lie that tells you about their functioning level.

[Anonymous]

I will say that I think this is probably pretty age appropriate behavior (so, not okay but also not SN related). That said, how you approach it might depend on the SN at hand - for example, is he ashamed and trying to hide an OCD compulsion, or does he have ADHD and is struggling with impulse control, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, this is the SN forum. You should probably say more about their diagnosis and functioning level.

Kid has no formal diagnosis but I strongly suspect has undiagnosed ADHD and possibly also LD around spatial relations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are they lying about? To any extent possible, I remove the opportunities to lie. For example, you don't ask if they've done their homework. You say "Log in and let me see you assignments and what you've completed." etc.

+1

[Anonymous]

Could you talk to me more about this. Ring age appropriate? I consider his behavior atrocious. For example, his video game console was confiscated bc of lying about inappropriate use. He ransacked my room and found it, his it in his room, lied about having it, all while lying about and pretending to have done homework; meanwhile had totally stopped doing his homework and went from an A to an F in science. It’s 7th grade and he needs these grades to apply to high school in the fall. I am LIVID.

[Anonymous]

That sounds like a lot, op. Most teens do lie, so don’t assume that it’s only your kids. Even my “good” kid who tells me everything and gets good grades has admitted to lying.

I would assume he has a screen addiction, based on this story. So it’s not the lying you need to worry about, but the screen addiction. And the grades dropping is worrying. Could he be depressed? Being bullied?

Before going crazy on him I would sit down and talk about what’s going on, ask him why his grades are dropped. Tell him you’re worried about him. Then you need to send the game system elsewhere. I have a kid who loves his switch, but if he lost his mind over it, I wouldn’t give it back until he can prove he can handle it. And take it out of the house so he knows he can’t ransack anything. I would make him clean your room (and the rest of the house) to earn it back after that kind of behavior.

But do try to get to the core of this before getting to the livid stage again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you talk to me more about this. Ring age appropriate? I consider his behavior atrocious. For example, his video game console was confiscated bc of lying about inappropriate use. He ransacked my room and found it, his it in his room, lied about having it, all while lying about and pretending to have done homework; meanwhile had totally stopped doing his homework and went from an A to an F in science. It’s 7th grade and he needs these grades to apply to high school in the fall. I am LIVID.

Your problem isn’t that your kid is lying. Your problem is that your kid is not following the rules, not meeting expectations and taking things when you say no. If you think your child has SN, get an evaluation, figure out reasonable expectations based on your new information and go from there.

[Anonymous]

All teens lie. It's how you address it that matters

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you talk to me more about this. Ring age appropriate? I consider his behavior atrocious. For example, his video game console was confiscated bc of lying about inappropriate use. He ransacked my room and found it, his it in his room, lied about having it, all while lying about and pretending to have done homework; meanwhile had totally stopped doing his homework and went from an A to an F in science. It’s 7th grade and he needs these grades to apply to high school in the fall. I am LIVID.

This is a classic power struggle. You should be on the same team.

Does he want to go to private high school? If he has ADHD, he may need different supports to get homework done. He may need medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you talk to me more about this. Ring age appropriate? I consider his behavior atrocious. For example, his video game console was confiscated bc of lying about inappropriate use. He ransacked my room and found it, his it in his room, lied about having it, all while lying about and pretending to have done homework; meanwhile had totally stopped doing his homework and went from an A to an F in science. It’s 7th grade and he needs these grades to apply to high school in the fall. I am LIVID.

OP, this is where context come in and diagnosis. I didn’t realize the extent of the lying and reaction. This is not age appropriate and not ok. I would escalate this to the next level- therapy, some self regulation work, and remove all reasons to lie whether it’s a checklist system or no electronics/gaming.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't worry about the grades. This is classic Audhd type ODD, PDA behavior that might not get better but most certainly could get worse. I would worry about the addiction and the lying and stop worrying about the future. Just the here and now. Trying to improve the truthfulness and addictive behavior.

I personally think kids like this need to be out of the mainstream of schools with addictive electronics into a very regimented school system or electronic free system or you need to lean into the addictive electronics and allow them to do something with it with consequences. It's an addictive substance so either you lean into it and stop having conflict with it or you remove it almost completely either by filling it with structure imposed by someone else or just allow it within certain time frames and see where it goes.

[Anonymous]

OP my kid did the same thing and I just tried to address each issue with the hope that he would continue to meet milestones. Tried therapy to no success possibly because I was also trying to rescue him from his addiction each time as well. He has met milestones and is going to college because we played the electronic consequences games for years all the while sending him to a school filled with electronics, but his behavior has not improved and now that he's an adult he just continues the same path of addiction. Will college change him? Who knows. I wish I had gotten him away from electronics or had just leaned in to the addiction and allowed it and he had gotten his GED instead and then had to work at a blue-collar job or gone into some electronics job because of his fascination with it. It's better for us to set boundaries on our own work on their issues rather than continually letting a child act childish and us rescue them. My involvement allowed my child to take advantage of my time and money which fueled resentment on my part and power struggles on his. They have to accept the consequences of their behavior at some point.