When do you know your 2nd kid as well as your first?

[Anonymous]

Curious if other parents felt like they didn’t really know their second kid as well as their first and does that change as the kid gets older and talks more and develops interests etc? Or does it mean my bond with my first kid is stronger?

I have a five year age gap between toddler and older child so I have spent a lot more time with the older kid. But even as a young child I felt I knew the older kid inside and out and don’t feel that with the second kid.

[Anonymous]

I still don't and they're 5 and 4. I think that's just my kids temperament though. My second is kind of him in own world. My first has never had a thought she hasn't spoke aloud.

[Anonymous]

This is giving heir and the spare vibes.

[Anonymous]

I felt like I knew my younger son had a different personality and skill set at birth.

I feel I know my two sons equally well. They are 2.5 years apart.

When I try to consider if I have a favorite, I can honestly say that I don't.

I think it's true that some personality types can be more difficult to understand. In my case, my older is similar to me. And the younger is more similar to my husband's family. So I have a better understanding of motivations for the one who is more like me. But I don't know him better overall as a person.

A kid is easier to understand than a baby.

[Anonymous]

I think this is partially a personality thing. All my kids are elementary aged. My middle child keeps a lot inside, very close. Sometimes she tells us years later about things that she believed were very important at the time that still sticks with her (positive or negative). Knowing her just took a lot of time. My youngest narrates basically her entire life and everything she's thinking. She's an open book, very on-the-surface for better and for worse. She's easy to know and was since toddlerhood. My oldest is 12 and while I've always payed attention to her and known her, as she gets older and into different activities I continue to discover new sides of her personality that sometimes surprise me. She's a very layered kid. The layers all fit together, but each one isn't obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I felt like I knew my younger son had a different personality and skill set at birth.

I feel I know my two sons equally well. They are 2.5 years apart.

When I try to consider if I have a favorite, I can honestly say that I don't.

I think it's true that some personality types can be more difficult to understand. In my case, my older is similar to me. And the younger is more similar to my husband's family. So I have a better understanding of motivations for the one who is more like me. But I don't know him better overall as a person.

A kid is easier to understand than a baby.

I grew up in a family like this (except it was older was thought of as "like Dad" and younger was "like Mom"). Sometimes it was useful, sometimes it was a terrible oversimplification, especially as we got older and matured into our own unique selves somewhat. But when we were little it also meant that since I was less understood by the primary parent (Mom), my sibling got away with a lot more.

So pros and cons to the bolded.

[Anonymous]

I think I am finally getting to the point where I know my 2nd kid as well as my first. My kids are 3.5 years apart and the oldest is now 11. He's heading into middle school and is often busy with school, sports and friends. My DH does a lot of the sports-related stuff with him, which leaves more time for me to spend with my 2nd. She's a girl and we are starting to have more in common. She likes the same things I used to like at that age. It's nice to feel the bond deepening with her. Her first couple of years feel like a blur to me. She was not an easy-going baby and I had a 3-4 year old to chase after. I recall so much of my oldest as a baby, but not as much with the 2nd and I was worried that trend might continue. Fortunately it hasn't.

[Anonymous]

I don't feel like I know my first THAT well. He's very resistant to emotional intimacy.

My second one views me as his person and tells me what's going on in his head readily.

[Anonymous]

I think I know all 3 of my kids equally. The first is more reserved, but she is 10 and we have had a lot of time together. The second is 8 and she is just like me so I get her (but she has secrets). My third is only 5 and only recently started having real (but still simple) conversations. I think I know him, but he is still so young.

[Anonymous]

I think I know my first better, even though my second is more talkative. I almost feel like it is inevitable with second kids, especially ones who like to copy/follow their older sibling around. Mine are two boys, two years apart and the younger one will do and want whatever older brother wants, but I can tell that that's not what he would pick for himself (ex he will ask for chocolate ice cream like brother but doesn't finish it). I try to tell him that he doesn't need to do or like what older brother likes but it's not resonating, at least not yet. I was just wondering myself when I can get to know my second son, when he will step into his own and show me his own preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I felt like I knew my younger son had a different personality and skill set at birth.

I feel I know my two sons equally well. They are 2.5 years apart.

When I try to consider if I have a favorite, I can honestly say that I don't.

I think it's true that some personality types can be more difficult to understand. In my case, my older is similar to me. And the younger is more similar to my husband's family. So I have a better understanding of motivations for the one who is more like me. But I don't know him better overall as a person.

A kid is easier to understand than a baby.

Your younger son had skill set at birth? Interesting. Must be the first to achieve this.

[Anonymous]

This is the secret fear I have and why I have an only

[Anonymous]

My kids are 16/14 and I never had the feeling that I didn’t know one as well as the other. Even when the younger was a baby, I knew him at that mom/baby level.

I wonder if this is a modern parenting thing? Like we somehow feel compelled to know all the nuances of each kid and if we don’t, we feel like other moms do so we are failing.

I bet you’re doing fine, op, try not to over analyze this one.

[Anonymous]

I never noticed any difference— felt like I knew both kids well very early on. In fact, the time spent with an infant tends to be more intense and intimate than time with older kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 16/14 and I never had the feeling that I didn’t know one as well as the other. Even when the younger was a baby, I knew him at that mom/baby level.

I wonder if this is a modern parenting thing? Like we somehow feel compelled to know all the nuances of each kid and if we don’t, we feel like other moms do so we are failing.

I bet you’re doing fine, op, try not to over analyze this one.

Not OP but I think so. It's so easy to read all the things about "mother's intuition" and feel like you're failing.