How do you kill envy?
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Anonymous
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I definitely still have envy, in my mid 40s and consider it a very suboptimal trait. Curious how others deal with envy:
1. see it as a sign that something in your life is missing and you need to identify it and address? (if so what do you do to address?) 2. see it as a personal/ personality 'flaw' that needs to be erased? 3. other? |
Anonymous
| Practice its antitrait, which is gratitude. If you practice gratitude and contentment in your thoughts, words, and actions, you will make yourself into a hostile climate for envy. |
Anonymous
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I really struggle with this. And I don’t know why - all told I have a pretty good and comfortable life. My DD is heading to a great school in the fall that she is super happy about (nothing amazing but perfect for her) and I am constantly logging on to her schools commit page to see where everyone else is going! When I see someone get into an Ivy I’m like “how the hell did they do that?!?”
This is absolutely a me problem. My daughter is happier than a pig in sh¡t about her choice. Why do I care about anyone else’s kid?!? |
Anonymous
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Human tendency is to base happiness on comparison with a reference group rather than absolutes. With access to so much information, it is easier than ever to compare ourselves with a reference group of choice rather than an immediate social circle.
You are choosing a reference group of unattainability, so you're choosing a bad time. |
Anonymous
do you think it's because you didn't meet your OWN expectations? i find that my envy is limited to areas I feel i could have 'reached'. Eg I don't have envy of insane wealth on instagram, I have envy of people a click up who made more strategic choices. |
Anonymous
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By being successful, OP.
And successful is subjective, thank goodness! Focus on all wonderful things that have gone well in your life. |
Anonymous
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Mostly #1.
I do think I'm more prone to envy than some others are, but I think it's because I was neglected as a child and therefore grew up very insecure about basic needs. This got me in the habit of often looking out at others and seeing they had fundamental needs met while mine were not. This breeds envy and puts you in a "scarcity mindset" that often makes you feel like you are in competition with others for basic things. I think I'll always have emotional wounds from that neglect and thus will probably always be prone to envy. However, instead of seeing it as a personality defect, I see it as the understandable outcome of a very less-than-ideal childhood where I often went without (everything from food and transportation to love and attention). I think a lot of people who claim to never feel envy would likely be more like me if they'd had my childhood. So this helps me be more understanding of myself and forgive myself when I do experience envy. But yes, as an adult, I mostly just try to channel my feelings of envy into action to obtain the things I want. This is a hell of a lot easier to do as a grown up than a child, so at least there is that. I'll always envy people with happy childhoods and loving parents, though. That will never go away and frankly I feel entitled to it. |
Anonymous
| I focus on what I do have. I remind myself that I have everything I need and some things I want. I remind myself not everyone gets everything they want. I remind myself that I happen to live in a very wealthy area with a lot of international people and if I moved to the middle of South Dakota or somewhere it'd be considered exciting that I've been to both Canada and Mexico, not sad that I've never been to Hawaii or Europe. It's all about perspective. |
Anonymous
did you find the envy was 'fuel' for you to go above and beyond? |
Anonymous
| Success. |
Anonymous
I don’t think so. I loved my school and ended up doing very well for myself. So indefinitely didn’t have expectations I didn’t meet there. My DD is going to a school that is far more well regarded than my Alma mater, so I’m still not sure what’s going on here?!? |
Anonymous
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I think you may need therapy for this op if you're still concerned about it at your age.
I haven't really suffered envy in my lifetime, not because I've had a perfect life, far from it, but because I was an only child and not raised to make comparisons with anyone, ever. Also I'm genuinely happy when my friends and family do well, when tennis players win competitions, when people are successful who have worked hard, when the deserving kid gets their puppy, etc the list goes on. Its likely you're fantastic at some things but have been raised to think that you're not, or you're lacking and only therapy will help you reprogram that bad stuff. |
Anonymous
Not at all, quite the opposite. I don't have a typical lifestyle, and do not want some of the material goods or social status that others seem to covet. I live an outwardly modest life, and am not interested in splashing my wealth about. But my kids can attend the college they want, we can travel how we want, retirement is taken care of, and I'm in the process of establishing a trust fund. I share none of those things except anonymously. |
Anonymous
That's not very interesting though. Money is just money. It doesn't stop you dying from a horrible disease or your kids getting squashed in car accidents. It's meaningless. |
Anonymous
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1 and 3
When I was younger I was envious of people who had more success in my field, especially a few whose connections helped them. I remember having a heart-to-heart with myself and realizing I really, really wanted what they had and started to work much harder and also realized I had to make connections as that was part of the game and did so, and did get to their levels and beyond. 3. I think envy is pretty natural and normal. So if I feel it, I try to remember the facts of my life, the choices I made, the particular fates I had--better than some, worse than others. Some health problems occurred in my family which were random and unusual (think brain tumor) and that helped me realize that not everything is in my control. Sometimes we have to drop everything and deal with the unexpected and out plans, hopes and trajectories change. I also never got as far as I wanted in Mt field. I had to let go of the desire. I think a lot of people want others to envy them and spend a lot of time trying to provoke it. Social media makes it endemic. I know that I have wanted others to envy me at times. I know too that I have been envied and it did not feel good. I agree with others who said that thinking about gratitude helps. It keeps things in perspective. I think the older you get, the less you feel envy. You see that over the course of a lifetime, most everyone has pain and hardships and you can't see all the details behind the scenes. And there will always be someone more lucky, successful and better looking! That's just the way it is. |