Friends ….or not.

[Anonymous]

I thought I had many friends. But actually I dont.
I mostly always initiate conversations, or initiate lunches, or texts,
or find out later about things another group of friends did together.
Honestly am not sure why this happens.
They are all very nice and I know them for years, I just dont know why this happens though.
Feeling dejected and sad today now that it has dawned on me.
Venting …but where am I wrong…

[Anonymous]

Are you perhaps more social than the rest? I have one friend who initiates nearly all our get togethers and conversations. Not because I don't like her - indeed, she's one of my best friends - but beause she's a social butterfly.

I'm sure you do have real friends, OP.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is the planner (and star, or shrinking violet) of their own social life. Some people don't make plans and don't have friends. Some make all the plans and then become sad no one else reciprocates. If you are always the initiator, it doesn't leave room for someone else to initiate. So perhaps you have to either be comfortable being the initiator or wait and see if anyone reciprocates. People have different social appetites, so the hungrier ones wind up seeking more and the less hungry ones are still full.

[Anonymous]

No I am definitely not more social than the rest.
Yes they are good friends and listen and will come at bad times/ times of need.
But just not as initiative other times to get in touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is the planner (and star, or shrinking violet) of their own social life. Some people don't make plans and don't have friends. Some make all the plans and then become sad no one else reciprocates. If you are always the initiator, it doesn't leave room for someone else to initiate. So perhaps you have to either be comfortable being the initiator or wait and see if anyone reciprocates. People have different social appetites, so the hungrier ones wind up seeking more and the less hungry ones are still full.

I understand what you are saying.
I am also talking about just being in touch- I seem to do most of the touching base.

[Anonymous]

When I think of people who touch base with me and I don't touch base with them back as often, I like them but I feel a disconnect. They might talk about things like movies/books/TV shows I am not familar with, they might not have kids so I don't have free time like they do, or they talk about meeting up but other times you don't hear from them while they are probably touching base with all their other friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I think of people who touch base with me and I don't touch base with them back as often, I like them but I feel a disconnect. They might talk about things like movies/books/TV shows I am not familar with, they might not have kids so I don't have free time like they do, or they talk about meeting up but other times you don't hear from them while they are probably touching base with all their other friends.

Exactly I feel a disconnect. Saddens me a bit.

[Anonymous]

Drop them and find new froends

[Anonymous]

Ignore 22:08. Honestly, DCUM -- you act like making friends is as easy as buying coffee.

I'm like you OP. I fill my calendar with dinners and activities that I initiate. Maybe I don't give friends the opportunity to reciprocate, but I honestly don't want to sit around a wait for them to get their shit together. I want to see them, so I invite them.

I think if you asked them, they would say "I love how Larla is such an organizer. It's great having a friend who takes on the work of maintaining the friendship."

[Anonymous]

Lp here
but not just for making arrngement but to talk have a conversation etc

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like some of this group has an inner circle that gets together more frequently and you're in a more outer circle that gets together occasionally.

I wouldn't drop them. They're still your friends, just not as close as you thought. That stings and everyone has been through some version of this.

Try making new friends. I tell my severely special needs daughter that she's worthy of having friends who like her for who she is. You are too. We all are. Don't chase people. Start small and see who reciprocates interest. Put lots of irons in the fire, or as many as your time allows. Join a regular group like a book club or interesting class. Build on that to get coffee or lunch after with someone you hit it off with.

Focus on 1:1 friendships. Things get complicated with groups of women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I think of people who touch base with me and I don't touch base with them back as often, I like them but I feel a disconnect. They might talk about things like movies/books/TV shows I am not familar with, they might not have kids so I don't have free time like they do, or they talk about meeting up but other times you don't hear from them while they are probably touching base with all their other friends.

I disagree - even if I’m not in touch all of the time, I am thinking fond thoughts of my friends. It’s just that I get snowed under by work, family and volunteer demands and I don’t always have time. So don’t take it as a rejection, OP.

[Anonymous]

I think some people simply don't know how to do this. I have a friend who greatly appreciates me organizing things and says "you're so good at it" but doesn't take the hint and actually, likely doesn't have the confidence to plan one herself.

In my later life, I've taken to telling ppl these things so it doesn't breed resentment.
So, ask them, tell them, vent to them.