DD hides her life from me
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
DD17 and I used to be extremely close and she would tell me everything. As she’s gotten older, though, I’ve noticed that she conceals important parts of her life from me. I read a text she sent to a friend talking about a boy she likes at school. I’ve never heard her mention him before. If she fails a test, she won’t tell me, which might be normal, but she also won’t tell me if she does well, which makes me sad. I don’t want her to think she can’t talk to me. She seems to just view me now as the person who pays for her stuff and makes dinner.
Thoughts? |
Anonymous
| She's growing up. Practicing being on her own. It doesn't necessarily have that much to do with you personally, more about her trying to work out being her own version of an adult. It's a bit clunky at times, for sure. |
Anonymous
|
If I were you, I wouldn't worry too much. You seem like a nice person who maybe is a touch sensitive. I can't speak for anyone else, but when I was 17, I didn't want my parents in my business at ALL. They would ask me how my day was, and I would say fine, and then they would ask me what fine meant and WHAM, we were arguing. I just wanted my own little world and I was lucky enough that they let me have it as long as I didn't screw up their trust.
One suggestion, and I know how hard this is, but I wouldn't go snooping into her texts unless she has given you reason to do so. That's pretty invasive and if she finds out you did it somehow, the level of trust will absolutely plummet. I want to know what my kids are texting too, but so far I don't have any reason to pry, so I fight the urge |
Anonymous
|
If she fails a test, you'll see it on ParentVUE. So it's not like that's really hidden from you.
The other stuff, in terms of her not spilling her guts to you about the boys she likes, is completely normal IMO and you need to get over. |
Anonymous
|
Sounds like normal teen development and normal parental emotions to feel sad about it.
I think it was Lisa Damours book "untangled" that had some potentially useful advice, like make sure you're listening a lot more than talking and not trying to fix their problems but rather let them vent to you if they ever try, without you inserting your own judgement. I think sometimes it's easier for teens to talk about their friends or what some kids at school are doing rather than themselves. But overall very normal for them to keep more things private. I was like that. For me, I could tell that my mom's anxiety rose when I was dealing with challenges, so it felt safer just to tackle them on my own. I didn't know if it would have been different if she reacted more neutrally. |
Anonymous
|
This is normal. This is good. She's pulling away to become her own person. Let her go, but be ready and not resentful when she comes back, which she will in time.
Good luck, these are tough years to parent through. |
Anonymous
Kids don’t always come back though. |
Anonymous
| It is not normal for kids to tell their parents about their crushes. |
Anonymous
If OP doesn’t take it personally and pouty child about it, there’s probably a better chance they do eventually come back. How did you treat your mom when you were 17? |
Anonymous
|
Not sure this is too uncommon, OP, but still sorry you are having to go through this.
I do remember in HS, when many of us lost our virginity. When I did it the first time, I did not tell my mom, even though it was a deeply personal and important experience in my life. Come to think of it, I don’t think any of us went home and shared it with our moms. It was personal and not their business. |
Anonymous
|
At 17 you shouldn't be reading her texts anymore. And she's just being independent - I wasn't telling my mother anything at that age - I didn't want her judgment or stupid comments about guys I liked. I didn't care what she'd heard about the guy from some lady in the neighborhood or my taste in looks, or that I should do something different with my hair if I wanted him to like me back.
I didn't need to hear that I should have studied more if I failed a test - I knew that. My mother just wanted to comment on my life as if I was her own personal reality show, and I wasn't interested in being that for her. |
Anonymous
| You are probably a lot like my mom. Controlling from a place of parenting and anxiety. I definitely pulled away as a teen. At 17, you really shouldn't be reading her texts to a friend about a crush. |
Anonymous
Is there a way to get her to talk to you about this boy, without letting her know you read her texts? Can you find out more information about this boy some other way? I would really need to know this. |
Anonymous
|
Problem #1, and possibly the root of all the problems, you're reading her texts at age 17. How embarrassing! I stopped monitoring social media stuff (never read her texts) when she turned 16, and that was prob later than I should have. She is almost a legal adult, you should NOT be reading her texts. She is probably extremely resentful.
I'd have a conversation to say, hey just FYI I will not monitor your social media or texts anymore, but I'm really hoping that we can get back to the open relationship we used to have where we'd talk more. There is also nothing better for finding out what's going on her life than a long drive, long walk or shopping excursion. |
Anonymous
|
This is normal
Just let her know you are there is she ever wants to talk..no judge,ent you were once a teen And for those saying stop reading texts..while I agree there still are reasons to do so..especially if attitude or demeanor has changed radically vs slowly pulling away. Never know what can be lurking in those texts snaps etc |