How to help 3rd grader with bad communication skills
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Anonymous
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I've been chaperoning/attending a bunch of field trips, girl scout events, birthday parties this spring, and it hit me just how behind my DD is as far as social skills.
A large number of the girls are very sophisticated conversationalists. They can strike up an interesting conversation with a classmate; they intuitively pick up how the girls around them are feeling and say the right thing in response. They can easily enter a group conversation and contribute to it appropriately - they neither dominate or stay totally silent. They discuss complex social dynamics like adults would. Then, there are a few girls like my DD, who are almost painfully awkward. They might stay silent in a group, or say something inopportune and get ignored. They will come up to a kid or adult and say something totally random, rambly, or uninteresting. They don't understand about asking others about themselves. They laugh when things aren't funny or keep pushing "jokes" that make everyone else uncomfortable. Even as their peers or parents try to get them to stop, they are totally oblivious. What are the socially sophisticated girls' moms doing that I am not? The parenting books say that kids learn social skills on their own, so you need to give them unstructured, unsupervised playtime in groups of kids. I have done so much of that, but clearly my kid hasn't learned. Her counselor did a weekly social skills group with her, but that didn't help. And I'm sure the other girls aren't doing social skills groups. There are no natural consequences at this point to incentivize her to change. She's happy being with the other awkward kids or quietly hanging in the big group. She is too oblivious to notice any of this, even when I try to gently bring it up. |
Anonymous
| This honestly sounds like it could be some kind of neurodiversity. I would talk to your ped. |
Anonymous
| Social skills groups and continue lots of gatherings and just have patience and realize these skills are not distributed evenly. |
Anonymous
| Also sometimes finding a group of kids yours can click with won't necessarily give them a leg up in the conversations that others are having, but will give them social skills that will help them in the long term and will give them confidence. |
Anonymous
| She sounds aspie |
Anonymous
Not necessarily. My DS actually is on the spectrum and has always been a great conversationalist (albeit with his own quirks). I actually noticed just at around 3rd grade how some subset of kids appear less mature. As long as she has friends, playdates, etc, doesn’t tantrum or melt down, I wouldn’t do anything. Also OP, childhood is not a race. She’s having fun with kids she likes and that’s great. |
Anonymous
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I have a 4th and 2nd grade girls. My first is somewhat similar to yours, but less extreme. It’s getting much better now in 4th grade and she does not stand out much (or at all), but the difference in the awkwardness was very obvious in 1st and 2nd grade. She found her people in third grade and things are great now.
My second is the opposite (possibly because she has an older sister). She is super mature and sounds older than all of her classmates. Also, my girls did not learn English until they went to school at 3-4 and we never spoke English at home. As a result, my daughters were quite behind in vocabulary until very recently. |
Anonymous
| My 2nd grader daughter is similar. She has ADHD and a few learning disabilities. She participated in several social skills classes and that’s helped a bit but it’s not instantaneous. We have a lot of conversations about appropriate behavior in different social elements and that also seems to help. But overall while it comes naturally to some kids it’s learned behavior as well so just keep working on it! |
Anonymous
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Eh, I don't know. Does she have friends and generally get along with her peers? If so, I wouldn't worry about this. Some young kids are very are very articulate, some are not.
Would you also compare her soccer skills to the best player and wonder where you are going wrong? |
Anonymous
| Is your family very social? It doesn’t sound like it is, and that may be a factor. You and DH are her role models. |
Anonymous
So the more “sophisticated” girls aren’t being mean and your daughter doesn’t feel left out because she’s happy with her “awkward” friends or just observing? Then drop it. She’ll get there - or she won’t and she’ll continue to be one of those weird people who is actually a whole lot of fun to talk to. Be THRILLED she’s not using her words like weapons- which is what some (not all) of the more “sophisticated” conversationalist are doing in 4th grade. - former super awkward weird kid who now can talk to anyone because at some point, as an adult, I started “faking” being a good conversationalist and it clicked. Also a mom of a 4th grader who is chatty, and can code switch between the “awkward” kids and the “sophisticated” kids and much prefers the weird conversations that happen with both types of kids. |
Anonymous
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Speech Language therapist can help with this -- pragmatics of speech. Also encourage games that develop the skills related to speech pragmatics: Backseat Drawing, charades, Pictionary, etc., word games that require listening, turn taking, and building on what someone else said -- like story chains.
https://www.betterspeech.com/post/5-everyday-activities-to-improve-pragmatic-language-skills-in-children#:~:text=Games%20that%20involve%20role%2Dplaying,for%20practicing%20non%2Dverbal%20communication. |
Anonymous
All kids will not just "get there" and it is not always OK if they don't. A lot of emotional damage can be inflicted on kids with communication delays who don't get it, and since this is a skill that can be worked on and improved, no parent should ignore it. |
Anonymous
| She sounds unbothered, and she's getting invited to things. If it doesn't affect her, maybe look into why it bothers you. |
Anonymous
| Don’t push it ignore that fool above |