Is this reasonable for wanting us to change in these areas?

[Anonymous]

Some details have been changed:

Are these acceptable questions or requests at 15 years into marriage? Is this being unreasonable? Are some of these supposed to be a given? I feel good about our life until I realize there is some deeply unhappy paths we are set on in the last year. Like, it’s good, but there is something brewing.
—————

This is what I need
Communication. Lists and talking. Either of those are communicating. Video games are not always an obstacle to this. But as much as they are, they need to be lessened. Spouse is against lists. I love lists. A family unit cannot keep it in our heads. It’s possible for a single person.

Connection. A date out on weekends. We have some weekday daytime dates due to work schedules. They are getting where we're just doing a meal out and home project discussion together (but also never doing the home project).

List of responsibilities. So we can share. So we can teach kids to pick up some of these. If they have a list, that helps. If I have a list I worry they won't buy into it. I don't care either way. But we both need to connect on this. [sorry this might be redundant on the first issue, but more about chores sharing]

One Saturday a month where we plan a fun outing as a family.

List of financial wants - we need a little guiding philosophy here bc we are about to make a lot more money. We are great with money but I’m worried there will be dissatisfaction even with more, because we don’t know what we want. This has been coming up.

Both of us pursuing something that's personal to us. I feel like I have this, working out, small groups of friends. I'm worried about they don't always.

Working on parenting at all. If my spouse finds ANY kind of guiding principles or book/content they can relate to, that would be good. I have some, and my spouse hates them. I’ll go with anything but our parenting right now isn’t working. We need a touchstone and so we have a basis for agreeing.

Balance on video game and kids screen time. Both of us working on addressing this with kids. Setting up and reinforcing the same rules especially on weekends and as summer approaches.

[Anonymous]

Op, you were clearly telling the truth when you said you like lists. If I were your spouse, this list would be overwhelming. Overall it seems like you are coming in with proposed solutions (your way, different than spouse's way) rather than working together to come up with solutions to the underlying issues. Some adults would like that but many would not.

[Anonymous]

This is the PP again. You said "Are some of these supposed to be a given?" My concern is whether you actually want all of these things or it's more of thinking that some of these are the way a "correct" relationship should be (when you compare with others) and then you are worried about it. There are many ways for a relationship to be.

[Anonymous]

This is too much Op. Start with 1 thing and get that going and an easy part of your routine and then add something else. Laying this list out won't go over well. I also like lists and planning things but you can't just jump into everything like this. It's very overwhelming

[Anonymous]

I agree that this feels like a lot to bring up all at once but I don’t think any of your requests are super unreasonable. That being said, this is only one side of the story. When you decide to bring this up with your spouse, please please leave time and emotional space for the to state what *they* need and when (in all likelihood) their needs and yours are in direct conflict, do not assume that your solution is the right one but rather keep talking and brainstorming with your spouse about it.

[Anonymous]

Op here. As I hit Submit at the top, I saw how overwhelming it is. I think it’s been building up and I’m letting it alll out.

I shared these ideas with spouse. It hasn’t been a giant fight. But there’s still a lot to talk about.

Thinking about today for example, we were all a little lazy. It was raining and easy to be lazy. We all loved it. Spouse’s laziness included I’d estimate 7h of video games.

My laziness included like 4 hours of (very connective!) movies watching with our tween.

Again, it was raining.

On other days, and by the end of today, I couldn’t handle the lazy. Should I start to work on stuff, all on my own choice? Sometimes I do. There’s plenty of stuff to do around the house. Today I was feeling burdened by the thought of doing it alone. So should I leave things a big mess? Get kids involved but leave spouse on the video games? Nag? I didn’t do any of it. I just had to walk out and take myself on outing (which I get to do enough… it’s not rare!)

——
So, how about most days. I want to get stuff done: sometimes I go for what I see, but I also keep a list that I run down. It helps things to not get forgotten. If I completely ignored this list for, say, weeks, we’d have big problems.

Spouse does what they see. I cannot manage that way. We have a big house, 3 kids, 3 pets. I have a flexible job (which honestly means more staying on top of it). Spouse has a shorter workweek. Think 4-day week, but not. So there is time. Lately, it’s too much on video games.

****Tl;dr —No one could reasonably share or manage our responsibilities without a list. Also laziness is fun. Laziness cannot be all there is. Doing “what we see” cannot work. Lists help us share. We are about to make a lot more money. Which brings a need for more communication. Something’s turning for the worse.

[Anonymous]

Just. See. A. Marriage Counselor. Already.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to realize that the likelihood that you can change your husband is low. He has to be very empathetic and connected to the family to be willing to change.

[Anonymous]

I have trouble understanding what your goal is, beyond “lists”.

I’d try to identify what the problem is you are trying to solve. (Is it that home needs tending to, or that family members need an activity?)

Also what is this “ we are about to make more money & it’s going to turn us towards the worst.?” Is this your partner, who did not help as much as you wanted, will be less available&

[Anonymous]

A list of thoughts about your lists:

1) If you have to write down every micro-task (“Clean the toilet…wash the sheets…mop the floor…empty the dishwasher”) — that is annoying. Are you doing that?

2) If your lists are too vague (“Plan a vacation”) — your spouse doesn’t know where to start.

It seems you make lists to manage your anxiety, and your spouse finds your anxiety annoying. So keep one long private list for yourself if you must, but the list you consider the “family list” should have only like 3-5 things on it at any time.

And…more money is definitely not going to hurt. I’m not sure what the anxiety is around that? You’ll be able to outsource. Pay someone else to do some of the stuff on your list.

[Anonymous]

A grown man with kids playing video games for 7 hours in the middle of the day sounds odd to me. I don't play golf and know that it as is big a time suck, but at least you're walking outside and socializing.

[Anonymous]

Does he have ADHD? This sounds like my husband and despite asking, cajoling, fighting, etc. he has no list of regular chores.

[Anonymous]

OP, what does your spouse need/want? All you’ve shared is what your problems and desired solutions are. Does spouse agree that your problems are problems? Do they have different ideas for how to fix them? Even if the internet 100% validated your views (and we’re not) that doesn’t matter because the person you need buy in from is your spouse.

[Anonymous]

There’s nothing wrong with having lazy weekends. Geez.

If you want to tackle a project, go for it. But if you want or need help, then you need to ask well in advance to secure buy in.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your major issue is the video games. Maybe just be up front with that and see what your spouse says about reducing that in favor of things you can do as a family.

On rainy days, we usually do something like a museum and then cook a more complicated meal together (my kids love cooking).

I think you should come up with some sort of rainy day plan so it doesn’t result in you resenting your spouse for the video game habit.