YOUR Feelings: People Loving a School that's Failing Your Child

[Anonymous]

I need help moving on from my feelings. Perhaps some of you can relate. For those who've been in a school that's actively done harm to your child, how do you deal? Not harm due to ignorance or lack of resources, but honest to goodness callousness and ignorant hubris.

When your friends from school are fundraising for the school, posting raves on social media, etc...how do you deal? Their children are doing fine, so I get it. Yet it hurts! I want to scream and tell them all how awful this school is.

Worse, the school gets to keep tuition money for next year. Contract law sucks. Their callousness towards DC sucks. (Think undetected seizures despite DC's very specific tic being on the medical action plan, fighting neuropsych's suggested accommodation for DC's profound giftedness, etc., not reporting an incident of self harm that a teacher witnessed, despite knowing DC has been diagnosed with major depression, and on and one.) That I gave them the benefit of the doubt for years, donated generously, and yet they haven't acknowledged, even a little, how they've failed our DC--that stings! They literally have letters from an MD and PhD stating DC should be in a different school. Yet they claim they not only are doing a stellar job but think DC will thrive next year. The new curricula will fix everything! (I'm not buying it.) Again, breathtaking chutzpah. It's the Kelly Ann Conway alternate truth talk that drives me insane!

We are moving to a new school and found others who've had the same experience with our old school. I know it's not just me, and that helps. But I can't stop thinking about our old school. When I sleep, when I wake in the middle of the night, when I'm cheering for my kids at soccer, all the damned time. If they'd just shown a little humanity, I would have moved on. I guess I've been lucky in life never to have encountered people like this.

I know I need to look forward. The money is gone. They are never going to say sorry. Some people see them for what they are, but the world turns, and most will never know. Life is unfair, I need to accept it and move forward. We are incredibly lucky that we can afford it and found a better place. I should focus on DC's future, right? Why can't i?

I don't need tough talk. I beat myself up all the time about these irrational feelings. Anyone have advice or just similar stories to share?

[Anonymous]

Yes, our family has experienced this, too. We had to leave a school that has been able to be a life saver/miracle for other families. I wish that was the case for us, too, but it wasn’t. As in your case, the school was actually harmful for my child. I’m still in a lot of pain over it and wish things could have been different. I don’t have any answers for you, OP. You’re not alone and I wish you and your family the best going forward. We have to keep keeping on.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, your story has elements that smack of disability discrimination. Did you consult with an attorney at any part of the process - either when asking for accommodations (and being denied) or when being pushed out of the school while at the same time keeping your tuition.

Section 504 law has changed recently both in case law and regulation to favor the plaintiff (disabled person), you don't provide enough/clear enough facts to advise, but worth checking with a special education lawyer. Even just retaining the lawyer to ask for the tuition back might motivate the school to return it rather than get into a legal suit.

[Anonymous]

You're looking for complexity where there is none, OP. This is a business who wants its money, and is legally entitled to it. They are not equipped to deal with your kid. Whether their assurances that they can care for your kid are just to justify enforcing their contract, or because they sincerely believe they can help him... who knows? Maybe different people in the school believe different things. The teachers who had your kid previously may know he's not a good fit, but can't say so to your face, can they?

The other parents are perfectly entitled to love the school. It works for THEIR kids, doesn't it?

I have a twice exceptional kid and a gifted kid. I have direct experience with seeing one kid fail and one kid flourish with exactly the same teacher or the same environment. Therefore I KNOW not to blame others too much. Had I not had my non-SN kid, I might be like you, bitter and resentful.

But I understand that many times, there is no one to blame and no one to point fingers at. Some kids are just extremely challenging to deal with. Mine will never find an optimal environment, and I've made my peace with that. We do the best we can to accommodate him, but in the end, he has to go through life with handicaps. He's in college now. It's been a rough road, and will keep being a rough road. The challenges change with time, but they don't cease.

I wouldn't ruminate about all this or hate the school. Focus on what's next for your kid. Don't repeat the same mistakes, goodness knows new ones are waiting to be made.

[Anonymous]

Give it time, the feelings will abate as you move forward with the new school. Go easy on yourself, it is a crappy situation- keep moving ahead & your feelings will start to evolve.

[Anonymous]

Gosh I'm sorry OP. We went through something similar and I still can't help but have bitter feelings. It's been a couple years too.

I had thoughts of should I file a complaint or sue or fight back some other way but those thoughts took energy away from helping our DD and unrealistic because in the end I would spend a lot of emotion and money to what - "win"? It would not make me feel better in the short term because I would have to relive the experience over and over again during whatever process I was going through.

You have the money to pay both tuitions. You're right that is a huge blessing. Put your time and money towards your DD and helping her have a happy and productive life.

I don't have any words of wisdom but just want you to know you are not alone. Just repeat what you wrote yourself which is to move forward which is what I keep telling myself too.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of parts to your post and your title makes a different point than most of your post.

We had awkward moments with parents who raved about a school who was actively doing our child harm. It was actually obnoxious how little empathy but someone once told me to be patient because while you think you are the exception and everyone else is loving the school that's not true. There are others who are feeling what you are feeling even if you are not connecting. Fast forward a few years and the principal was transferred due to allegations of taking bribes and the teacher who was discriminatory was recognized at having challenges with her own anxiety in a way that impacted special needs kids. She got training and was demoted to a non-preferred grade level.

[Anonymous]

They aren’t irrational feelings. You need to let yourself feel it all and that is how we process it. It was damaging to your child, that’s not a thing to move past quickly. Good for you for getting out and trying to find a better fit for your child.
We had a very similar situation and it does get a little better with time and most of the time I don’t express my disdain for the place, but occasionally I do. I’m human and when someone actively harms my kid, I’m going to have thoughts and feelings.
I truly hope the new school is a better fit and you are allowed to be mad for as long as you need to be.

[Anonymous]

We were at a school for several years. First kid had a great experience. We had a great relationship with admin/teachers and were very involved, lead fundraising, etc. We were #1 fans and raved about it to everyone we knew.

Things started fine for second kid, but went downhill. We finally decided that it wasn’t a good fit and applied out. One of the administrators - who we’ve known for years - handles the record requests for the school. We found out many months later - after mostly declines - that this person put false info in my kid’s file. I only found out because I had to get the final copy of the records myself to give to the new school. The other admins from the school were shocked it happened, but there wasn’t anything they could really do at that point to fix admissions - we had already committed to a new school. That person is no longer there.

Anyway, it was such a massive betrayal to my innocent kid that it made me feel physically sick thinking about it. It took a very long time to get past it, but now I can think about it without wanting to puke. I still don’t understand their motivations. How could you do that to a kid? Especially after everything we’ve done for the school over the years.

We no longer do anything associated with the school. Even though it was just one person’s actions it tainted the whole place for us. I never shared it widely so when the school ever comes up in conversation we just try to change the subject. We also haven’t gotten involved in my kids’ new schools.

Anyway, the only thing that truly helped was time.

So sorry, OP. It can be super painful.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure there are any schools besides a public test in school like TJ or NYC test in schools that are going to be able to handle a profoundly gifted student, particularly one with mental health and physical health problems like self-harm and seizures.

More importantly than the school sometimes it is the luck of the draw of what teachers. My oldest son got almost every single amazing teacher most years. My younger son got some really really awful teachers at the same schools. Like a teacher telling me unless I put him on adhd meds she couldn’t do anything for my son even though he didn’t have any diagnosis. Another teacher telling him he wouldn’t amount to anything. Not caring that a kid threw a ball when he wasn’t looking at the back of his head and knocked him to the ground. Another teacher not realizing she didn’t put him in a reading group so he never met with her. Then lied when I asked when she met with him to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were at a school for several years. First kid had a great experience. We had a great relationship with admin/teachers and were very involved, lead fundraising, etc. We were #1 fans and raved about it to everyone we knew.

Things started fine for second kid, but went downhill. We finally decided that it wasn’t a good fit and applied out. One of the administrators - who we’ve known for years - handles the record requests for the school. We found out many months later - after mostly declines - that this person put false info in my kid’s file. I only found out because I had to get the final copy of the records myself to give to the new school. The other admins from the school were shocked it happened, but there wasn’t anything they could really do at that point to fix admissions - we had already committed to a new school. That person is no longer there.

Anyway, it was such a massive betrayal to my innocent kid that it made me feel physically sick thinking about it. It took a very long time to get past it, but now I can think about it without wanting to puke. I still don’t understand their motivations. How could you do that to a kid? Especially after everything we’ve done for the school over the years.

We no longer do anything associated with the school. Even though it was just one person’s actions it tainted the whole place for us. I never shared it widely so when the school ever comes up in conversation we just try to change the subject. We also haven’t gotten involved in my kids’ new schools.

Anyway, the only thing that truly helped was time.

So sorry, OP. It can be super painful.

Maintaining a distance from the school and other parents is a lesson I definitely learned. Yes it’s hard to see all the butterflies & rainbows talk when your kid is being failed.

[Anonymous]

OP people say all that stuff publicly about “loving” a school because it reflects their own vanity. It can also sometimes involve a subtext about control, where being the school’s biggest booster means their kid gets better treatment. It’s basically a kind of bragging.

[Anonymous]

Schools are very complex—they can be great for one family, terrible for another, good and bad for kids within the same family. I try to think of it more in terms of individual teachers, administrators, families and what I think of them and how they treated my child/us. But my child has SN and was fairly well served by a private school that other families with kids with SN had bad experiences with. Individual profile is s factor too.

[Anonymous]

My kid got bullied at a school that my other kid thrived at. For many years, I hated even driving by that school. I did separate myself from that community and try and move on. It just sucks. Hard to not be emotional about things that happen to your kid.

[Anonymous]

People love some kids or spouses who I don't like. I live my own life.