Verbally abusive sibling

[Anonymous]

My sibling is verbally abusive, a hoarder, and anxious. My therapist suspects a personality disorder.

For years, I've kept in contact with this sibling because of the kids. The kids are grown now and so I'm thinking how I can distance myself even further.

As an example of things they do, they've accused me of stealing old furniture from our parents' house. They've also accused me of things that I later found out they did.

Other times, they'll start yelling. I have trouble hearing them because my brain starts blocking them out. I've started to say that they won't get what they want by yelling. I remove myself from the situation. I speak calmly. I don't take the bait.

Even though I handle their outrages a lot better, it's still stressful. The funny thing is our mother can yell and scream a lot (especially before she was medicated), and my sibling has said how this stressed them out. So, when sibling yelled at me recently, I drew a comparison between sibling and mother to show how sibling also doesn't like being yelled at.

This treatment has caused me health issues and placed my self-esteem in the toilet. I grew up thinking I sucked and was terrible.

But I have friends, a loving husband, and good relationships with my kids. I've been to therapy. I meditate. I eat well.

BUT I have not accomplished all I want to accomplish and have very mean voices in my head that tell me I suck. Yes, I am in therapy to deal with this.

What else can I be doing?

I limit contact but we co-care for our mother so I have to talk to them sometimes.
I don't invite them to special events. The last time they were at my house, they wanted to be walked all over to look at everything (even the yard!) and I don't know if they think I stole something or they are jealous or what.
I don't share good or bad news with them.

I'm old now and have been dealing with two mentally ill people in my family for decades. I'm sick and tired of them but trying to avoid 100% no contact.

What else can I be doing?

[Anonymous]

Cut off contact. This sibling is not good for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cut off contact. This sibling is not good for you

This. Let them care for your also abusive mother.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have good boundaries. You can stay low contact if it isn’t a problem for you. If they can’t abide by basic boundaries about not yelling or being abusive, then you cut them off.

[Anonymous]

You need to see a therapist regularly. You still have a lot to work through.

[Anonymous]

As suggested, cut contact. Are you getting enough exercise.. it's a great stress reducer for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As suggested, cut contact. Are you getting enough exercise.. it's a great stress reducer for me

Yes, thank you. I work out, garden, do yoga, lift weights, and walk regularly.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to see a therapist regularly. You still have a lot to work through.

That is true and why I mentioned that I'm seeing a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have good boundaries. You can stay low contact if it isn’t a problem for you. If they can’t abide by basic boundaries about not yelling or being abusive, then you cut them off.

Thank you. Okay, I'll do this. Maybe I can reduce my contact even further.

[Anonymous]

For the sake of the kids? Whose kids? You're not married to your sibling. Nieces and nephews aren't all that important.

You have not inherited your mother and sibling's mental illness.

You should distance yourself much better than what you're doing, OP. Do not invite them, do not go to their house, communicate minimally, hang up or leave as soon as they start becoming unpleasant.

If it means less care for your mother, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Don’t feel bad about cutting this person off completely. You have to take care of yourself soon can be there for your spouse and your kids.

I have a sibling like this. I cut off contact because every interaction with her resulted in her saying mean-spirited things in an effort to control me. Now, years later, I have had to deal with her again in order to settle our parents’ estates.

I only deal with her by text and email, and include other interested parties on the threads, but she still becomes abusive and vitriolic, even though she knows I have a written record of what she says and other people are also reading what she writes, including the probate lawyer and the broker for our parents’ estate account. Either she doesn’t care or she is so mentally ill that she truly has no clue how inappropriate her words are.

Can you keep your interactions with your sibling to text and email? That way you can avoid reading her abusive comments until a time when you feel safe and calm. Maybe your spouse could read them before you and give you a heads up that “something wicked this way comes,” so to speak. And it can’t hurt to have a record of the craziness, in part so you can reassure yourself that this is not your fault.

Good luck, OP. You need to take care of yourself and your own family and there is no reason for you to feel bad about that. The less interaction you have with this sibling, the better things will be for your own mental state and your ability to enjoy peace and calm in your own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t feel bad about cutting this person off completely. You have to take care of yourself soon can be there for your spouse and your kids.

I have a sibling like this. I cut off contact because every interaction with her resulted in her saying mean-spirited things in an effort to control me. Now, years later, I have had to deal with her again in order to settle our parents’ estates.

I only deal with her by text and email, and include other interested parties on the threads, but she still becomes abusive and vitriolic, even though she knows I have a written record of what she says and other people are also reading what she writes, including the probate lawyer and the broker for our parents’ estate account. Either she doesn’t care or she is so mentally ill that she truly has no clue how inappropriate her words are.

Can you keep your interactions with your sibling to text and email? That way you can avoid reading her abusive comments until a time when you feel safe and calm. Maybe your spouse could read them before you and give you a heads up that “something wicked this way comes,” so to speak. And it can’t hurt to have a record of the craziness, in part so you can reassure yourself that this is not your fault.

Good luck, OP. You need to take care of yourself and your own family and there is no reason for you to feel bad about that. The less interaction you have with this sibling, the better things will be for your own mental state and your ability to enjoy peace and calm in your own life.

Thank you to you and others here. I’m going to return to this thread to re-read your posts.

We have to settle part of the estate (home sale). Once that is done, I’ll be mostly free to do what I want.

At the suggestion of a therapist long ago, I treated sibling as a divorced partner so my kids could have cousins. I’m glad I did this as I think my sibling’s children may need the normalcy and support in dealing with the mentally ill parent. It’s really sad to see that our family trauma and dynamic has played out with children in my sibling’s family because sibling would not seek mental help.