DC is finishing freshman year and doesn't want to return

[Anonymous]

I want to be supportive but I really don't want them to leave this school. They just didn't find their place. I want them to give it another shot (good scholarship, good school) but want to respect their decision not to return. I'm afraid if they take time off they might not return anywhere. Anyone else have a similar experience and can give me some perspective? They are coming home soon and I want to be prepared for what steps I need to take/help them take.

[Anonymous]

So do they want to enter the transfer portal or take a "break" from school? If it's the latter, the data bears out your worry that they might not return.

[Anonymous]

I left school after freshman year and it took me about four years to go back, but I did (different school) and got my degree magna cum laude. Taking that time off made a big difference in my ability and desire to really study and make the most of it. I did get a full-time job to start out, and when I felt about ready to go back to school I went part time and took one or two classes a semester to kind of ease back in.

Sometimes the traditional timeline isn’t right for someone.

[Anonymous]

Freshman year can be difficult. Your student should reflect on what they like about their college and what they need to do to graduate. They should also make a specific list of activities that they want to do before they graduate.

There is no such thing as a perfect college for anyone. If they are still doing well enough academically, they might just need to be reminded that they are there to get a degree. They don’t need a tribe or to find the meaning of life. A few friends will do just fine, and they might meet new people next year that they prefer if they are intentional about it.

I think a lot of current students are struggling with these feelings because of how our expectations around college and our society has shifted in the past five years.

[Anonymous]

My oldest did this. We told him he had to present us a plan for what he was going to do instead, and a goal, and we kept him to regular real* updates on his work towards that.

*real as in he had to develop a written plan and we sat down monthly to review it and update it.

He worked towards that goal (a specific career that didn't require a college degree), while holding a full-time job, and achieved it. I was, and still am, very proud of him.

[Anonymous]

I guess it depends a little on why? And how you feel about dc living at home next year?

College is so expensive and wasted on a lot of kids, and working for a few years could be great for career development and work ethic and maturity. OTOH, I have enjoyed the freedom of having fewer kids at home, less meals, dishes, late comings and goings, and I would be a little unhappy to have the kid back unless he were pulling his weight in the house.

I also worry my kid might spend too much time online — although of course he could be doing that at college.

Is transferring a possibility? What does he want instead?

[Anonymous]

Gap year and have them get a job and go to community college. That will make them appreciate college more when they go back.

[Anonymous]

Make sure there’s not some triggering event or trauma that’s behind the reluctance to return. Like an assault, roommate or friend who hooked up with bf/gf, bullying/humiliation/ostracization, etc. I know people who experienced each of those that made returning really difficult at that age. More than just not finding one’s group, and may require some time to see through to a different plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure there’s not some triggering event or trauma that’s behind the reluctance to return. Like an assault, roommate or friend who hooked up with bf/gf, bullying/humiliation/ostracization, etc. I know people who experienced each of those that made returning really difficult at that age. More than just not finding one’s group, and may require some time to see through to a different plan.

This is a good point. If it’s more than what OP said it was, change may be needed.

I don’t consider “finding my people” to a four alarm fire. It sounds more like pandemic social anxiety hangover which is happening to most of them to varying degrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure there’s not some triggering event or trauma that’s behind the reluctance to return. Like an assault, roommate or friend who hooked up with bf/gf, bullying/humiliation/ostracization, etc. I know people who experienced each of those that made returning really difficult at that age. More than just not finding one’s group, and may require some time to see through to a different plan.

Goodness, what people jump to. The teen forum is like this, many times a parent asks for help with a typical teen behavior and it's WHAT TRAUMA HAPPENED?! Sometimes kids just don't like college. Sometimes they don't like a particular college and want to transfer, sometimes they find college isn't what they expected. Sometimes they just weren't ready for it, or decide their chosen path isn't the right one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure there’s not some triggering event or trauma that’s behind the reluctance to return. Like an assault, roommate or friend who hooked up with bf/gf, bullying/humiliation/ostracization, etc. I know people who experienced each of those that made returning really difficult at that age. More than just not finding one’s group, and may require some time to see through to a different plan.

Great post. 100% agree.

OP: Talk to your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure there’s not some triggering event or trauma that’s behind the reluctance to return. Like an assault, roommate or friend who hooked up with bf/gf, bullying/humiliation/ostracization, etc. I know people who experienced each of those that made returning really difficult at that age. More than just not finding one’s group, and may require some time to see through to a different plan.

Goodness, what people jump to. The teen forum is like this, many times a parent asks for help with a typical teen behavior and it's WHAT TRAUMA HAPPENED?! Sometimes kids just don't like college. Sometimes they don't like a particular college and want to transfer, sometimes they find college isn't what they expected. Sometimes they just weren't ready for it, or decide their chosen path isn't the right one.

The post that you criticized was reasonable and realistic. Your post is shallow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to be supportive but I really don't want them to leave this school. They just didn't find their place. I want them to give it another shot (good scholarship, good school) but want to respect their decision not to return. I'm afraid if they take time off they might not return anywhere. Anyone else have a similar experience and can give me some perspective? They are coming home soon and I want to be prepared for what steps I need to take/help them take.

OP: If your son/daughter is at a small school, please listen carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure there’s not some triggering event or trauma that’s behind the reluctance to return. Like an assault, roommate or friend who hooked up with bf/gf, bullying/humiliation/ostracization, etc. I know people who experienced each of those that made returning really difficult at that age. More than just not finding one’s group, and may require some time to see through to a different plan.

Goodness, what people jump to. The teen forum is like this, many times a parent asks for help with a typical teen behavior and it's WHAT TRAUMA HAPPENED?! Sometimes kids just don't like college. Sometimes they don't like a particular college and want to transfer, sometimes they find college isn't what they expected. Sometimes they just weren't ready for it, or decide their chosen path isn't the right one.

I was unhappy at the SLAC I attended my freshman year of college. But I didn’t just announce to my mom vaguely that I wanted to quit school….I started looking into the transfer process ASAP and worked my butt off to make that happen. I think other posters are onto something that OP should at least consider

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to be supportive but I really don't want them to leave this school. They just didn't find their place. I want them to give it another shot (good scholarship, good school) but want to respect their decision not to return. I'm afraid if they take time off they might not return anywhere. Anyone else have a similar experience and can give me some perspective? They are coming home soon and I want to be prepared for what steps I need to take/help them take.

Why do you think they would just quit school entirely? If you are thinking that then maybe this school is too
competitive and not the right environment. It would talk to your child and consider other schools. Transferring is not a big deal today. Please do not make it a big deal.