Decision time: balancing concern for the kids with managing an overly controlling and critical partner

[Anonymous]

So my husband is a nice guy in general, but has often - but especially since our children were born - had a tendency to be relentlessly critical and fly into a rage (not physical) if I happen to have a different opinion than he does, even if I immediately say I'm happy to go with his preference. He never apologizes. It's stressful, but I can handle it. I just have a special, related dilemma around one of my kids right now, and I'm not sure how to handle it, given these facts.

When I say critical and controlling, this is what I mean: Sometimes he criticizes me for doing things I actually haven't done, or for not doing things I very objectively have done. Sometimes he criticizes me for doing things which I haven't done, but he has. Sometimes he criticizes me for doing something one way, and the next day criticizes me for doing it the opposite way. Sometimes he criticizes me for doing something the way the rest of the world does it, which happens to be differently than he would. I'm responsible for all administrative tasks in our home - purchasing and monitoring literally every necessary item (food, clothing, furniture, books, diapers, toilet paper, saran wrap, dish soap, q tips, you name it) that enters the house, paying every bill from the mortgage to the internet, filing all taxes, arranging every appointment, filling out every form, coordinating all vacation logistics down to packing every item for the whole family. And if anything beyond my control goes wrong on any of these fronts, I get blamed, loudly. He also - despite being in a low-paying profession and completely broke, with no retirement savings - informed me shortly after our last child was born that within five years, he was going to leave me to open a surf resort in Southeast Asia, and I am an "awful person" for not being as excited about this idea as he is. He reminds me of this upcoming event whenever he gets particularly angry, which is at least once a week, for a different reason each time. And so on. He needs to feel in control and right all the time, and so there has to be a person who is wrong, and that person is me. He calls me "lazy" for thinking we should vacuum once a day rather than several times a day and "nuts" for following manufacturer instructions on car seat security, and said I "don't love (my) children" because I don't put glossy paper in the recycling bin, per building instructions (which he's never read.)

Having grown up in a household with a father who was like this - because: of course - I know there's no winning, and no fixing it. As long as he doesn't aim any of this at the kids, just me, I can handle it. My only real dilemma comes when his opinions could have a bad effect on the children - when they run counter to scientific consensus, medical advice, life-or-death product safety instructions, and so on. He has to be right about everything - including things which, objectively, other people know more about. I tend to humor it. But now I find myself with a dilemma on this front involving one of our children, and I'm not sure how far to push it...

I had a physical complication in the first trimester that has the potential to result in delayed development in a child (it usually doesn't - but it can.) In addition, my husband and I are both older, which is another potential factor in delayed development. When our youngest child passed 16 months of age, he still hadn't taken a step or said a word besides his sibling's name. Now, technically one or the other delay is within the bounds of normal, but both at the same time seemed like a possible red flag, especially since he didn't seem to react to questions or instructions or even his name. I reached out to his pediatrician, also listing all the good signs (he's very affectionate and makes regular eye contact! uses multiple gestures often to communicate! has great fine motor skills!), hoping she'd say everything was fine. She ran through the ASQ and said he was badly behind in every area, and said she was going to recommend him to Early Start to get assessed immediately. I'm not panicked about this - best-case scenario, he develops differently than other kids but winds up in the same place soon. Next best scenario, he needs a bit of special help to get started, but catches up. Worst-case scenario, he needs special help indefinitely, or can't progress. No matter what, my priority is figuring out what he needs and getting it to him. We were told the appointment could take months to arrange, but one popped up much, much sooner than expected, so I grabbed it. In the meantime, my son is still not speaking - with heavy repetition, there are occasionally a range of 2 or 3 words we can pull out of him - though he says nothing independently, it's not clear he knows what any of the 2 or 3 words he very occasionally repeats mean, and most days he doesn't use any words at all. Thankfully, he has started taking a few steps here and there, though his legs tend to collapse under him after a step or two and he still crawls 99% of the time.

I recognize that this whole conversation is anxiety-causing for my husband. But he's gone next-level on this, even for him. He's threatened me with divorce several times over the idea of having an assessment, called me a "liar" (because he's convinced himself I'd said we'd wait until our son was 18 months to seek this sort of guidance - which was a vague idea I'd mentioned before the doctor said very emphatically that we should not wait) who "refuses to be a partner" (because I haven't immediately done what he ordered me to do, which was to "cancel this appointment right now, or else there will be consequences.") He's also called me a "stupid, stupid, stupid moron. There's no other word for it, that's what you are" for agreeing to the assessment and said that if I don't cancel, he "won't allow those people in my house."

Honest question: in this situation, would you go through with the appointment (maybe at daycare instead of home) or not? If you did go through with it, would you tell your partner it had happened or not? Is this worth blowing up my marriage over, or am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

This isn’t a safe marriage. You need the assessment appt, but first you need to find a safe way to leave him. Call a DV helpline - leaving is the most dangerous time.

Your dad was like this so you married one. If you don’t leave, your kids will marry someone like this too and you want better for them.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is not a nice guy, and this dynamic sounds horrific. Separate from the assessment, which you have every right pursue, why are you in this relationship?

[Anonymous]

Your husband isn't a nice guy to you or your kids. His abuse may not be targeted at them yet but witnessing it is just as bad in a different way.

12:04 is correct that you need to speak with a DV specialist.

[Anonymous]

OP are you and your husband American? I'm asking as an immigrant myself.
Maybe if you're from an ultra conservative/patriarchal culture your husband sounds not so nutty but here in the US he sounds psycho from what you've posted in your OP.

You need to get your kid assessed but make sure to contact the DV hotline in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you and your husband American? I'm asking as an immigrant myself.
Maybe if you're from an ultra conservative/patriarchal culture your husband sounds not so nutty but here in the US he sounds psycho from what you've posted in your OP.

You need to get your kid assessed but make sure to contact the DV hotline in the meantime.

OP here...he's not American, but I am. Yes, he comes from a patriarchal culture, but he himself seemed very feminist...until we had kids.
I also suspect he may be borderline on the spectrum (he's in a profession where many/most of his colleagues are neurodiverse men, and he fits right in.)

I'm thinking about the health of the marriage long term - that's obviously a tougher conversation - but my immediate concern is how I can best take care of my son under the current circumstances. I've never, ever lied to my husband or withheld information from him - he's accused me of it countless times, but it's never been true. The idea of doing it now, no matter the motivation, feels problematic on many levels. And yet - I'm not sure what else to do, given that I'm not going to make a decision about my marriage in the next 48 hours (before the appointment)...and even if I did, he'd still be a parent insisting his child not participate in a medical assessment, so I don't know how I'd get around that. Is cancellation my only option?

[Anonymous]

As you know, it can take months to get appointments related to delays and neurodivergence. And it's much better to be diagnosed as early as possible.

You won't be blowing up your marriage over this appointment. YOUR MARRIAGE IS ALREADY BLOWN UP.

You MUST at least start with individual therapy ASAP. What you described is not a normal or acceptable way to interact within a marriage. I don't think you understand how abusive it is.

[Anonymous]

OP, you must get your child an evaluation and NOT cancel the appointment. If he needs interventions, you must do that too.

You seem very co-dependent and in need of DV counseling. In the meantime, Coda.org may help.

Do not quit your job or isolate yourself from support networks.

Your husband may have ASD but may also have other mental illnesses, you mentioned anxiety, there could be OCD, etc. You cannot let a mentally ill person have veto power over your children's development and well being. You were given medical advice, follow it.

A DV support group could help break through your denial. Marriages in which one partner is ASD are very difficult to maintain.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes he criticizes me for doing things I actually haven't done, or for not doing things I very objectively have done. Sometimes he criticizes me for doing things which I haven't done, but he has. Sometimes he criticizes me for doing something one way, and the next day criticizes me for doing it the opposite way. Sometimes he criticizes me for doing something the way the rest of the world does it, which happens to be differently than he would. I'm responsible for all administrative tasks in our home - purchasing and monitoring literally every necessary item (food, clothing, furniture, books, diapers, toilet paper, saran wrap, dish soap, q tips, you name it) that enters the house, paying every bill from the mortgage to the internet, filing all taxes, arranging every appointment, filling out every form, coordinating all vacation logistics down to packing every item for the whole family. And if anything beyond my control goes wrong on any of these fronts, I get blamed, loudly. He also - despite being in a low-paying profession and completely broke, with no retirement savings - informed me shortly after our last child was born that within five years, he was going to leave me to open a surf resort in Southeast Asia, and I am an "awful person" for not being as excited about this idea as he is. He reminds me of this upcoming event whenever he gets particularly angry, which is at least once a week, for a different reason each time. And so on. He needs to feel in control and right all the time, and so there has to be a person who is wrong, and that person is me. He calls me "lazy" for thinking we should vacuum once a day rather than several times a day and "nuts" for following manufacturer instructions on car seat security, and said I "don't love (my) children" because I don't put glossy paper in the recycling bin, per building instructions (which he's never read.)

Having grown up in a household with a father who was like this - because: of course - I know there's no winning, and no fixing it. As long as he doesn't aim any of this at the kids, just me, I can handle it. My only real dilemma comes when his opinions could have a bad effect on the children - when they run counter to scientific consensus, medical advice, life-or-death product safety instructions, and so on. He has to be right about everything - including things which, objectively, other people know more about. I tend to humor it. But now I find myself with a dilemma on this front involving one of our children, and I'm not sure how far to push it...

This kind of erratic and gaslighting behavior would destabilize anyone, OP, but your children need you to not act like DH's behavior is "normal." It is not. Perhaps the child's issues were caused by something in pregnancy, but a likely factor is DH's genetic contributions re: ASD, etc.

You are so far gone yourself that you are considering ignoring medical advice re: a child to try to appease someone who you admit is mentally ill. You have got to get yourself together re: your childhood trauma and your current situation. I suggest EMDR and a DV support group. Hearing others speak about their situations can help you see how insane and crazy making yours is. That you think this is ok for kids is a sign you need real professional help.

[Anonymous]

You are not handling this situation. This is not a criticism, there's just no possible way you could handle this situation because of how abusive your husband is.

[Anonymous]

Please OP, please keep this appt. And make an appt for yourself for counseling. I get why you have worked yourself into this place - I myself have stayed with someone who has cheated twice - but you are so deeply intertwined you cannot even voice /write that you are in an abusive relationship that has deep implcations for you and your children.

Your pediatrician was concerned. Delays in EVERY AREA. That is enough to keep this appointment.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. He is trying to scare and control you with the threat of divorce and not letting the assessors in house. My DH makes similar threats and I've learned to threaten to expose his behavior to people on the outside. This is the only thing that makes him back off because he wants to come off as such a wonderful dad.
Calmly tell him the pediatrician is concerned and it is now documented in records. If DH would like the appt canceled, he can call and explain this to the Early Start people. If your child ends up needing help later, he is the responsible party for delaying it. If he doesn't cancel the appt, then he can be present on day of appt and he himself can ask them to leave. If he's like my DH, he talks a big game but is charming and on his best behavior around others.
Seriously thought, just stop debating it with him. He's just looking for reasons to be mad at you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t a safe marriage. You need the assessment appt, but first you need to find a safe way to leave him. Call a DV helpline - leaving is the most dangerous time.

Your dad was like this so you married one. If you don’t leave, your kids will marry someone like this too and you want better for them.

+1

OP, your husband is not a "nice guy." He is a dangerous, potentially violent and definitely verbally abuse man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you and your husband American? I'm asking as an immigrant myself.
Maybe if you're from an ultra conservative/patriarchal culture your husband sounds not so nutty but here in the US he sounds psycho from what you've posted in your OP.

You need to get your kid assessed but make sure to contact the DV hotline in the meantime.

OP here...he's not American, but I am. Yes, he comes from a patriarchal culture, but he himself seemed very feminist...until we had kids.
I also suspect he may be borderline on the spectrum (he's in a profession where many/most of his colleagues are neurodiverse men, and he fits right in.)

I'm thinking about the health of the marriage long term - that's obviously a tougher conversation - but my immediate concern is how I can best take care of my son under the current circumstances. I've never, ever lied to my husband or withheld information from him - he's accused me of it countless times, but it's never been true. The idea of doing it now, no matter the motivation, feels problematic on many levels. And yet - I'm not sure what else to do, given that I'm not going to make a decision about my marriage in the next 48 hours (before the appointment)...and even if I did, he'd still be a parent insisting his child not participate in a medical assessment, so I don't know how I'd get around that. Is cancellation my only option?

You cannot sacrifice your son for your husband. You chose to bring your son into the world and it is your obligation to do right by him, including if that involves lying to your husband (and for that matter, ending the marriage).

[Anonymous]

Have you posted before? Everyone told you last time that your husband is an abusive a-hole, are you going to listen this time or continue to excuse it with his cultural background and “neurodivergent” personality?