Do I just let my kid quit and fail?

[Anonymous]

I have a 13yo 7th grade DS who started middle school this year. This is a boy who was good at everything during preschool and elementary. He has always been Mr. Social making friends everywhere. He learned to read on his own at a young age, was a puzzle whiz and got flagged gifted in kindergarten. He loved chess and science. He has always gotten perfect grades and test scores with no effort. Whenever he does anything, it always comes easy for him and he immediately became one of the best.

In the past six months, his behavior has gone from a friendly happy boy to irritable and completely defiant. It has become increasingly more difficult to get him to do anything whether it is basic chores, chores he has done his whole life to doing anything with the family. He does not want to eat with us to a restaurant, even at his favorite places. He refused to go to his sister’s recital or brother’s tournament.

He doesn’t want to go or do any of the sports he played his entire life. This boy has played soccer since preschool and claims he hates it. He has played golf and tennis since kindergarten and is so talented and it is like pulling teeth trying to get him to go to his expensive lessons. I have to force him to go to tennis matches and tournaments. He constantly says he is tired.

We went on a few big trips in the past year and during spring break, he complained the entire time and declared he will not be going on any large international trips. He does not want to go on our three week summer vacation.

His grades are good, not perfect. He has As and Bs. I don’t think he has any disciplinary problems at school as the school has never contacted us. Friendships seem to be shifting but when I see him with others, he is smiling and looks ok. He has gone to around 20 birthday parties this past year and his recent birthday party was well attended.

School recently had a drug prevention parent meeting and DS shows signs for every red flag. I have not seen anything that looks suspicious yet.

Would you just let DS quit everything he did his whole life?

Would you let him skip the summer vacation?

I am so tired of fighting with him. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

The latest fight was that he didn’t want to go to school because they aren’t doing anything this week. It is the end of the year so probably no new material. I don’t doubt that he isn’t learning much this week. He only wants to go to the fun events and field trips.

[Anonymous]

This might be the beginning of a mental health issue (anxiety, depression, adhd, etc…) I would talk to his pediatrician or consider taking him to a therapist. My DD started this way and she is now diagnosed with all the above. On meds.

[Anonymous]

I would listen to him about the soccer/golf/tennis.

But also explain that his day can't be scrolling on his phone or playing fortnite all day either (not that you mentioned those things, but that often seems to be the case at this age)

And then, in turn, you need to be open minded about what he may want to do. At this age, its 100% normal for boy's interests to change. You couple that with their image of what type of teenager/man they want to be, and they'll often start to express interest in more stereotypical masculine things.

So he may be interested in, or you should show support if he asks about:

- fishing
- hunting
- tackle football
- sparring (BJJ/wrestling/boxing)
- strength training

To be fair, my son went through something similar around age 12, and found new hobbies and passions, some of which I mentioned above. He no longer wanted to do robotics and play soccer. He's poured himself into wrestling instead and we've seen emerge from his shell again now at 15.

And then, on the flip side, there's an element of "this is normal for this age." But try to meet him halfway by asking him why he no longer wants to do certain things.

oh, and yes, he has to go on the family vacation. that's not even on the table for negotiation.

[Anonymous]

I also think a psychiatrist or therapist would be helpful. A lot changes at puberty and his hormones might be all over the place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would listen to him about the soccer/golf/tennis.

But also explain that his day can't be scrolling on his phone or playing fortnite all day either (not that you mentioned those things, but that often seems to be the case at this age)

And then, in turn, you need to be open minded about what he may want to do. At this age, its 100% normal for boy's interests to change. You couple that with their image of what type of teenager/man they want to be, and they'll often start to express interest in more stereotypical masculine things.

So he may be interested in, or you should show support if he asks about:

- fishing
- hunting
- tackle football
- sparring (BJJ/wrestling/boxing)
- strength training

To be fair, my son went through something similar around age 12, and found new hobbies and passions, some of which I mentioned above. He no longer wanted to do robotics and play soccer. He's poured himself into wrestling instead and we've seen emerge from his shell again now at 15.

And then, on the flip side, there's an element of "this is normal for this age." But try to meet him halfway by asking him why he no longer wants to do certain things.

oh, and yes, he has to go on the family vacation. that's not even on the table for negotiation.

Also, don't put him on meds. He's showing normal 13 year old boy behavior. dont do the meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might be the beginning of a mental health issue (anxiety, depression, adhd, etc…) I would talk to his pediatrician or consider taking him to a therapist. My DD started this way and she is now diagnosed with all the above. On meds.

He often is forgetful and leaves items behind like sneakers, water bottle, binder, coats, sweatshirts, etc. I have thought he had ADHD in the past. I wanted to have him evaluated but Dh said he was a normal 12 year old and that lots of boys leave basketballs and sweatshirts behind. My other two kids are not like this at all. We parent the three kids the same. This 13yo is the only one like this and having this extremely difficult behavior.

[Anonymous]

You left out something that makes it impossible for the random internet stranger to give on opinion.

How much agency does he have in his life? Has that amount adapted to his becoming an adolescent?

Not agency in whether he goes to school, but in things like what activities he pursues and if he is allowed to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be the beginning of a mental health issue (anxiety, depression, adhd, etc…) I would talk to his pediatrician or consider taking him to a therapist. My DD started this way and she is now diagnosed with all the above. On meds.

He often is forgetful and leaves items behind like sneakers, water bottle, binder, coats, sweatshirts, etc. I have thought he had ADHD in the past. I wanted to have him evaluated but Dh said he was a normal 12 year old and that lots of boys leave basketballs and sweatshirts behind. My other two kids are not like this at all. We parent the three kids the same. This 13yo is the only one like this and having this extremely difficult behavior.

Boys leaving things behind is very typical. My very organized teen daughter does this sometimes too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would listen to him about the soccer/golf/tennis.

But also explain that his day can't be scrolling on his phone or playing fortnite all day either (not that you mentioned those things, but that often seems to be the case at this age)

And then, in turn, you need to be open minded about what he may want to do. At this age, its 100% normal for boy's interests to change. You couple that with their image of what type of teenager/man they want to be, and they'll often start to express interest in more stereotypical masculine things.

So he may be interested in, or you should show support if he asks about:

- fishing
- hunting
- tackle football
- sparring (BJJ/wrestling/boxing)
- strength training

To be fair, my son went through something similar around age 12, and found new hobbies and passions, some of which I mentioned above. He no longer wanted to do robotics and play soccer. He's poured himself into wrestling instead and we've seen emerge from his shell again now at 15.

And then, on the flip side, there's an element of "this is normal for this age." But try to meet him halfway by asking him why he no longer wants to do certain things.

oh, and yes, he has to go on the family vacation. that's not even on the table for negotiation.

Now that I think of it, the behavior started changing with the phone. He has Fortnite and other video games but I don’t think he plays excessively. He usually plays if his friends are online. Even Fortnite he doesn’t seem to be playing with friends anymore. The kid seems to have changed overnight a few short months ago. He was a grumpy tween and then he turned 13 and we went away on vacation and he came back as a stranger. I truly don’t recognize him anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would listen to him about the soccer/golf/tennis.

But also explain that his day can't be scrolling on his phone or playing fortnite all day either (not that you mentioned those things, but that often seems to be the case at this age)

And then, in turn, you need to be open minded about what he may want to do. At this age, its 100% normal for boy's interests to change. You couple that with their image of what type of teenager/man they want to be, and they'll often start to express interest in more stereotypical masculine things.

So he may be interested in, or you should show support if he asks about:

- fishing
- hunting
- tackle football
- sparring (BJJ/wrestling/boxing)
- strength training

To be fair, my son went through something similar around age 12, and found new hobbies and passions, some of which I mentioned above. He no longer wanted to do robotics and play soccer. He's poured himself into wrestling instead and we've seen emerge from his shell again now at 15.

And then, on the flip side, there's an element of "this is normal for this age." But try to meet him halfway by asking him why he no longer wants to do certain things.

oh, and yes, he has to go on the family vacation. that's not even on the table for negotiation.

I completely agree with this post. Obviously going to school is non-negotiable as is a family vacation (He can't stay home alone at age 13).

I also want to gently suggest he sounds very spoiled. There are millions of kids around the world who toil in fields rather than going on vacations, going to school, and spending their time playing soccer, golf, and tennis. Maybe he needs a camp or experience that will expose him to how most people in the world live. It will help him appreciate what he has at home.

[Anonymous]

He’s probably vaping lol

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a 13YO. I would talk to him about quitting his sports. Ask him what he wants to do to fill his time (sitting on the couch is not an acceptable substitute). Don't do this when you're trying to get out the door or in the middle of a big power struggle. He's exercising his independence and you need to consider his opinions.

Family vacations are not optional. You didn't give any details on what the trip is and if there are things that would be of interest to your kid. Not everything has to be about him and his interests but I do aim for a mix of activities. Teens do like more downtime so I plan more chill time or if I plan something I know they hate I allow them to stay in the hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He doesn’t want to go or do any of the sports he played his entire life. This boy has played soccer since preschool and claims he hates it. He has played golf and tennis since kindergarten and is so talented and it is like pulling teeth trying to get him to go to his expensive lessons. I have to force him to go to tennis matches and tournaments. He constantly says he is tired.[/b]

We went on a few big trips in the past year and during spring break, he complained the entire time and declared he will not be going on any large international trips. He does not want to go on our three week summer vacation.

He probably is tired -- he's playing soccer, golf, and tennis? That's a lot. And I saw this as a parent who had a son crazy about sports and tried everything. But not all at the same time.

And for the trips, that also seems like a lot too. Three week summer vacation? He probably doesn't want to be away from friends, or his home for that long. If it was just once a year, but it sounds like your family is ripping and running constantly. How old are your other kids?

[Anonymous]

You said “ He was a grumpy tween and then he turned 13 and we went away on vacation and he came back as a stranger. I truly don’t recognize him anymore.”

What happened on that vacation? Did someone hurt him? Many kids shut down after a trauma and parents don’t know it happened.

You also said he changed with the phone. Did he see something that traumatized him? I know many adults still working through traumatizing internet exposures.

Don’t call him spoiled. He needs help.