At my Wit's End.

[Anonymous]

I've reached a point in dealing with my 14-year-old son that I haven't reached in the past. Since elementary school, it's been a cycle of ups and downs, from public to private school and back to public school. He is now in 8th grade, only six weeks from the end of the school year, and it all seems to be falling apart. Everything is caused by social skills, impulsiveness, resilience, and frustration tolerance issues he has.

From childhood, I've had him in everything I could think of: KKI Behavior Management Clinic (graduated with flying colors), weekly therapy, a therapeutic summer camp-Camp Sequoia for the past two years (had a great time voted president of his division), and Resilience Builders with Alvord Baker. He'll go months or even a year with no issues and then suddenly melt down (socially motivated), which makes it super tough. He has a diagnosis of ADHD and anxiety. He's super bright, but recently, school has taken more work for him- he's still getting A's and B's, but it takes a lot of prompting from me to get there.

He always does fantastically when he first meets people, and when school starts. He is smart, helpful, and friendly until some social issue happens, and he melts down. The teachers are always shocked because he presents as neurotypical until he doesn't, and then it's too late because they haven't read his 504.

He has had a difficult school experience because of this, and it all came to a head in January when, socially, things seemed to fall off a cliff for him, and he hasn't been able to get on solid footing since then. He has extreme anxiety about school to the point where he calls me at least twice a week to come home early. His school acknowledges that there is a bullying problem, and he's been the target of some unkind things. The issue comes with his reaction to said things; he has been suspended twice for lashing out when other students are admittedly provoking the situation (calling him names, pushing, taunting), which is not okay on his part. His school sounds like a free-for-all (he's been choked, and a student threatened to kill him), but he definitely has an issue understanding and responding to typical middle school teasing. It really does sound crazy typing it out, but it's the reality at his public school.

We are getting him reevaluated because I feel like there might be more there. The social piece really makes me think it might be ASD, but no one has ever mentioned that as an option, and he's been tested twice. His IQ is very high, and he scores in the 90th percentile across all areas of testing, so I wonder if he's able to mask for months, and then it becomes too much, and he breaks down. He's recently medicated with Jornay for ADHD and Lexapro for anxiety, but they don't seem to be helping that much. I'm just venting because I really don't know what else to do to help him, and I am feeling like a failure.

[Anonymous]

I hear you -
We lived through my ADHD son having major melt downs at the end of the school year starting in 1st grade. He is similar profile with off the charts smart - but could not execute what was in his head onto paper.
Was on the smaller side and the target of bullying (Classic case of best friend from PreK who targeted him)
What did we do? Recognize that putting him in the school situation daily was not healthy. So created a plan on what he needed to be there for and did not make excuses to the school on why he was not going to stick around on any day. My note might be - Good afternoon, I am picking up my son at noon today because he is being bullied during PE daily and despite this being escalated to the school, nothing has change. Please reach out if you have any question.

Once we were able to help reset the system - as my kid was always tense during the school day - hey was able to engage in ways that worked for him. Imagine how you act when you are constantly stressed vs when something comes off your plate.
We did a lot of scaffolding through senior year in High School - stepping in when we saw the signs.
2nd semester of 12th grade - my kid has a bunch of good friends. High school enabled him to find things that he wanted to do - does your high school have an electric car club? robotics club? D&D club? Ultimate? Rock climbing? Places where it might be a little more accepting of the quirky personality and allow him to grow and engage at his pace.

Reminder - ADHD is typically 2 years behind maturity so right now you have a 6th grader engaging with an 8th grade peer group.

[Anonymous]

For ADHD meds, your kid should be able to articulate an almost immediate difference. If they don't realize it within 3 days, it is the wrong medication and go back to your Dr and get a different type of medication.

[Anonymous]

I’m very sorry to hear this. Special ed teacher here. I think you need to escalate your child’s needs to above the principal level. He may need a schedule change, or an escort in the hallway, an alternate place to eat lunch, or a school change. They can make changes if they are forced to by the central administration. I think you should sit down and ask your kid what are the three main stressors for him at school and then brainstorm how to manage them. Ask him what would make Tuesdays better. Maybe some unkind kid being absent, or no cooperative classroom group where one kid is mean, or no having to eat in the cafeteria. Try to get specifics, and he needs an area in the school building where he can go when stressed. Try to not take him home, because you don’t want school refusal to start. It’s possible there is a class where it feels out of control with student behavior to him and he needs to get out of that setting. Don’t worry about the grades.

[Anonymous]

OP I just wanted to send hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP here; thanks, everyone, for your replies. I'll definitely check in with him about what would be helpful and circle back to his school. I do think his meds need to be adjusted as well because his current ADHD medication doesn't seem to help with his impulsiveness. We're just trying to make it to the end of the school year!

[Anonymous]

Another point - try and not put your own observations into the conversation.
I posted higher up about my now 12th grader. He had a horrible 5th grade year and his only friend that year was the exchange student.
His elementary school is having a get together before everyone graduates from High School and we asked if he wanted to go. Guess what - he enthusiastically said yes.

[Anonymous]

I read this and think - he's been choked at school - wtf! What if you (or I) went to the gym or to work and someone called us names in the hallway and even once they choked us? That would be completely traumatizing and we would be scared at that place (the perp is still there every day) and have a high level of anxiety, which would be justified.

OP, the school environment has to be playing a very large part in your kid's meltdown. Pull him, please! Reset at a new school. Or raise hell that this is happening to your kid. Give your kid empathy and love. It honestly sounds like his behavior is quite justified. He's probably terrified on a daily basis. Sheesh.