Lost my temper
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Anonymous
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My 8 year old girl is super super defiant. I totally lost my temper today and now I feel like crap. Ugh.
She admits she doesn’t do things simply because she doesn’t like being told what to do. Generally I can deal with that but for things like the morning routine—where we have to get her and her siblings out the door so I’m not late to work—she will just dawdle purposely because I’ve asked her to get her shoes on or whatever. Dawdle to the point of lateness every morning. Anyway, just posting that I feel like a complete jerk because I yelled a ton at her this morning. I am kinda at the end of my rope. No clue how to handle. I try to be kind and firm and consistent but it makes no difference. Taking away privileges, promising prizes for being on time, begging, whatever. |
Anonymous
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I am not a yeller at all and haven’t yelled at my kids in 15 years, but I still think you should NOT WORRY ABOUT THIS. One time isn’t a big deal.
That said, pick her up and drag her into the car with her pajamas on, no backpack and no lunch. Don’t worry if she has no breakfast. Drop her off and let her eat what the cafeteria has to offer. Take her shoes in the car and hand them to her as she gets out of the car or onto the bus. You need to do it now, because in another couple of years, you won’t be able to pick her up anymore. You need to show her that you are not playing around. You don’t have to yell or be mean. Just March her to the car or bus on time every day regardless of her state (other than actual nakedness which might get you in trouble). In parallel, get her evaluated for ADHD. |
Anonymous
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Pretty much what PP said. Those that behave like 3 year olds, get treated like 3 year olds. Calmly, but put into car without shoes etc etc.
that said i raise my voice in the am at my two sometimes because they forget when to transition to tbe next thing and just dont hear the first 3 times i ask something. |
Anonymous
| We’ve all lost it. Just don’t do it every day. Just you feeling bad about it means you are a great mom. |
Anonymous
| OP here. thank you all for the good advice and encouragement. I truly appreciate it. |
Anonymous
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Stop telling her. Tell her once at night "I will be in the car ready to go at X time. If you aren't with me, I won't excuse your absence at school."
Then do just that. Get her siblings ready, and leave when you need to. |
Anonymous
Oh whoops. I mixed up posts. Sorry. Carry her to the car in whatever state she's in. Rather than tell her what to do give her a checklist with times. |
Anonymous
| I like checklists. My kids become obsessed with checking things off. I put about 7 things on there - I put whatever they struggle with the most on it (brush hair, not eat breakfast). I have one for morning and night. It's only a week long so I can adjust as needed. Once I got annoyed my daughter kept forgetting her library books and she came up with the idea to add it to the checklist. Also, I draw pictures of things they can't read. |
Anonymous
OP here, I like this--I'll come up with one today and see how that goes next week. |
Anonymous
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It's okay OP. Last night I got an email at 6pm necessitating me to very hurriedly put together a work project that wasn't supposed to be due until next week, and while I was working on it, my DD came into my office to complain loudly and shinily about how hungry she was (her dad was in the midst of making her dinner, which I'd started but had to shift my attention, and it would be ready in 5 minutes -- there was no reason for the whining at all and especially no reason for me to be the recipient of it) and I finally just lost it and said "will you please shut up? I am trying to focus and you are being a brat." I never talk to my kid that way, but in the moment it was true and I was just very stressed and tired.
I felt bad but also it was okay. I finished my project and later went in to read to her in bed for a bit. She learned that I have my limits (probably a good thing) and I made sure not to let the moment define our night. No one is perfect. Not you, not your DD. It will be okay. |
Anonymous
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eh.. I have teens, and I yell a lot. They tune me out now. They'll be fine.
I used to have so much guilt about it, but my kids have said it's nbd. They barely remember being 8. I acknowledge to them that I'm not a perfect mom, and I wish I had done things differently, but they said nothing I did was bad enough to feel guilty over, and that they think I'm a good mom. sniff. |
Anonymous
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I think it’s messed up that she deliberately defies you for no actual reason.
I would challenge her with thinking about that—ask her the benefit to her, what she gets out of it. How does it make her feel. Is it power she wants? Is it to mess up the family? Ask her how to be part of the solution since it’s only working for her and not for everyone else. |
Anonymous
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My kid is like this. Fiercely independent. Happy to put on his shoes, but only if he thought about it and not if it is a reminder from me.
But it drives me crazy to see him without the shoes. Is he about to do it? Did he forget? So my solution is if you are completely ready (done with x, whatever), by x time, you will never hear me. After that time, I’m assuming you forgot. Either preemptively tell me you se taking care of it, or I’m going to start reminding. |
Anonymous
| It's fine. Sometimes you need to yell. Kids are annoying and parents are human. we're not going to be on our best behavior 100% of the time |
Anonymous
I found that when I didn't yell, they'd just ignore me. 8 yr olds are quite defiant. My dad (who has 4 kids) said 7/8 yr olds are when they become much more difficult. |