Friendship conflict

[Anonymous]

DD 3rd grade had a first best friend this year. They are in the same class at public school. At first, all was great. Recently, there is a lot of conflict and stress. Like like the friend only wants to discuss one topic the whole day, her imaginary pet, and my kid cannot handle and ends up in tears. Other times, the kid impedes my kids walking, or pushes or pokes her, and my kid again ends up in tears or argument. DD vents to me at the end of the day. I have seen them interact and it ranges from fine to really bad.

I suggest maybe keeping some distance, and DD says the other kid follows her. Also, DD I know liked having a best friend and even though things are bad, I can see she has hope.

My questions: is my role mainly to listen and be supportive, or should I give advice? If the 2nd, what is the best advice here? Also, is this something that my kid could discuss with a school counselor, do they help kids figure out friendship strategies?

[Anonymous]

Does your daughter have any other friends?

One thing you can be proactive about is encouraging play dates with other kids and seeing if she clicks with anyone. You can also email the school and request that your daughter is not in class with this girl next year.

[Anonymous]

I have fourth grade twin girls and I have seen this as well. Friendships change SO MUCH at this time. One of my daughters wasn't in the same class as her "best friend" last year and they were so sad. This year they're in the same class and they're not really that close anymore.

To the extent that this other girl is pushing or poking your daughter, that's not ok. I would discuss this aspect with my kid - it is not ok to let someone do stuff like that to you and then offer some ray of hope that things will be ok only to end up being mean again. That is literally the cycle of abuse (and I'm not saying that this is abuse, but it's really bad thing to let your kid get accustomed to the cycle of someone being mean and then reeling them back in by being nice and then being mean again).

I would suggest encouraging your daughter to broaden her horizons. This year is almost over and next year the two of them might not even talk. Having a single best friend in a class at this age to me seems like trouble. They should be getting along well in groups and of course it's ok to prefer one person to others, but the friendship dynamics at this age are so fluid that someone is bound to be upset if they're tied to closely to only one person.

And if the pushing and poking keeps happening, your kid needs to say something. That kind of behavior is not ok.

[Anonymous]

My DD is the type that gravitates towards having a ‘best friend’. I was the same way as a kid. I don’t meddle in her friendships though. I do try to help her foster her other friendships by involving her in activities and hosting playdates. This way if the best friend situation goes sour, she still has other friends. That’s my one concern.

[Anonymous]

The pushing and poking is likely attention-seeking or intended to disrupt your DD from talking with other friends. Doesn't make it okay, but I think that's why.

[Anonymous]

Also maybe point out you can have a bunch of good friends: no one has to be designated best friend. There seems to be societal pressure to have one.

For example, my MIL bluntly asked my 4 yo niece, “Who’s your best friend?” Even though they live in different states and MIL would have no idea who the named person is, and what if she didn’t have one? Wouldn’t MIL asking in such a coarse way make the niece feel bad?

[Anonymous]

I'd encourage broadening her friendship circle. DD had a best friend in K, but the girls grew apart in 1st, and now, we are in 2nd, they don't interact at all. That's natural as kids find their circles, which by the way, remain fluid until later grades...

New activities could be a good way to meet new friends. Sports, girl/cub scouts, art after school classes etc.

[Anonymous]

I had to re-read your post, OP, because at first I thought you were describing a Kindergarten or 1st grade friendship. Your DD's friend sounds like some of my DD's friends at a much younger age. I think that your DD's friend is having a little bit of a struggle and her interactions with others aren't quite typical for her age. I'm not trying to criticize the friend, but validate the sense that you and DD might have that something is off about the friendship.

I agree with others that your DD needs to branch out, but she also needs more awareness of what a healthy relationship looks like. A good place to start is the American Girl Smart Girl's Guide series. They really helped my DD at that age and were recommended by DCUM posters. Start with the Friendship Troubles book and if your DD is receptive to that one, try the one about rumors and gossip. The books gave my DD the vocabulary to define what was going on during her school day and also unwind tricky friendship situations that felt uncomfortable but that she couldn't explain.

[Anonymous]

Tell your daughter how to stand up for herself when her friend does something she doesn't like such as pushing/poking/keeping her from walking (?)--all of which is not ok. She can't control what her friend talks about so if her friend chooses to discuss imaginary pet all day, she just needs to disengage/find someone else to play with/talk to.

Help her find some other friends. Even when all is good in the relationship, and especially when conflict/stress arises, it's generally not great to have just one "best friend" and no one else you can hang with.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for the incredibly helpful advice. I can work on the play dates and other activities and get those American girl books. I am also hopeful that a break over the summer might help, this kid is young for the grade, so maybe some time and maturity will help. Plus the separation.

When I picked DD up from school yesterday, she was brainstorming all the presents that she would make for this friend’s birthday, so I thought all was well.

Then later she shows me her arm with long red scratches on it. The kid punched her in the belly, scratched her arm enough that a teacher sent DD to the nurse. But because the kid apologized, my DD was willing to be friends again. The poster who talked about not getting comfortable with the cycle of abuse was really insightful. I told DD that she has to stand up for herself, and she said “so it’s my fault?” So this is something we have to talk about more.