How to repair?

[Anonymous]

DS 12 has become more aggressive to me lately. He’s a deeply feeling kid and has struggled a lot with emotional regulation at home. I sat down with him tonight to review several school assignments that were missing.

He refused to acknowledge the missing work. Saying I was wrong etc. He got so aggressive, banging his computer and yelling in my face. DH told me to “let it go” but I feel like it reinforced DS’s anger towards me so he got louder.

I couldn’t take it anymore and I hit him. It was absolutely wrong, I take full responsibility but after week upon week of being yelled at by him, I lost it.

I don’t know what to do from here. DS is in therapy and I am going to try and search for a family therapist for all of us. My younger child then started telling DS to “shut up” because they saw how disrespectful he was being.

I know I was not setting a good example of being unregulated myself but I just couldn’t take it anymore.

What other steps can I take to work on this? For me, for his for our family? I’m exhausted and so sad I let my own emotions/frustrations get to this point.

[Anonymous]

You are human, and you made a mistake. When things are calm, I would apologize and explain that was not the right reaction, and in no circumstance is getting physical ok. I would also explain this to your other children. 

We've had these battles with homework, and after speaking with the school, we decided to let homework go for awhile. It was just becoming too problematic for him, our family, and all our sanity. 

My husband and I also try to step in and give each other breaks. Whether that's doing the heavy lifting with our son or letting the other one take time for themselves (sleeping in or working out, whatever it is), I find that when I am tired and haven't had time for myself, I am more reactive. I will also make a point to text my husband or walk out of the room and say I need a break you need to handle. There are days where I have told my husband he needs to leave work early to deal with after school, dinner, and bedtime because I'm at my breaking point. And allow him to step in, even if I don't think his way of handling is correct. I've also worked really hard on letting go of some of my expectations. 

Also medication and, of course, therapy for our son and ourselves. It took us awhile, but the right medications helped with our son's aggression, and once we did, we saw a difference.