Happily married. Also find myself fantasizing about cheating.

[Anonymous]

I'm not going to, I have zero desire to blow up my good marriage, hurt my wonderful husband, or harm the loving family I've helped create for my kids.

But I'm going through some kind of hormonal thing and I'm insanely horny lately and have also developed an intense crush on a man in my orbit. Again, no interest in actually doing anything about it. But think about it all. the. time.

Has anyone been through this? Did it pass eventually? I'm almost enjoying it because it's been so long since I had that feeling of serious crush with strong physical attraction/chemistry. But it's also stressful because I feel a little guilty about the thoughts I'm having, and also worried that it's written all over my face.

Please tell me your stories of managing a midlife crush while happily married! I'm sitting here trying to work and instead engaging in some very cheesy fantasies and trying not to blush.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it, OP. I waded into that pool during my midlife crisis and ended up feeling used. Men love married women because they can use them and discard them. Feeling amazing for an hour compared to feeling discarded for days/weeks/months. It's better in your head than it will ever be in real life.

[Anonymous]

A fantasy is just that... a fantasy. Nothing about it is real, it's all in your mind. I fantasize a lot when I am horny, and in your 40s you are horny a lot. You can also give your husband that horny energy and if he's into it, maybe you will eventually find yourself fantasizing about him.

That said, how good is your marriage really? My crushes often come during a rough patch in my marriage. There were a lot of things that needed fixing at one point and the crush was a reflection of that.

If it's really bothering you, just go to therapy. You can do CBT or whatever and learn to control your thoughts better.

[Anonymous]

I am happily married and have random crushes on men all of the time. I always have since being a teenager and I’m over 50 now. Just stop obsessing over this one guy and look for other men to crush over too. It’s attraction but meaningless since I just acknowledge it to myself and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A fantasy is just that... a fantasy. Nothing about it is real, it's all in your mind. I fantasize a lot when I am horny, and in your 40s you are horny a lot. You can also give your husband that horny energy and if he's into it, maybe you will eventually find yourself fantasizing about him.

That said, how good is your marriage really? My crushes often come during a rough patch in my marriage. There were a lot of things that needed fixing at one point and the crush was a reflection of that.

If it's really bothering you, just go to therapy. You can do CBT or whatever and learn to control your thoughts better.

My husband is definitely already enjoying this horny phase so that's not an issue. And I am attracted to him and do think about him, but we've been together for nearly 20 years, so I don't know that it's possible not *fantasize* about him. He's right over there. I got him. He's not my fantasy, he's a reality.

I don't think the crush is the result of a marital issue. I think our marriage is in the best place it's been in years, actually. It wasn't bad before, but we had some down years during Covid and aftermath just due to too much time together, parenting very little kids, and being stressed. Since we got through that, I feel like we've been in a great place.

I am mostly asking if it will just run its course. Surely, like crushes I had when I was young, one day I'll start wondering what I was so excited about to begin with and the spell will be broken. I remember having a crush on a professor in college like that, and another on a classmate in grad school, and once it passed I couldn't even tell you exactly what it was that had made me crush on them to begin with. Hoping this one is like that.

In the meantime, I'm so distracted! It's very unproductive.

[Anonymous]

I fantasize about having an affair with Harry Styles on the regular. And I'm deeply in love with my gorgeous, kind, attentive husband. Fantasies are fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am happily married and have random crushes on men all of the time. I always have since being a teenager and I’m over 50 now. Just stop obsessing over this one guy and look for other men to crush over too. It’s attraction but meaningless since I just acknowledge it to myself and move on.

OP here. Can you expand more on this? I'm the sort of person who just doesn't really think of other men like that, since I'm married. Maybe a celebrity or something, but since I married my husband, it's like I turned off the part of my brain/body that process attraction to other men. Like in the same way you might just shut down attraction to your BIL or your best friend's spouse, because it's not acceptable.

This crush took me by surprise but I don't even know where to start thinking about crushing on other men. Most men I meet are dads of my kids' classmates and friends and I have no interest. My current crush was someone I met by happenstance who is totally outside my social circle. I think that was part of it. He met me as just a woman he'd never met before, not as "Larlo's mom" or "Jay's wife" or whatever. It's like he got to see a side of me most people don't see because I am normally in these roles/boxes that allow people to easily categorize me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it, OP. I waded into that pool during my midlife crisis and ended up feeling used. Men love married women because they can use them and discard them. Feeling amazing for an hour compared to feeling discarded for days/weeks/months. It's better in your head than it will ever be in real life.

My friend got used, dumped and then got caught. Husband divorced her. Older teens didn’t take it well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A fantasy is just that... a fantasy. Nothing about it is real, it's all in your mind. I fantasize a lot when I am horny, and in your 40s you are horny a lot. You can also give your husband that horny energy and if he's into it, maybe you will eventually find yourself fantasizing about him.

That said, how good is your marriage really? My crushes often come during a rough patch in my marriage. There were a lot of things that needed fixing at one point and the crush was a reflection of that.

If it's really bothering you, just go to therapy. You can do CBT or whatever and learn to control your thoughts better.

My husband is definitely already enjoying this horny phase so that's not an issue. And I am attracted to him and do think about him, but we've been together for nearly 20 years, so I don't know that it's possible not *fantasize* about him. He's right over there. I got him. He's not my fantasy, he's a reality.

I don't think the crush is the result of a marital issue. I think our marriage is in the best place it's been in years, actually. It wasn't bad before, but we had some down years during Covid and aftermath just due to too much time together, parenting very little kids, and being stressed. Since we got through that, I feel like we've been in a great place.

I am mostly asking if it will just run its course. Surely, like crushes I had when I was young, one day I'll start wondering what I was so excited about to begin with and the spell will be broken. I remember having a crush on a professor in college like that, and another on a classmate in grad school, and once it passed I couldn't even tell you exactly what it was that had made me crush on them to begin with. Hoping this one is like that.

In the meantime, I'm so distracted! It's very unproductive.

It will most likely run its course. If it doesn’t, just get some therapy. DO NOT act on it. Very common, NBD.

FWIW I didn’t have a crush on another guy until 15 years into my marriage. I was too busy with babies and school before then!

[Anonymous]

I had this happen in my late 40s and I told my husband about it. We kind of…enjoyed the crush together…and it helped me work through it faster. Still took about 18 months to get through the worst of it. Sounds weird, but it did help.

[Anonymous]

It’s great, just enjoy it and channel the physical energy into sex with your spouse. Crushes are fun.

[Anonymous]

I had this happen in my late 40s and I told my husband about it. We kind of…enjoyed the crush together…and it helped me work through it faster. Still took about 18 months to get through the worst of it. Sounds weird, but it did help.

Does he tell you about his crushes?

[Anonymous]

Don’t feel guilty about the thoughts you’re having. You’d be shocked, shocked! I tell you you! At the thoughts your husband has on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it, OP. I waded into that pool during my midlife crisis and ended up feeling used. Men love married women because they can use them and discard them. Feeling amazing for an hour compared to feeling discarded for days/weeks/months. It's better in your head than it will ever be in real life.

My friend got used, dumped and then got caught. Husband divorced her. Older teens didn’t take it well.

Wait, how did she get caught if the guy had already dumped her??

[Anonymous]

Ew