Teen and not great friend

[Anonymous]

We moved to a new neighborhood a few years ago so my son who is almost 15 now is friends with several kids in the neighborhood. They all play together hang out, sleep overs etc. My son knows I check his phone now and then as agreed to when I let him have a phone due to after school sports and coordination.

I was looking through one of his fiend’s texts and noticed one particular friend has been sending him very inappropriate messages especially over past couple months. My kid is south East Asian, friend is south Asian. His friend will keep calling my son the N word, call him derogatory names of the race of my son. Making dirty jokes about sex, and he is obviously gay, but also terrible animal jokes. My son never responds with any similar retort, just a lot of “ok dude” or “whatever” etc.

I know his parents as they are neighbors but don’t really hang out with them. I’m not sure it’s my place to call out his son to his parents. They seem to just let him do whatever now that the kids older brother is in college (he’s about 13.5). I don’t really know what I should do as this is one kid out of a larger friend group. I think they’ve been watching more violent or R rated movies together based on what I gathered in conversations.

I had a chat with my son in general about making better choices and not feel peer pressured to just do whatever with his friends. I’m actively trying to do more family time with him but it’s hard to keep him from his friends all the time. I know I can’t shield him from the world, but suggestions on how to steer my teen in more positive activities, and try to do less with one said friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved to a new neighborhood a few years ago so my son who is almost 15 now is friends with several kids in the neighborhood. They all play together hang out, sleep overs etc. My son knows I check his phone now and then as agreed to when I let him have a phone due to after school sports and coordination.

I was looking through one of his fiend’s texts and noticed one particular friend has been sending him very inappropriate messages especially over past couple months. My kid is south East Asian, friend is south Asian. His friend will keep calling my son the N word, call him derogatory names of the race of my son. Making dirty jokes about sex, and he is obviously gay, but also terrible animal jokes. My son never responds with any similar retort, just a lot of “ok dude” or “whatever” etc.

I know his parents as they are neighbors but don’t really hang out with them. I’m not sure it’s my place to call out his son to his parents. They seem to just let him do whatever now that the kids older brother is in college (he’s about 13.5). I don’t really know what I should do as this is one kid out of a larger friend group. I think they’ve been watching more violent or R rated movies together based on what I gathered in conversations.

I had a chat with my son in general about making better choices and not feel peer pressured to just do whatever with his friends. I’m actively trying to do more family time with him but it’s hard to keep him from his friends all the time. I know I can’t shield him from the world, but suggestions on how to steer my teen in more positive activities, and try to do less with one said friend?

Can you clarify what the bolded means? That the boy is using "gay" as an insult or you are making assumptions/judgments about his sexuality?

Aside from that, your son is 15 and already handling this correctly by not engaging and not making a big deal out of it. If it were my kid I would let him know I was proud of him for still being kind to the other kid who is pretty immature and annoying, but also let him know it's ok to try to distance himself if he chooses.

[Anonymous]

Is this a group chat or 1:1 text? It's good that your kid does not respond. You should let him know that he's dong the right thing there.

The only thing you can do is share your feelings, but not push too hard, otherwise, he'll rebel and go the other way.

I would not get the parents involved. They are 15; they make inappropriate jokes and comments. Think about when you were 15.

My 18 yr old DS and his friends insult each other and are mean to each other all the time. I asked DH if that was normal, and he said "yea, sort of".

[Anonymous]

Your 15 yr old son is texting with a 13 yr old? I'd have a talk with your son about how to shut down conversations that are inappropriate or make him uncomfortable. "Dude, stop calling me the N word. If you don't I'll block you." "Yo, enough with the animal sex already!"

[Anonymous]

OP here. A few clarifications. They are 1 year apart in age and have been neighborhood friends for 3+ years.

When I say I think he is obviously gay, I mean he can mentioned about doing things to my son to get him off.

Lastly the most disturbing part is what he says will do to my pets sexually. Anyway that’s when my son always calls him out and says will post him on social…but he never does, he doesn’t post and only views videos.

My son is fairly good A/B student. Does sports etc so otherwise a normal kid.

Anyways, just really annoyed at this one kid and it’s been bothering me since seeing all these text last night. Thanks for general suggestions. I do think my son is good at handling himself in general but hate having to deal with such negative energy so close by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. A few clarifications. They are 1 year apart in age and have been neighborhood friends for 3+ years.

When I say I think he is obviously gay, I mean he can mentioned about doing things to my son to get him off.

Lastly the most disturbing part is what he says will do to my pets sexually. Anyway that’s when my son always calls him out and says will post him on social…but he never does, he doesn’t post and only views videos.

My son is fairly good A/B student. Does sports etc so otherwise a normal kid.

Anyways, just really annoyed at this one kid and it’s been bothering me since seeing all these text last night. Thanks for general suggestions. I do think my son is good at handling himself in general but hate having to deal with such negative energy so close by.

So you don't think his parents would care that he's going on about sexually abusing animals. They must be very strange.

[Anonymous]

I would screenshot and send these to his parents. He is only 13, they need to lock down his phone and have a good chat. Absolutely no sleepovers with this kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. A few clarifications. They are 1 year apart in age and have been neighborhood friends for 3+ years.

When I say I think he is obviously gay, I mean he can mentioned about doing things to my son to get him off.

Lastly the most disturbing part is what he says will do to my pets sexually. Anyway that’s when my son always calls him out and says will post him on social…but he never does, he doesn’t post and only views videos.

My son is fairly good A/B student. Does sports etc so otherwise a normal kid.

Anyways, just really annoyed at this one kid and it’s been bothering me since seeing all these text last night. Thanks for general suggestions. I do think my son is good at handling himself in general but hate having to deal with such negative energy so close by.

So you don't think his parents would care that he's going on about sexually abusing animals. They must be very strange.
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Your clarification is terrifying — yes of course you should tell the 13 year old boy’s parents he is sending sexually explicit texts about abusing animals. That is a huge red flag of mental illness. Take screen shots. You should also contact the boys school counselor to see if he can be pulled in to counseling to see if he needs interventions. Something is very wrong.

[Anonymous]

What OP?????????

If true, this is out of bounds and you should contact his parents and tell your son to block him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What OP?????????

If true, this is out of bounds and you should contact his parents and tell your son to block him.

That’s what I’m thinking. He says it a couple times in joking way. But some things you just don’t joke about.

Also again hard to block one kid when this is a kid within larger friend group that all live within 2 blocks of each other.

I’m definitely going to have a chat with my son to limit time with this kid for sure, but more about broaching this with his parents will be sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Well whatever you do, keep an eye in your pets. I wouldn't just assume it was all talk, unless I really knew the kid.

[Anonymous]

Your OP said nothing at all about abusing animals or sexual acts with your son.

Why did you not lead with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your OP said nothing at all about abusing animals or sexual acts with your son.

Why did you not lead with that?

This is a large group of teen boys and they do a lot of s-it talking all the time, in person and online. I’m not trying to down play parts of it but it was a couple comments out of hundreds. Normally they just all go about their days, playing basketball, Fortnite or mine craft together like most other teens. I only saw this yesterday and trying to process move forward plan.

[Anonymous]

We are dealing with something similar and I’ve been struggling how to handle. DS is 12 and started a new middle school. F words fly in the group chat and yesterday one kid described to the group that he was pleasuring himself. Previous chats included a kid saying he loved slavery and another saying sexual things about kids.

We told DS he couldn’t be part of the group chat anymore even though he didn’t contribute. I don’t know these parents so I can’t even say anything if I wanted to.

What I did consider was asking DS to say something like “Guys do your parents monitor these texts?”. I was thinking that might spark some awareness to what some of the kids have been saying.

Good luck it’s hard and I can only sympathize. No other good suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are dealing with something similar and I’ve been struggling how to handle. DS is 12 and started a new middle school. F words fly in the group chat and yesterday one kid described to the group that he was pleasuring himself. Previous chats included a kid saying he loved slavery and another saying sexual things about kids.

We told DS he couldn’t be part of the group chat anymore even though he didn’t contribute. I don’t know these parents so I can’t even say anything if I wanted to.

What I did consider was asking DS to say something like “Guys do your parents monitor these texts?”. I was thinking that might spark some awareness to what some of the kids have been saying.

Good luck it’s hard and I can only sympathize. No other good suggestions.

Yeah, I keep reminding mine that anything they write can be viewed by anyone's parents, grandparents, or whoever might get ahold of the phone. Or it could all be screenshot or hacked and posted to the Internet.

For those reasons alone I think you should give the other parents a heads up. You don't need to go into detail, just recommend that they check out the chat since some things are going over the line.