Teen freezing up when there is a lot of schoolwork

[Anonymous]

My son is a freshman in highschool and while he is a good student he is really buckling under pressure. He has always been goal oriented and worked hard but now that workload has increased, sometimes there are multiple tests in a day, or teachers assign an unusually heavy workload in a short period of time, he just freezes. Just spins his wheels for hours, sometimes says he has a horrible headache, or his throat hurts (maybe its true) etc. I am at my wits end and ANGRY. I have taken him to the doctor, things are generally fine and he rarely follows doctors advice on how to improve things. I am worried that this could be something bigger and plan to have him talk to someone about potential anxiety, but has anyone had a kid behave like this? He is currently asleep after spending all day barely studying for 3 tests he has tomorrow, all which very important to his grade. He said he feels terrible. Maybe I am a horrible mom and he will wake up with a fever, who knows, but right now I am more angry than worried. One of his tests is a make up from being too sick to take it over a week ago. I have tried helping, taking away screen, being insanely patient and when he still makes excuses after all of my offers to help, I lose it. I just can't stand to watch him mess up his grades like this...he has never been this way before. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Stop being angry at him. It's useless, and he is angry at himself. Help him make a schedule of when to do what, in which order, and for how much time. He is overwhelmed. He needs your actual help, not punishments and yelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop being angry at him. It's useless, and he is angry at himself. Help him make a schedule of when to do what, in which order, and for how much time. He is overwhelmed. He needs your actual help, not punishments and yelling.

I know. I have tried to help so much, maybe too much. He gives me schedules, I give him schedules when he doesn't give them to me. I have gotten up with him at 5am to help him study because he's too tired/overwhelmed at night many times. I try and give a LOT. But sometimes none of it works and then there is no more time and he just won't do anything.

[Anonymous]

Get assessed for ADHD, arrange office hours or tutoring, push less and encourage more. He is a growing hormonal teen with stress and you are a loving parent who is an adult with a fully developed frontal cortex and life experience. You got this!

[Anonymous]

What happens when he wakes up tomorrow, still "feeling awful" and just can't go to school, but has no fever etc. It is just happening too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens when he wakes up tomorrow, still "feeling awful" and just can't go to school, but has no fever etc. It is just happening too much.

He has to go. But also, this sounds like anxiety which can 100% have physical manifestations.

[Anonymous]

Are you putting pressure on him to get good grades? Who would be more upset with a B or C?

[Anonymous]

This is OP and I put pressure on him when he doesn’t study or do his work. He can’t just not try but I am also incredibly patient until I just can’t be anymore. If he studies and tries, no I don’t put pressure. His school is stressful but if he stayed on top of things better it wouldn’t be that bad. He has to do that for himself though. I do completely think this is anxiety related but he does also have a low fever this am.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this could be anxiety, adhd, and/or low level demand avoidance. Regardless, I’d try to think of this as a mild (hopefully) disability, not a behavioral issue.

The fact that you give him schedules and it doesn’t help is what makes me think of demand avoidance. You are not solving the problem with a schedule, because a lack of schedule is not the real problem. There is a book called Low Demand Parenting and the following IG accounts might be helpful:

PDAnorthamerica
Lindsayisdoingherbest

Don’t worry about diagnosis or not, just see if anything resonates/if there are any nuggets

If it’s straight up ADHD, making schedules at 5am is way too late. You need to do the monthly and weekly planning and help him take small bites and spread it out.

Unfortunately, despite your great intentions, your emotions are part of the problem, and you are contributing to the overwhelm. I say this having done this myself.

Good luck, you can do this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, this could be anxiety, adhd, and/or low level demand avoidance. Regardless, I’d try to think of this as a mild (hopefully) disability, not a behavioral issue.

The fact that you give him schedules and it doesn’t help is what makes me think of demand avoidance. You are not solving the problem with a schedule, because a lack of schedule is not the real problem. There is a book called Low Demand Parenting and the following IG accounts might be helpful:

PDAnorthamerica
Lindsayisdoingherbest

Don’t worry about diagnosis or not, just see if anything resonates/if there are any nuggets

If it’s straight up ADHD, making schedules at 5am is way too late. You need to do the monthly and weekly planning and help him take small bites and spread it out.

Unfortunately, despite your great intentions, your emotions are part of the problem, and you are contributing to the overwhelm. I say this having done this myself.

Good luck, you can do this!

Thank you for this information. While I don't think he matches up with the descriptions of PDA I did follow the Instagram pages to see what does and does not connect. He typically does best with schedules and responsibility but this school year has been a lot more work, and he plays a sport also which impacts his time and energy. He has just needed prodding every step of the way and it became worse after the holidays. The first half of the year felt like an adjustment and the second half has just felt different. His grades have dropped and where he normally cares he is just stunned. He cares but is just not putting in the work consistently. I am working not to contribute to his stress but the solution can't be to let him not do the work so it's not easy.

[Anonymous]

Stop forcing him to take harder classes. He's obviously overwhelmed/burned out and now you're piling on to his mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop forcing him to take harder classes. He's obviously overwhelmed/burned out and now you're piling on to his mental health.

Ironically I think the opposite is part of the problem. His grades were not quite high enough to level into the classes he wants for next year and I think that reality (while not the worse lesson ever) is taking a big toll on him. He's a smart kid. His friends are smart kids and now he is relegated to the regular kid classes. He hasn't told me as much but I worry that the finality of that is what is causing this meltdown of sorts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop forcing him to take harder classes. He's obviously overwhelmed/burned out and now you're piling on to his mental health.

Ironically I think the opposite is part of the problem. His grades were not quite high enough to level into the classes he wants for next year and I think that reality (while not the worse lesson ever) is taking a big toll on him. He's a smart kid. His friends are smart kids and now he is relegated to the regular kid classes. He hasn't told me as much but I worry that the finality of that is what is causing this meltdown of sorts.

this happened to my kids with her extracurricular. got a little lazy, then didn't place at the highest level, and after that down spiraled (this took two years of constant prodding, extra coaching etc) to the point where she is about to abandon it completely.

[Anonymous]

Try not to fall into the trap that good grades and a good college are the sole purpose and goal of high school.
Right now, he has a situation he can't handle and its your job to help him through to the other side, not get angry or overly focused on results (grades).

[Anonymous]

Poor kid. This really sounds like anxiety-driven procrastinating. I’d find a well-trained therapist who can help with that. Can he drop any of the harder classes?