shy kid fitting in at a small school in 8th grade
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Anonymous
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How long did it take your shy kid to find their people at a small school?
The majority of the other kids have been together since k or 6th, but my kid is really struggling to find her people in 8th, feels left out, etc. I didn't realize how bad it was until we had a family grade event at the school and I saw her actively being excluded from conversation. (I didn't tell her that I saw this happen; I just agreed when she asked to go home early.) She's a strong athlete and plays 2 team sports, but that hasn't been enough to get her better integrated with the other kids. She has had many small group projects and those have gone well, but haven't really been an "in" either. She's a bit 'younger' than the others in that she is a bit of an old-fashioned 'Tom boy' (whatever that would be called these days). She's got a decent style sense, but doesn't wear crop tops or short shorts, makeup, or style her hair beyond the basics whereas most of the other girls seem to go the route of trying to look older than they are. She has a few friends outside of school, but this coming year her out-of-school friends will be even more scattered with family moves and school changes. I can tell that it is really hard for her to feel so lonely for so much of the week and that feeling is starting to weigh her down. She confides feelings here and there with me as her sounding board, but I have to be subtle in my responses and can't ask too many questions or she clams up...so, pretty typical teen there I think. But we do have a good, solid relationship overall. Any thoughts? Is there anything I could possibly to do support her beyond being her sounding board? Or, what have you done that has helped? |
Anonymous
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Poor kid. Fitting in is particularly hard at a small school because the options are so limited. If she doesn’t fit in with these types of girls I wonder if this school is the right fit.
Can she make a move to a larger school for high school? What attracted you to this school? |
Anonymous
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What grade did she enter?
What grade does the school start? What grade does the school end? Are there more students entering next year for 9th grade? |
Anonymous
| Coming in at eighth grade is really hard, but the year is almost over. I think next year and ninth grade will be much easier, especially if they’re a lot more new kids. |
Anonymous
| Why is she at this school? |
Anonymous
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She could try making friends with boys.
If this is a k-12 I’d move her for 9th, if there isn’t a significant influx of new kids for high school usually. |
Anonymous
| Roll of the dice. You are willing to have your DD take this chance? I hate small schools. No way to know. |
Anonymous
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She just started at this school this school year? Do they all move onto a high school for 9th grade?
My kids changed from public schools to a small Catholic school in 9th grade, they both started without knowing anyone. It wasn't until approaching mid-year in 10th grade that they each really found their people. They both also played a school sport, but it was still about a year and a half until they had really good friends. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you. This gives me hope! She just started this year and the school goes through high school. It's a great school and fits her needs academically (she's doing really well in her classes), gave us great financial aid, is close to our house, etc. It will expand a good bit in 9th and it is my understanding that most of the current kids will also continue on. I hope that with the new kids coming in with offer enough variety that she can find "her people". |
Anonymous
| Small schools are tough for some kids. How much larger does it get in 9th grade? |
Anonymous
It will grow by almost twice its current size. |
Anonymous
That should help a lot. If the guidance counselor is good, you can let them know your concerns and ask if they have suggestions. Sometimes they can help nudge kids feeling awkward or lonely toward each other. Other things that help are joining clubs that require working together to achieve a goal. E.g. not just something like chess which is competitive against each other, but something like Theater (including costumes and crew, which can be great for shy kids) where you have to work together over time to achieve something. Scouts (BSA or Girl Scouts) also can be great for tomboys. Mine loves the neighborhood Girl Scouts group and it's nice to have a group of friends outside of the school drama. |
Anonymous
| Honestly if just this class feeds to ninth grade - no influx from another school, I would ask her if she wants to change schools. Feeling lonely like that is very hard and if these kids have already been friends with each other all year and actively excluded her then keeping her with that same set of kids again sounds cruel. |
Anonymous
That should be fine then. Friendships often change anyway in 9th grade |