How to converse with insecure people

[Anonymous]

I was at a house party this weekend with a group of mostly professionals, artists, with differing political, religious, social views. The conversation turned to politics and religion. I thought it was a safe environment to have open discussion. It seems that a couple people reacted defensively to what I said and viewed it as a personal attack. I can’t understand it tbh. We were discussing ideas, how could they take it personally? And, they raised the topic.

When I spoke to a friend who was at the party about it, she said that some people are insecure and can’t handle it if they can’t control the narrative. I’m not really sure i quite understand what she means. For next time I find myself in a similar situation, I should just keep quiet, take a sip of my beverage and nod my head?

[Anonymous]

I suspect you come across as very set in your beliefs, and trying to educate them / convince them of your point of view, rather than listening with an open mind. If it starts feeling like a debate, then yes, step back and sip your drink. Or better yet, change the subject to something less controversial.

I mean, you could try actually listening with an open mind and considering their point of view. But if your OP is any indication, I think that'll be difficult.

[Anonymous]

Maybe don’t talk about politics or religion at a house party.

[Anonymous]

omfg

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was at a house party this weekend with a group of mostly professionals, artists, with differing political, religious, social views. The conversation turned to politics and religion. I thought it was a safe environment to have open discussion. It seems that a couple people reacted defensively to what I said and viewed it as a personal attack. I can’t understand it tbh. We were discussing ideas, how could they take it personally? And, they raised the topic.

When I spoke to a friend who was at the party about it, she said that some people are insecure and can’t handle it if they can’t control the narrative. I’m not really sure i quite understand what she means. For next time I find myself in a similar situation, I should just keep quiet, take a sip of my beverage and nod my head?

So here's my impression of what you just wrote above: you are well aware that you hold a polarizing belief on a particular topic - possibly a topic that has lately been all over the news. You want to be able to hold forth on this polarizing point of view and if other people are offended you call them insecure instead of internalizing that what you are saying may in fact be extreme and polarizing.

Self-awareness is a heck of a drug.

[Anonymous]

As a conservative republican living in this area and attending parties that commonly switch to politics, I know to just shut up and sit there. Ironically, I work in politics but even though I may know a lot about the topic, I have learned to keep my thoughts to myself as most discussions aren’t a conversation as much as a discussion to reaffirm current thoughts.

[Anonymous]

you were a guest at a party and dominated the discussion with your political views and did not read people's cues to adhere to social norms of avoiding politics and religion? And sought backup and have concluded that the other people are insecure? Vs polite?

Do you have a history of offending people? Sincerely, I would like to help you understand what happened here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you were a guest at a party and dominated the discussion with your political views and did not read people's cues to adhere to social norms of avoiding politics and religion? And sought backup and have concluded that the other people are insecure? Vs polite?

Do you have a history of offending people? Sincerely, I would like to help you understand what happened here.

No, I don’t have a history of offending people. Quite the contrary. This is an issue only with a handful of recent acquaintances who thrive on others’ weaknesses and submission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you were a guest at a party and dominated the discussion with your political views and did not read people's cues to adhere to social norms of avoiding politics and religion? And sought backup and have concluded that the other people are insecure? Vs polite?

Do you have a history of offending people? Sincerely, I would like to help you understand what happened here.

No, I don’t have a history of offending people. Quite the contrary. This is an issue only with a handful of recent acquaintances who thrive on others’ weaknesses and submission.

hahahhahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahaha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was at a house party this weekend with a group of mostly professionals, artists, with differing political, religious, social views. The conversation turned to politics and religion. I thought it was a safe environment to have open discussion. It seems that a couple people reacted defensively to what I said and viewed it as a personal attack. I can’t understand it tbh. We were discussing ideas, how could they take it personally? And, they raised the topic.

When I spoke to a friend who was at the party about it, she said that some people are insecure and can’t handle it if they can’t control the narrative. I’m not really sure i quite understand what she means. For next time I find myself in a similar situation, I should just keep quiet, take a sip of my beverage and nod my head?

Lol.

You were not brought up right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe don’t talk about politics or religion at a house party.

This.

OP has really poor manners.

[Anonymous]

I am guessing you threw some mirco-aggressions and are saying "they are just insecure" but until you reveal what it is you said, we will never know.

[Anonymous]

DC diplomacy 101:

1. NEVER discuss difficult subjects with people you haven't established a rapport with. That connection takes time, so not at a first meeting. I've successfully discussed very inflammatory topics with people from the opposing political side, because we managed to establish a friendship before getting into the weeds. A house party with people you've just met IS NOT A SAFE SPACE FOR AN IN-DEPTH DISCUSSION OF THE ISSUES. At most, if someone starts, you breathe in the general direction of the issues. How tragic. Shake head. Civilian deaths are so sad (which civilians? don't go there).

2. Corollary - when you do discuss sensitive topics, one-on-one is ALWAYS better. Otherwise people tend to perform for the group, mistakenly believing they need to take a stand, and drama ensues. I've had this happen in my living room when one friend suddenly took to task another of my friends they had just met that day. Same friend is much more measured one-on-one.

3. If you feel your remarks are landing poorly, know how to de-escalate and graciously exit the topic. Soften your position if you realize you've overstated something, or use self-deprecating humor to pivot to something else. Complimenting the offended party is obvious and transparent, BUT IT WORKS, even when they're aware you're placating them.

[Anonymous]

OP, sometimes a subject is not personal to you but IS personal to someone else. When you don't know people well, you have no idea what you might be stepping in by taking a really strong stance on a subject.

Like you might have what you think is a really smart, well-reasoned viewpoint on US funding of the war in Ukraine. But if the person you are talking to has family or close friends living in Ukraine or Russia, has direct personal experience with war, or some other personal connection to the issue, they are likely to view you as not fully understanding the subject, or treating it flippantly as an intellectual exercise when to them it is much more intimate.

If you don't understand this, you need to learn it. There is virtually no political or philosophical topic that can't become personally offensive if you are talking to someone who happens to have a unique or personal connection to it.

This is just the reality of talking to people you just met. Save the really intense political conversations for close friends or family who you know can handle the back and forth and won't take offense at your positions, even if they disagree with them. Learn to make lighter, more polite conversation with people you just met. This is what sports, entertainment, kids, hobbies, travel, etc., are for -- there are lots of interesting things to talk about that won't provoke people like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was at a house party this weekend with a group of mostly professionals, artists, with differing political, religious, social views. The conversation turned to politics and religion. I thought it was a safe environment to have open discussion. It seems that a couple people reacted defensively to what I said and viewed it as a personal attack. I can’t understand it tbh. We were discussing ideas, how could they take it personally? And, they raised the topic.

When I spoke to a friend who was at the party about it, she said that some people are insecure and can’t handle it if they can’t control the narrative. I’m not really sure i quite understand what she means. For next time I find myself in a similar situation, I should just keep quiet, take a sip of my beverage and nod my head?

Don't they say not to talk about politics and religion? It's because people have strong held beliefs almost akin to Mt Everest.