managing negative emotions about grieving relatives

[Anonymous]

My teenaged daughter and l will be visiting my hometown this summer as I take home leave between overseas assignments.  My elderly parents live there, as does my sister and her family.  One of her children called my daughter (who is biracial) a racist slur last summer, and we've maintained distance from them since.  It's more important to me to show my daughter that racism is never excusable even if it comes from a relative than it is to me to be nice to a little shithead who happens to be a family member.

Tragically, my sister's oldest child passed away last month -- pursuing an extreme sport that none of us, except for my sister, thought the child should be involved in. In fact, she and my mother had a huge argument just after New Year's during which my mother yelled at her that the kid was going to get himself killed. And it happened. So many of my relatives have said to me "I told her that this was going to happen -- but of course I'm not going to say anything now, that would just be cruel." I've communicated with my sister several times since the tragedy and have just listened actively and empathetically, not giving any views on whatever opinions I might have of the situation, instead just expressing how sorry I am for their loss and how much I, too, miss and mourn for their son. My daughter and I will be seeing my sister and her family to express condolences in person, visit the cemetery, etc. We're not forgetting what the other kid said, and our trust in that kid remains extremely low, but we're also not forgetting that that kid is grieving the loss of a sibling, so we won't be cold under the circumstances.

As the date of our arrival grows closer, I find myself having very strong emotions about seeing my sister and her family. (We didn't make it to the funeral because they announced the date less than two days before it took place, and I'm serving in a country where you need more time than that to get back to our West Coast hometown.) I'm feeling, justified or not, that my sister is a huge dumbass who has done an amazingly bad job as a parent. I know that it would be absolutely cruel to let those feelings show in any way. My prediction is that a lot of my relatives will be telling me in private that she's a dumbass who has done an amazingly bad job as a parent, and while it would be SO THERAPEUTIC to say "Yes, in confidence, I agree with you 110%," I also suspect that eventually someone's going to snap and tell her what they really think -- and list off the names of everyone who's ever said, in confidence, that we agree.

Any tips for managing my emotions while in my hometown? I feel so dishonest to be concealing my true thoughts, but I also feel like This Is Not The Time to be candid. As much as I disagree with my sister's choices, her grief is obviously overwhelming right now and clearly none of this should be "about me" -- right now it truly is about her and her spouse and surviving children.

[Anonymous]

Plan something to say to relatives who approach you? "I understand where you are coming from, but I'm not ready to have this conversation. I just want to focus on helping my sister and her family grieve."

On another note, did you ever address the racial slur issue with your sister/their child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plan something to say to relatives who approach you? "I understand where you are coming from, but I'm not ready to have this conversation. I just want to focus on helping my sister and her family grieve."

On another note, did you ever address the racial slur issue with your sister/their child?

The moment my daughter told me, I called my sister and told her. To her credit, both she and her husband were horrified. Not to their credit, they have apparently never taught their children how to make a good apology. Many days later they dragged the kid over and thrust the kid into the room where my daughter was reading a book; the kid mumbled "Sorry" and backed away. My sister and her husband believe that this was a sufficient apology.

I haven't spoken with the child directly about it because I was frankly too mad to trust myself not to say more than I should when the kid came over, and afterward I was on board with the idea of just not seeing them again. Racists do not deserve our time. I know the kid is a kid but the principle remains. My sister and I have never been close, so this wasn't an earthshaking or difficult decision.

Long after the apology, my daughter asked me if I thought the kid got it from the parents, that is, "if they're all talking about me like that behind my back." I said I'd be extremely surprised by that, especially given how shocked and appalled they were when I told them what the kid said. My sister happened to mention in a text shortly thereafter that she thought the whole thing was "between the kids" and resolved, and I said it's not though, because here's what my daughter just asked me about you. My sister never responded to that text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plan something to say to relatives who approach you? "I understand where you are coming from, but I'm not ready to have this conversation. I just want to focus on helping my sister and her family grieve."

Also -- this is excellent advice, and I thank you!

[Anonymous]

Okay, I lost a child 18 months ago so I’m far from objective. But the whole discussion of fault and bad parenting here is horrifying and heartbreaking and really beyond cruel.

Your sister has suffered a devastating loss. Please be a human being and put aside (1) whatever toxic comment was made by the young cousin to your own child and (2) your very petty and foolish thoughts that she should have controlled her child and prevented her child’s death. Your thoughts protect you and make YOU feel better, as if you are inoculated against death. You are not.

If you are wise, use this as a teachable moment for your child that whatever bad incident occurred with the other cousin in the past, that cousin is still deserving of support. And for godsake apologize for not moving heaven and earth to get to the funeral.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest you don't bring your child to the funeral. Then you can focus on your own behavior being socially appropriate and you know she won't have any weird interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I lost a child 18 months ago so I’m far from objective. But the whole discussion of fault and bad parenting here is horrifying and heartbreaking and really beyond cruel.

Your sister has suffered a devastating loss. Please be a human being and put aside (1) whatever toxic comment was made by the young cousin to your own child and (2) your very petty and foolish thoughts that she should have controlled her child and prevented her child’s death. Your thoughts protect you and make YOU feel better, as if you are inoculated against death. You are not.

If you are wise, use this as a teachable moment for your child that whatever bad incident occurred with the other cousin in the past, that cousin is still deserving of support. And for godsake apologize for not moving heaven and earth to get to the funeral.

This. How the child died is irrelevant. I'm sorry for your loss PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I lost a child 18 months ago so I’m far from objective. But the whole discussion of fault and bad parenting here is horrifying and heartbreaking and really beyond cruel.

Your sister has suffered a devastating loss. Please be a human being and put aside (1) whatever toxic comment was made by the young cousin to your own child and (2) your very petty and foolish thoughts that she should have controlled her child and prevented her child’s death. Your thoughts protect you and make YOU feel better, as if you are inoculated against death. You are not.

If you are wise, use this as a teachable moment for your child that whatever bad incident occurred with the other cousin in the past, that cousin is still deserving of support. And for godsake apologize for not moving heaven and earth to get to the funeral.

OP here. I am so sorry for your loss. I know you are absolutely right, which is why I'm looking for strategies to get a grip on my emotions before I show up there in person.

[Anonymous]

Don’t bother going. It’s obvious you despise your sister and her family. She doesn’t need you in her life.

[Anonymous]

I just reread the part about how the family is all basically talking about how this was the sister's fault behind her back. OP, is there a way you can shut that down? "That's neither here nor there. Let's focus on supporting my sister".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just reread the part about how the family is all basically talking about how this was the sister's fault behind her back. OP, is there a way you can shut that down? "That's neither here nor there. Let's focus on supporting my sister".

Solid advice and I'll put it into practice. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t bother going. It’s obvious you despise your sister and her family. She doesn’t need you in her life.

Gotta go. Strong relationship with elderly parents. But true that my sister doesn't need me in her life -- point taken there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I lost a child 18 months ago so I’m far from objective. But the whole discussion of fault and bad parenting here is horrifying and heartbreaking and really beyond cruel.

Your sister has suffered a devastating loss. Please be a human being and put aside (1) whatever toxic comment was made by the young cousin to your own child and (2) your very petty and foolish thoughts that she should have controlled her child and prevented her child’s death. Your thoughts protect you and make YOU feel better, as if you are inoculated against death. You are not.

If you are wise, use this as a teachable moment for your child that whatever bad incident occurred with the other cousin in the past, that cousin is still deserving of support. And for godsake apologize for not moving heaven and earth to get to the funeral.

This.

Also how old is the child who made the racist comment? It's very important because sometimes kids parrot what they heard at school and literally don't understand what they are really saying. Example- my DD came home one day and confidently stated girls can't be doctors. The irony - I'm a doctor, as are her female pediatrician and dentist. I didn't jump all over her about the feminist movement, I understood that clearly she got wrong information from somewhere and aimed to correct the problem. Turns out she heard it from a boy whose mom is a cardiologist and grandmother is a neurologist - crazy, but sometimes kids are too young and immature to understand what's in front of them. Understanding of child development can go a long way. Now if he's a teenager - he should know better - big difference.

[Anonymous]

What does her dad suggest you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This.

Also how old is the child who made the racist comment? It's very important because sometimes kids parrot what they heard at school and literally don't understand what they are really saying. Example- my DD came home one day and confidently stated girls can't be doctors. The irony - I'm a doctor, as are her female pediatrician and dentist. I didn't jump all over her about the feminist movement, I understood that clearly she got wrong information from somewhere and aimed to correct the problem. Turns out she heard it from a boy whose mom is a cardiologist and grandmother is a neurologist - crazy, but sometimes kids are too young and immature to understand what's in front of them. Understanding of child development can go a long way. Now if he's a teenager - he should know better - big difference.

OP here. Racist slur kid is a teenager. Apparently thought he was being funny, but... intent vs. impact.