Help me love my ill spouse

[Anonymous]

My spouse is ill. He isn’t going to die… but he is going through health stuff. He has for a while and will continue for a while. He has changed. I am aware that it is due to his illness. He is depressed. He lacks drive. He lacks motivation. He sits all the time. He talks about his health 24/7. We don’t go out and date anymore. We don’t have sex except maybe once a month. It has been two months this far. I feel bad for saying this but I am not finding him attractive like I used to. Physically and mentally. I don’t know what to do or say. I know he can not change this but I also can’t change my feelings either. Being around him is mentally draining. I am finding excuses to run errands so I don’t feel like I am getting sucked down with him. Please someone help me even if it is to say suck it up, you are being a B. I don’t seek companion or sex with others in case that gets asked. I just want my husband back. I want communication. I want affection. I want fun times.

[Anonymous]

Tell him that while you know he doesn’t feel well and is worried about his health, you think it’d be good for him to take daily breaks from talking about it. So he can have ten minutes in the morning and evening to talk, but otherwise has to talk about other things. Tell him there need to be times when he asks you about your day, when you two go out and have fun. Tell him to take an afternoon nap to rally for an evening out.

[Anonymous]

Can you clarify a bit more about his condition? Are there support groups for caregivers in your situation? To be fair, two months is not an especially long time to be dealing with an illness. Do you have friends you can spend some time with?

[Anonymous]

Is there anything you can do to help him? I'm not talking about helping him with practical things like driving him to appointments and monitoring meds. I wonder if you can nurture him in a way which might evoke tender feelings? Can you shift your expectations of him for this time of illness? Presumably he will make a full recovery and won't feel like being a downer anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you clarify a bit more about his condition? Are there support groups for caregivers in your situation? To be fair, two months is not an especially long time to be dealing with an illness. Do you have friends you can spend some time with?

OP here. 2 months without sex. He has been dealing with this illness for around 5 years. His condition is still getting figured out. I do have friends I can spend time with but we have kids and I have to deal with them. He snaps, he is cranky and always moody so I leave them to only run errands for my sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that while you know he doesn’t feel well and is worried about his health, you think it’d be good for him to take daily breaks from talking about it. So he can have ten minutes in the morning and evening to talk, but otherwise has to talk about other things. Tell him there need to be times when he asks you about your day, when you two go out and have fun. Tell him to take an afternoon nap to rally for an evening out.

OP here. Honestly, I tried this. I told him that it is a lot right now and I would love to talk bout other things. I asked him if it was ok to limit our conversations around his health and he said no. He said it’s important to him, he is trying to share it with me, I am not supportive, etc. we got into a huge argument but I just said ok, we will talk about it as much as you need to but can you atleast ask me how my day is going. That doesn’t happen…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there anything you can do to help him? I'm not talking about helping him with practical things like driving him to appointments and monitoring meds. I wonder if you can nurture him in a way which might evoke tender feelings? Can you shift your expectations of him for this time of illness? Presumably he will make a full recovery and won't feel like being a downer anymore.

OP here. He won’t make a full recovery. He won’t be 100 percent but not a death sentence either. I try to nurture him. I try to cuddle when he is laying down. My expectations are already limited. I want to come home and he ask how my day was or I wake up and he asks how I slept.

[Anonymous]

Is there a chance of finding him better medical care, physical and mental? Without knowing the condition hard to tell his much of this is mental (which is understandable for someone with chronic illness but you want to try to address) versus physical (5 years seems a long time with out getting better or worse)

[Anonymous]

I understand. I really deeply understand. It's so hard.

[Anonymous]

Agree that someone needs to address his mental health. Laying around all of the time and perseverating (what it sounds like) are not going to make anything better. Have any of his providers recommended exercise or seeing a psychiatrist?

[Anonymous]

My point is that someone besides you needs to be talking to him about this. A medical provider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My point is that someone besides you needs to be talking to him about this. A medical provider.

+1. I am so sorry OP. Will he see a therapist ti help worth the emotional side of this?

[Anonymous]

I'm that spouse right now. Between fertility treatments not working correctly (ovulating on protocol) and now carrying a pregnancy with an extremely high risk of losing it we're not allowed to have sex for 20+ weeks. Plus I'm bruised, bloated, and all kinds of awful side effects which means I'm also not feeling myself.

I'm really glad that my husband isn't preparing a conversation like you are. I have zero control over this and it's temporary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there anything you can do to help him? I'm not talking about helping him with practical things like driving him to appointments and monitoring meds. I wonder if you can nurture him in a way which might evoke tender feelings? Can you shift your expectations of him for this time of illness? Presumably he will make a full recovery and won't feel like being a downer anymore.

OP here. He won’t make a full recovery. He won’t be 100 percent but not a death sentence either. I try to nurture him. I try to cuddle when he is laying down. My expectations are already limited. I want to come home and he ask how my day was or I wake up and he asks how I slept.

Okay here is another perspective - many women don’t get the husband who asks about their day or how they slept even if husband is perfectly healthy. Men are (in general, not all men) less about talking about stuff like that and less considerate of their partners etc.

Having a chronic debilitating condition that cannot be cured and limits one’s life in substantial ways is incredibly depressing and most people who deal with that kind of thing tend to become a little obsessive about their condition. As a professional caregiver I’ve seen that in men and women equally over my years of taking care of people in such circumstances. Some rise above and maintain very positive mental health but that is not the norm.

After years of working with disabled people I’ve come to a point in my life where I realize that truly all the stuff in the world means nothing in the absence of health and I fully understand why so many people struggling with illness also struggle with mental health.

[Anonymous]

Maybe some therapy for you to have a place you can talk about what you’re going through and build coping skills.

Hang in there OP