don't want my mother to move in

[Anonymous]

My mother is a narcissist. She's loving overall, and I love her as well, but everything is centered around her at all times. She cannot handle even the slightest criticism and she has frequent mini outbursts at even the slightest perceived slight.
I'm Asian and I'm expected to take my mom in to live with me, as my father passed away recently after a long illness. My husband and teen children do not want her to move in either because of her difficult (although mostly loving) personality. I know her moving in with me will be horrible for every combination of relationships surrounding us. But I also know that it is what she wants.

I'm struggling with the guilt of not asking her to live with me (I feel SO bad, like the worst daughter, because I do want what is best for her and for her to be happy), and also figuring out where she can live that is acceptable to her. I know she cannot live with me. What have other people done?

The other kicker is that I was recently diagnosed with cancer, so there's that. She feels she wants to move in to provide support. I feel her presence might send me to my grave even sooner.

[Anonymous]

Would she actually be helpful re: cancer stuff or no? If she would be helpful but living with her would be too much, maybe condo near you?

[Anonymous]

Find a nice apartment nearby for her to live in the neighborhood but not in your house.

[Anonymous]

Does she have to move?

[Anonymous]

If you don’t want her in the house, play the cancer card to your advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a nice apartment nearby for her to live in the neighborhood but not in your house.

+1. Get a 2 bedroom so she can have live-in help when the time comes where she cannot live independently.

[Anonymous]

Find her a retirement community with lots of clubs and amenities that she will love the attention of

[Anonymous]

How about a senior community nearby? Bonus if there are other Asian moms there.

[Anonymous]

A childhood Chinese friend's mother moved in with her oldest son - the traditional expectation.
The DIL, grandchild and son pretty much ignored her. Actually, the DIL (also Asian) and grandchild couldn't really stand the mom. It wasn't until the mom had an accident where she was still pretty much ignored that it was decided she should move into her own place nearby. That actually helped family relations a lot more. When they get together, it's because they WANT to not because they are forced to.

[Anonymous]

If you have a big house she can easily have her own area. It’s when people have small houses that make it difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a big house she can easily have her own area. It’s when people have small houses that make it difficult.

Do you always miss the forest for the trees?

[Anonymous]

Don’t give in. It will make your family resent you and her.

If she needs to move, help her move into a retirement community nearby.

[Anonymous]

Does she need assistance yet? How far can you kick the can?

[Anonymous]

OP, your mom hasn't asked to move in with you, has she? From your message, you're planning to do what you're expected. You can simply do nothing. When time comes, you can arrange your mom to live close by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want her in the house, play the cancer card to your advantage.

This. You have every right. You need to prioritize your health. Your family needs you healthy.